Tag Archives: Alcohol

My Friday Night

I took me out to a ball game,

Alas, to one with a crowd.

There they sold peanuts and alcohol

‘Cause Cracker Jack’s racist and traditional.

There I learned baseball tactics

And how to play the game right

From a screaming drunk woman

Who looked like a dark alley at night.

“Hit the ball!” Was her opener.

“Throw a strike” later came.

Then was “Make people stop not getting out

“And you’ll win the whole (censored) game!”

It turns out this lady’s cheerleading

Did lead the home team to win

So if you’re still an Orioles fan

Bud Light’s a good place to begin.

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You Pull Me Down (The Alcohol Song)

When my body is strong

And my conscience is clean,

When troubles flee

And there’s no pain to be seen

Then I sip you

And fade into the white noise

Until the darkness comes

And has its way with me.

You pull me down

So I can walk on water.

You pull me down

To kiss a killer bee.

I am loud

And damp and have a bee sting.

You pull me down

And show the real me.

Then I awake

And find my house is tattered,

My lampshade’s gone

And so’s my front door key

And on my arm

My blood says “Margueritte wuz here.”

I don’t know her

But I guess she knew me.

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Happy Green Booze Day!

Once a year we celebrate

Some unruly Irish saint

With our Friday evening fun,

Although it’s Tuesday, and only 1:00.

If you’re a kid not wearing green

It’s better that you not be seen,

For this day’s for the violent sort.

Pinching’s an encouraged sport!

And tomorrow, on goes the fun

As we avoid noise and the bright sun.

So read this poem tomorrow at noon,

And you’ll know why you fell asleep in the bathroom.

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I bought a pair of magic pants
That made me really good at dance.
I was a prodigy of being cool,
Like none before at this high school.

I danced with all the senior boys
And hopped and swung and made some noise.
Now afterwards, I have a hunch
My pants weren’t magic; That was the punch.

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The Ice Cream Bar

When they invented the ice cream bar
They missed an opportunity
To add an element of class
To the nightlife community,

For think about a bar you know:
Alcohol’s all she wrote.
Why not mix your drinks up
With a regular beer float?

And who wouldn’t enjoy
Three dozen flavors on tap?
The very thought of an ice cream bar
Just makes me want to clap!

And if your drinking because of pain
Something sweet can end the sobbin’.
Thanks for listening, venture capital guy,
But what’s a Baskin Robbin?


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Post-Alcohol Observations

This isn’t common, but it’s not just me
Who takes joy in sobriety,
For when the laughter is all done
I want to remember how I had fun,

And in life’s most joyous times
Like reading books and writing rhymes
A fluid ounce of honesty
Will always beat a pint in me.

For what is it we must obscure
To resort to boozing as our cure?
Fear of being seen as us?
Why should such things cause a fuss?

So give up fear and give up lies
(It’s easier than you might surmise)
And live a life, joyful, true.
Live a life with sober you.

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Regarding the Effects of Alcohol on Perception

Her face was almost holy,
But in truth was kind of crass
Like a baseball in a church
Hit through a window of stained glass.

Her body was like a lion,
Kind of noble, but too hairy,
And her name was like a melody
That sounded just like “Jerry.”

And as we flirted in the bed
Of her slate grey Chevy truck
Her laugh closely resembled
A mixed chihuahua and a duck.

And I drew a terrible conclusion
As sparks flew through the truck.
Jerry wasn’t a her at all,
And I’d run out of luck.

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