When people say “What would Jesus do?”
I take that to mean
That I should go underground
And for three days not be seen.
Tag Archives: Jesus
When You Say “Jesus, Take The Wheel”, Consider The Consequences
So I invented a nifty new thing
That’s a circular mobility aid.
I call it a “wheel”, and if we’re for real
It’s the best thing anyone’s ever made.
As I was showing it off today
This dude with a halo came by
And just picked it up, put his blood in a cup,
And vamoosed. Now I’m stuck asking why.
Filed under Poems
Pronunciation Matters
The church tells us
That prejudice is bad.
On the other hand, pre-Judas
Were the best years Jesus had.
The Gospel According To Some Doofus Poet
I like the idea that there was a caveman
Who coincidentally looked like Jesus
And when Jesus’s body was hidden away
The caveman came out just to please us
And seeing society for the first time
He didn’t know what else to do
So he used his caveman magic
And up into heaven he flew.
Meanwhile, actual Jesus
Woke up after three days or so
But everyone said he’d already ascended
And, to heaven, he’d no need to go
So he went back to being a carpenter
And made many beautiful shims
And sent every customer home with a smile
And said many, “Nope, I just look like him”s.
Filed under Poems
Baptist Easter
Two-Thousand Twenty-Five years ago
Judas told Jesus “YOLO”
But Jesus, lacking any fear
Said “Judas, my brudda, holdeth my beer.”
Filed under Poems
If At First You Don’t Succeed…
And Jesus told the apostles
“One of you will betray me”.
And the apostles looked at each other
And said in unison, “We disagree.”
And so Jesus kept on living
And everyone kept sinning freely
And God queued up yet another flood
While mumbling to himself, “Really…?”
Filed under Poems
The Dead Sea Scrolls Revealed!
In the Bible, there’s a gap
Of 18 years or thereabout
Between when Jesus was a boy
And when he’d grown all out.
I think he used those missing years
As an omnipotent adolescent
To turn the oceans into wine
Both still and effervescent.
Filed under Poems
Dear Christians… There Is Only One
Let me introduce myself:
My name is Danny Michael.
I’m a circus performer
And I ride the unicycle.
I’m glad you guys are happy
But imagine how you’d feel
If you were me, and you kept telling
Jesus to take the wheel…
Filed under Poems
Son Of God, Father Of Refreshing Beverages?
They say Jesus turned water into wine
But there’s an alternative guess I see:
I think Jesus was the inventor of Kool-Aid
But hadn’t perfected the recipe.
Filed under Poems
The Sons Of Reuben Were All Prophets?
I think that Jesus didn’t have children
Because if he had children then
He’d make them sandwiches, but they’d complain
“Daaad… pastrami and rise again?”
—————————————————————
On the other hand, Moses was famous
For his sandwiches. That’s what I hear.
In fact, back in Egypt I heard he was voted
The Nigev desert’s manna the year.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 