I questioned the need
For vagina monologues.
Why we needed them was a mystery.
Then I realized
That the penis dialogues
Was basically just all of history.
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Tag Archives: History
The Analogy Is Actually Kinda Perfect
America is like Halo:
It started out with violence
And an independent spirit
Fighting an immortal empire
Who knew well that we’d fear it.
Then the beloved sequel came
And we gave up the slaves we stole,
Fought a battle on both sides
To forge our true united soul.
Then came history’s “Halo 3”
Which was forgettable all in all,
Clearly not its glorious peak
But it hadn’t hit the wall.
When the Vietnam years came
Thus started Halo 4
Where we spat on our own soldiers
Drafted into pointless war.
Now here we are in Halo 5
Where profit is the king,
Equality is an afterthought
And everything’s covered in bling.
We who love the franchise past,
The Halo 1’s and 2’s
Who love America in spirit
Not America in the news
Look hopefully at the future
While feeling kind of vexed
Wondering what the powers that be
Will inevitably screw up next.
Filed under Poems
As It Turns Out History Is Not My Strongest Subject – Thus The Extra “D”
You’ve heard of the musical “Hamilton”
But have you heard the talk
Of my upcoming X-rated sequel
All about John Handcock?
Filed under Poems
A 93% Accurate History Of My Mom
When my Mom was younger
She worked on the railroad
All the live-long days.
She was filled with a hunger
To escape from the railroad
And find a guy with whom to pass the days.
She hung up her axe and hammer
For an erlenmeyer flask
And took a job for Carly Fiorina.
My Dad she did enamor
And had the guts to ask
“Do you want to see a show at the arena?”
They got married in the Summer
And moved out to Colorado
And brought my future sister to the world.
Three very-good years later
A doctor in Colorado
Said “you’ve got another kid in you. A girl.”
And so you dreamt of Molly
But months later Dave arrived
And his presence made your life complete.
When I think about it, golly!
Now your life story’s archived
And only for sake of rhymes did I once (or twice…) cheat.
Filed under Poems
Men’s Studies
I want to understand people.
I want them to make sense,
But I don’t like psychology.
I took women’s studies classes.
I took men’s studies too,
But those ones they called “history.”
Filed under Poems
Alternate History
It’s the little things in history
That changed the world we know,
Like how we’d all be drinking taxed tea
If it weren’t for that Washington schmo.
What if Egypt hadn’t come along
And stolen Moses’s guys,
Or if medieval barbarians
Had toilet paper (just two plies).
Would the dark ages have ended
If the Visigoths used their head
And gained a tactical advantage
By bein invisi-goths instead?
And what if all this happened
And then Superman got drunk
And flew around the world so fast
That suddenly history stunk?
How would history be different
If this poet were never born?
You’d be stuck with Robert Frost,
Or else be watching porn.
Thus endeth my ideas,
Written down via Roman letters.
But think of how, if things had changed,
This poem would be betters.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
What’s for Breakfast?
Today is the Ides of March,
When Caeser was made invalid.
We celebrate with leftover pie,
Orange Julius, and Caeser salad.
Filed under Poems
