Tag Archives: History

Further Proof That Dumb Names Are The Root Of All Evil

I wonder if Julius Caesar

Had been given a manlier name

He wouldn’t have needed to conquer so much

And the world would never be the same.

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Art Is Subjective

People always say

“I miss the good old days”

But I think that’s misguided

In many different ways,

Chief of which is that

Although they made so many gargoyles

And so many fountains

The two were very seldom combined,

Which means we’ve had thousands of years

That could have had gargling gargoyles

And yet we got garden gnomes.

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Penne For Your Thoughts?

What if, when the world was new

And nothing breathed and nothing grew

A race of beasts made of spaghetti

Were getting set and getting ready

To build cities, slim and tall,

In which they’d gather, one and all,

Until the dinosaurs emerged

And the noodle cities were submerged

Beneath the oceans, wide and blue,

Until they used their magic to

Bring down a stone wide as ten miles

To do away with rude reptiles.

Now, again the Earth was theirs.

Out of the ocean they built stairs

Only to find, in the dinosaurs’ place

A young and vibrant human race.

This time instead of genocide

By meteor ten miles wide

They made the human race instead

Love noodles much like they loved bread.

So when the noodle race was old

And slightly stale and very cold

They smiled, knowing all was not lost. The

Human race would make more pasta!

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Getting Eden (The Serpent Explains)

Every lovely girl I meet

Reminds me of what I dreamt:

That I would bring them home with me

As someone neat and kempt

But by the time the night, once young,

Is now a morning younger

I shall inspire in the girl

An animalistic hunger,

And in the dark of night we’ll join,

Two bodies, bare and lithe;

Two sides, one body, like a coin,

And ‘til the dawn we’ll writhe.

So it happened with a girl

When she and I were new.

She wore not more than sun-kissed skin

And didn’t have a clue.

I brought her to the place I call

My home, but I soon saw she

Was more inclined to eat my fruit

Than make a man of me.

As she bit the apple, I

Was filled with a vengeful thought;

If I could not catch that girl’s eye

So too other men would not.

I tensed my body, spouting curses

And made all men to come

Be mocked for wanting to be nurses

And also bald and dumb.

God saw what I did to man

And said, “Ok, that’s fair.”

Then he made chilbirth hurt, and

Other bits about which I don’t care.

Basically the point I’m making

Is if you’re a dude who feels cursed

Your girl probably rejected Satan

And her punishment is still worse.

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All of History (Fade and Repeat)

Someone said “Let the good times roll”

And folks said “Yay” and “Wow.”

Then someone said “Disease exists”

And folks said “Quit rolling now.”

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Hence, The Dictionary

When you really think about it

All language came about

Because some caveman somewhere

Thought “Maybe I should shout

“A bunch of random nonsense,”

And someone from out of town

Thought “That would make a boring book;

“I’d better write it down!”

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Last Save: 7:59 Am -Pompeii, 79 AD…

This is the point in history

Where things aren’t going well,

But you aren’t very worried yet

Because you know a spell

That opens up a menu

Where you reload your latest save

And go back to start on easy mode

Instead of to your grave.

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Empires Fall… *Single Tear*

The Persians used to rule the world

Before they started making rugs.

The British used to rule the world

Before they gave the world free hugs.

So too the Mongols, Austria-Hungary,

Greeks, and Romans lost their graces,

But none fell more than when the Goths

Learned new ways to paint their faces…

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A Brief History of the Gold Rush

Back in the wee days of US of A

Some guys went a digging and one shouted “Hey!”

“I found me some gold!” “Oy, I found some too!”

Then guess what everyone wanted to do?

And so people came from all over the planet

To dig through the dirt and, with their eyes, scan it

For speckles and nuggets and loose bits of gold,

And some were successful, or so I’ve been told.

Now as the prospectors from far and near both

Were digging up gold, a woman did quoth:

“The men are all leaving to get rich or die,

“And thus we will join them because… you know why.”

And so California became quite the haven

For men who, for gold in the rivers, were slavin’.

Most folks were strike-outers, but some lucky strike-biggers

Wed the first Frisco lasses, the real gold-diggers.

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The Other Declaration

Tomorrow is independence day

In the United States of A,

When lots of old guys wrote a thing

That basically said “Go suck it, King.”

But it’s a day not just about vacation.

Think of the day before the declaration

When patriots said, on that long past 3rd of July

“Holy crap, my dudes, we gonna die!”

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