No liars are more common than those
Who support their thoughts with “a study shows.”
You’ll likely find, with some frustration,
These studies lack any citation.
For every “yes” a study may show
A different study somehow finds “no.”
Those who cry about the news
Do their fair share of pick-and-choose.
Filed under Poems
29.34 percent of deaths
Were caused by heart disease.
23.04 were infections and
Parasitic causes (like fleas).
Cancer’s 12.49, stroke’s 9.66.
The next 20or so’s respiratory.
Then we get into small CoD’s
And a more interesting story:
War caused just .3 percent
Of death in recent times,
About the same as syphilis
And less than a third that of violent crimes.
More people died of tetanus
Than a decade of endless war.
You’ll more likely die of suicide
Than fighting on a distant shore.
And too low to show up,
Beneath .06 percent
I’m wondering where all the deaths
From firearm ownership went.
Filed under Poems
Blood is thicker than water.
Water is thicker than air.
Air isn’t thicker than anything
Which doesn’t seem very fair.
So chemists invented some elements
That made air feel less thin,
Thus air is thicker than helium.
So did modern science begin.
Filed under Poems
As a kid
I never dreamed
I’d win a Nobel Prize.
Never did I
Imagine it.
Never did I surmise
That I would be
A hero for
Bringing new ideas to light.
I didn’t think
I’d make it
And so far I’ve been right.
Filed under Poems
I think that caffeine
Is good for your spleen,
And I have evidence to back it up:
How often have you seen
Someone hurt a healthy spleen
While savoring something in a Starbucks cup?
Filed under Poems
A slump is a chump
Whose throat has a lump,
As does its cerebral cortex.
It will make you it’s chow.
I’m stuck in one now.
(Either that or a temporal vortex).
Filed under Poems
(A Parody of “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses)
Welcome to the Tundra.
We’ve got fun and games.
We’ve all got PhD’s, Honey
And we’re all named Frank or James.
One hour on Skype’s all the social
Intercourse we need.
If you’ve got a scientific grant,
We’ve got your deep freeze.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra.
Watch it bring you to your knees.
I want to watch you renew our funding please.
Welcome to the tundra.
We take it day by day.
If you want it, you’ll wear lots of fur,
And get industry-competitive pay.
And if you’re a very sexy girl
Let likes to talk and chat
You better get your cell phone out
‘Cause us guys don’t dig all that.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra
Feel my, my, my polar bear.
Ooh, you’d better grow your hair.
Welcome to the tundra
Where we’ve got two-hour days.
You learn to live like an animal
In our permafrost-sampling ways.
If your hungry, here’s an MRE.
You’ll get used to them eventually.
You can have anything you want
Unless it’s fresh, flavorful, or hot.
And if you’re high, you’re actually
At the same elevation as everyone else.
You know where you are;
You’re in the tundra baby.
Your skin’ll get dry in the tundra.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra
Studying stratification.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra
Writing your dissertation.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra
Extrapolating from incomplete information.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra.
It’ll bring you to your
Required credits of applied study. Ha!
