Tag Archives: Halloween

It Used To Be An Innocent Day Of Wiccan Ritual… Before The Dark Times

Instead of holidays with mangers

Tonight we ignore all the dangers

Of costumed little shits

Led by cats with big tits

Who, through threats, steal candy from strangers.

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The Elf In Boots Of Azure Suede

For Halloween I dressed like Legolas

From the franchise about the ring,

But as I walked about the town

People kept asking me to sing.

At first I didn’t understand

This request, but I caught on later…

People figured I could sing

Since I’m an Elvish Impersonator.

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Prelude To A November Incarceration

Today I donned my costume

Of civilization’s promiscuity

And the intolerable agony

Such laxness ought to bring.

Yes, amidst the evening’s gloom

It looks a bit like nudity.

And officer, I’ll answer yes,

It is a nipple ring.

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My Costume Is Apathy

I feel obliged to be spooky

But I’m not feeling it.

I have un-made-up skin

And don’t feel like peeling it.

I’m uncostumed by choice,

Though I looked on Pinterest

Through costume ideas

That held no interest.

There are monsters and witches

And women in lingerie

With animal ears.

What a menagerie! 

And I’m challenging passerby

With my sleepy stare

To guess who I am,

Even though I don’t care.

People set bonfires

And dance ’round my home,

And I’m sleeping and hoping

They don’t steal my gnome.

Maybe I’ll get wild

And be less of a lump

With a low budget movie

That will make me jump.

And then come the children

In a sweet-craving mob.

There are 600 Elsa’s

And one I think is The Blob.

There’s Spiderman, Ironman,

And a beast with six legs,

And some orange jumpsuited kids

Delivering eggs.

And then its all over

And the kids go away.

The fast-food workers party

And I guess pagans pray.

I’ve  done my part

To keep dentists employed.

Despite myself, this day

I somewhat enjoyed.

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Aftermath

Today’s November first,
Which is National Candy Day.
You celebrate it by getting sick
And throwing your diet away.

You’ve tasted the rainbow plenty,
And if your pee isn’t purple yet
You can drive down to the grocer
For surplus, cheap as shet.

Today you do not feel guilt.
Just ignore the nausea,
Because capitalism depends on you
And post-costume nostalgia.

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Fun-Size Anarchy

On this costumed Friday night
Prepare for that horrific sight
Of children walking down the street,
Threatening those who give no treat.

They’ve covered faces so you can’t see
Who are the ghouls you must ID,
And if they wear a “Frozen” dress
There are too many kids to guess.

So I placed upon my lawn
A maw to gape and a portal to yawn
To terrify all children who
Thought me a target of their coup.

I thought my safety was a sure thing.
Then the doorbell gave a ring.
‘Twas the Fantastic Four
Minus “the Thing.”

I thought to tell them “go away,”
But I knew TP would be my pay,
So I opened up my chocolate stash
And let the heroes loot my cache.

The sun had set, the clouds were gone
And the mob raged on and on.
Soon I’d no chocolate to give,
And I prayed that through the night I’d live.

Then eight soft footsteps reached my door
The doorbell rang, I knew for sure
My time had come, my fate was clear
As I opened the door for a herd of deer.

“Trick or Treat” the children shrieked,
As their loot bags bulged and noses leaked.
I handed out four boxes of floss,
And resigned myself to serenity’s loss.

What I didn’t know was just how fast
That heard of deer got the word passed
That the beige-house-guy on the grass knoll
Was some sort of a dentist… Mole.

And thus the mob departed fast,
And I had my peace at last.
I fall asleep and dreams appear
Of the toothbrushes I’ll give next year.

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