Tag Archives: History

But Both Are Equally Boring When Presented By The Intellectual Elite

I questioned the need

For vagina monologues.

Why we needed them was a mystery.

Then I realized

That the penis dialogues

Was basically just all of history.

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The Analogy Is Actually Kinda Perfect

America is like Halo:

It started out with violence

And an independent spirit

Fighting an immortal empire

Who knew well that we’d fear it.

Then the beloved sequel came

And we gave up the slaves we stole,

Fought a battle on both sides

To forge our true united soul.

Then came history’s “Halo 3”

Which was forgettable all in all,

Clearly not its glorious peak

But it hadn’t hit the wall.

When the Vietnam years came

Thus started Halo 4

Where we spat on our own soldiers

Drafted into pointless war.

Now here we are in Halo 5

Where profit is the king,

Equality is an afterthought

And everything’s covered in bling.

We who love the franchise past,

The Halo 1’s and 2’s

Who love America in spirit

Not America in the news

Look hopefully at the future

While feeling kind of vexed

Wondering what the powers that be

Will inevitably screw up next.

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As It Turns Out History Is Not My Strongest Subject – Thus The Extra “D”

You’ve heard of the musical “Hamilton”

But have you heard the talk

Of my upcoming X-rated sequel

All about John Handcock?

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A 93% Accurate History Of My Mom

When my Mom was younger

She worked on the railroad

All the live-long days.

She was filled with a hunger

To escape from the railroad

And find a guy with whom to pass the days.

She hung up her axe and hammer

For an erlenmeyer flask

And took a job for Carly Fiorina.

My Dad she did enamor

And had the guts to ask

“Do you want to see a show at the arena?”

They got married in the Summer

And moved out to Colorado

And brought my future sister to the world.

Three very-good years later

A doctor in Colorado

Said “you’ve got another kid in you. A girl.”

And so you dreamt of Molly

But months later Dave arrived

And his presence made your life complete.

When I think about it, golly!

Now your life story’s archived

And only for sake of rhymes did I once (or twice…) cheat.

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Men’s Studies

I want to understand people.

I want them to make sense,

But I don’t like psychology.

I took women’s studies classes.

I took men’s studies too,

But those ones they called “history.”

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Alternate History

It’s the little things in history

That changed the world we know,

Like how we’d all be drinking taxed tea

If it weren’t for that Washington schmo.

What if Egypt hadn’t come along

And stolen Moses’s guys,

Or if medieval barbarians

Had toilet paper (just two plies).

Would the dark ages have ended

If the Visigoths used their head

And gained a tactical advantage

By bein invisi-goths instead?

And what if all this happened

And then Superman got drunk

And flew around the world so fast

That suddenly history stunk?

How would history be different

If this poet were never born?

You’d be stuck with Robert Frost,

Or else be watching porn.

Thus endeth my ideas,

Written down via Roman letters.

But think of how, if things had changed,

This poem would be betters.

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What’s for Breakfast?

Today is the Ides of March,

When Caeser was made invalid.

We celebrate with leftover pie,

Orange Julius, and Caeser salad. 

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