Normally on Halloween
I prefer to not be seen
Given that my costume for
The day is whatever’s atop my drawer.
Today, however, I wore the clothes
Of something scarier than all of those
Who think vampires or ghosts and such
Are terrifying. Not so much!
Yes indeed, they could not hide
The fact that they were terrified.
I was a terror they’d never seen:
A religious exemption to the covid vaccine.
Instead of holidays with mangers
Tonight we ignore all the dangers
Of costumed little shits
Led by cats with big tits
Who, through threats, steal candy from strangers.
For Halloween I dressed like Legolas
From the franchise about the ring,
But as I walked about the town
People kept asking me to sing.
At first I didn’t understand
This request, but I caught on later…
People figured I could sing
Since I’m an Elvish Impersonator.
Today I donned my costume
Of civilization’s promiscuity
And the intolerable agony
Such laxness ought to bring.
Yes, amidst the evening’s gloom
It looks a bit like nudity.
And officer, I’ll answer yes,
It is a nipple ring.
I feel obliged to be spooky
But I’m not feeling it.
I have un-made-up skin
And don’t feel like peeling it.
I’m uncostumed by choice,
Though I looked on Pinterest
Through costume ideas
That held no interest.
There are monsters and witches
And women in lingerie
With animal ears.
What a menagerie!
And I’m challenging passerby
With my sleepy stare
To guess who I am,
Even though I don’t care.
People set bonfires
And dance ’round my home,
And I’m sleeping and hoping
They don’t steal my gnome.
Maybe I’ll get wild
And be less of a lump
With a low budget movie
That will make me jump.
And then come the children
In a sweet-craving mob.
There are 600 Elsa’s
And one I think is The Blob.
There’s Spiderman, Ironman,
And a beast with six legs,
And some orange jumpsuited kids
And then its all over
And the kids go away.
The fast-food workers party
And I guess pagans pray.
I’ve done my part
To keep dentists employed.
Despite myself, this day
I somewhat enjoyed.
Today’s November first,
Which is National Candy Day.
You celebrate it by getting sick
And throwing your diet away.
You’ve tasted the rainbow plenty,
And if your pee isn’t purple yet
You can drive down to the grocer
For surplus, cheap as shet.
Today you do not feel guilt.
Just ignore the nausea,
Because capitalism depends on you
And post-costume nostalgia.
On this costumed Friday night
Prepare for that horrific sight
Of children walking down the street,
Threatening those who give no treat.
They’ve covered faces so you can’t see
Who are the ghouls you must ID,
And if they wear a “Frozen” dress
There are too many kids to guess.
So I placed upon my lawn
A maw to gape and a portal to yawn
To terrify all children who
Thought me a target of their coup.
I thought my safety was a sure thing.
Then the doorbell gave a ring.
‘Twas the Fantastic Four
Minus “the Thing.”
I thought to tell them “go away,”
But I knew TP would be my pay,
So I opened up my chocolate stash
And let the heroes loot my cache.
The sun had set, the clouds were gone
And the mob raged on and on.
Soon I’d no chocolate to give,
And I prayed that through the night I’d live.
Then eight soft footsteps reached my door
The doorbell rang, I knew for sure
My time had come, my fate was clear
As I opened the door for a herd of deer.
“Trick or Treat” the children shrieked,
As their loot bags bulged and noses leaked.
I handed out four boxes of floss,
And resigned myself to serenity’s loss.
What I didn’t know was just how fast
That heard of deer got the word passed
That the beige-house-guy on the grass knoll
Was some sort of a dentist… Mole.
And thus the mob departed fast,
And I had my peace at last.
I fall asleep and dreams appear
Of the toothbrushes I’ll give next year.