I think that absolute proof
That a time machine exists
Is the fact that someone went back in time
And found a T-Rex
And said “Aww yeah… T-Rex….”
And then got eaten
And nobody has time traveled since.
Tag Archives: Science
Middle School Science Be Like… (Also, I Have No Idea What Color Jupiter Is, But Neither Do You, So Ha!)
Mercury is number one,
Venus is where women are from,
Mars is a song with lots of snare drum,
Jupiter is the color of plum,
Saturn has a bunch of rings,
Uranus is full of gas and things,
Neptune’s famed for icy springs,
And Pluto’s demotion to this day stings.
But you probably noticed the dearth
Of a line about the Earth
Because it is devoid of mirth
And is the only planet with Colin Firth.
Filed under Poems
Research Projects
Forsythia is a flower
Of the family oleaceae.
They’re pretty and they’re yellow
And they make me saeae
“Ooh, look at that forsythia!
“They’re of the order lamiales!”
Then I ask my mother
If she’ll cook me tamales.
Filed under Poems
Even The Tyrants Realize This Is Dumb
This Saturday the mask mandate
Expires in my state,
So people must be healthy
Like the records indicate…
And yet today was Wednesday
And I will surely die, since
I took my mask off early
And I happen to trust science.
Filed under Poems
By Reading This Limerick You May Or May Not Open A Parallel Universe
There once was a cat of Schrodinger
Who wanted to give science the finger.
He said “I will stay
“And also walk away.”
Thus he simultaneously did and did not linger.
Filed under Poems
Trust The Science
A while ago, a farmer
Would be thought a cause of harm
If he didn’t use asbestos
To fireproof his farm.
A while ago a woman
Who was pregnant and upset
Was told her pain would go away
With a tasty cigarette.
A while ago a baby
Was calm as calm could be,
Unbothered by those nasty flies
Thanks to some DDT.
They told them “Trust the science”
And “You’re selfish to abstain.”
So here we watch as history
Repeats itself again.
Filed under Poems
Please Examine This Excel Graph And Identify The Precise Moment I Did Not Get Laid
I met a beauty in the lab
And we talked of time and space
And before the time had finished
We were walking to my place.
Things were getting steamy
And as she turned off the light
I said “This is like water
“Exceeding 212 degrees Fahrenheit!”
Filed under Poems
They’re Like Puppies, But With Testosterone
What if men who’re two feet tall
Are the physical ideal,
The epitome of manliness
With endless lust and zeal?
All the women saying
They prefer a taller guy
Have never seen a two-foot man…
True candy for the eye!
And although such small men are rare,
Precious and petite,
A man who’s 2-foot-6 or so
Is also really neat.
In fact, any guy beneath three feet
Is a slice of masculine heaven
Unless, of course, the manlet stands
Exactly 1’11”
Filed under Poems
Preservation of Mass
You were the light of their life,
A celestial body just for them,
But there were a billion stars
Brighter than you.
Your heart was a mountain,
Climbing to the sky,
But roads need gravel
And miners need jobs.
You were the wind and the water,
The rabbit and the fox,
The fish and the hook
And you fed them for a day.
Stars burn out,
Roads are passed by,
Winds stop blowing,
Foxes stop chasing,
And when its dark and still
And you forget what you were,
How you burned and grew
And bit and blew,
You’ll become a part of the world
You thought you were above;
A spark, a stone, a cell, a drop,
What you always were
And always did:
Matter.
Filed under Poems
The REAL Cause of Global Warming (and How to Fix It)
Before the internet was made
Antarctica was nice:
Just peaceful people chilling
On an endless sheet of ice.
But after wifi came along
Antarctica, once fine,
Fell immediately into
Inescapable decline
Because one lonely penguin
(Or perhaps a polar bear)
Signed on to ye olde internet
Just to see what’s there.
That was when the searcher
Received the first and fatal clue:
“Are you feeling lonely?
“Check out hot singles near you.”
Now I am not a penguin
(Nor am I a polar bear)
But whatever sorry animal saw
The advertisement there
Went looking for hot singles
Due to loneliness they felt,
Not thinking that the hotness
Just might cause the ice to melt.
Now we find Antarctica
Is little more than ocean
Because of one’s animal needs
(At least that is my notion).
So if we want the glaciers back
And want to stop tides rising
My must delete the internet
(At least that’s my surmising).
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 