The Persians used to rule the world
Before they started making rugs.
The British used to rule the world
Before they gave the world free hugs.
So too the Mongols, Austria-Hungary,
Greeks, and Romans lost their graces,
But none fell more than when the Goths
Learned new ways to paint their faces…
Filed under Poems
Back in the wee days of US of A
Some guys went a digging and one shouted “Hey!”
“I found me some gold!” “Oy, I found some too!”
Then guess what everyone wanted to do?
And so people came from all over the planet
To dig through the dirt and, with their eyes, scan it
For speckles and nuggets and loose bits of gold,
And some were successful, or so I’ve been told.
Now as the prospectors from far and near both
Were digging up gold, a woman did quoth:
“The men are all leaving to get rich or die,
“And thus we will join them because… you know why.”
And so California became quite the haven
For men who, for gold in the rivers, were slavin’.
Most folks were strike-outers, but some lucky strike-biggers
Wed the first Frisco lasses, the real gold-diggers.
Tomorrow is independence day
In the United States of A,
When lots of old guys wrote a thing
That basically said “Go suck it, King.”
But it’s a day not just about vacation.
Think of the day before the declaration
When patriots said, on that long past 3rd of July
“Holy crap, my dudes, we gonna die!”
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In 1920 some guy said
“A thought just poppethed into mine head.”
His peer responded “Tell me sir,
“What thought does cause thine brain to stir?”
Some guy then said, in a manner quite prickly,
“What if I had a box that heated food quickly?”
His peer replied “Your thought is bold,
“But how about heating the plate and leaving the food cold?”
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In the year 1918
Amidst a world we’ve never seen
The fighters of the first world war
Showed what God made our hearts for.
Among the trenches, wet and cold
A German soldier was so bold
As to sing, rather than fight,
A verse or two of “Silent Night.”
As dawn turned from gray to blue
One soldiers voice soon became two
And before the song was done
Two armies voices soon were one
And bayonets with white flags rose
And enemies came nose to nose
To swap greetings and cigarettes:
One Christmas morning, no regrets.
Whether trenches or safe spaces,
Between all people and all races
Lives a love that’s oft denied
That no longer should we hide.
If for a day or for a year
We sing of peace so foes can hear
Then whether brown or beige or black
We may just hear our foes sing back.
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Hercules is strong
But what about Hiscules?
Bunch of sexist greeks…
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If a child can decide to be
A gender they weren’t born,
Can know their sexual preferences
Then, honestly, I’m torn…
I think that future pedophiles
In elementary school
Might worry about fitting in
(And I don’t mean being cool).
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I once dated a Japanese girl.
When we broke up I tried to be nice.
She didn’t understand the first time
So I had to drop the bomb twice.
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I asked a guy in a wheelchair
“Who’s your favorite actor.”
The guy replied “Christopher Reeve.”
He asked me “Who’s yours?”
I said “Christopher Walken,”
And then the guy asked me to leave.
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One more joke for this morning,
And this one’s as good as it gets:
Who are Iraq’s athletic heroes?
That would be the ’01 New York Jets.
Filed under Poems
I questioned the need
For vagina monologues.
Why we needed them was a mystery.
Then I realized
That the penis dialogues
Was basically just all of history.
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America is like Halo:
It started out with violence
And an independent spirit
Fighting an immortal empire
Who knew well that we’d fear it.
Then the beloved sequel came
And we gave up the slaves we stole,
Fought a battle on both sides
To forge our true united soul.
Then came history’s “Halo 3”
Which was forgettable all in all,
Clearly not its glorious peak
But it hadn’t hit the wall.
When the Vietnam years came
Thus started Halo 4
Where we spat on our own soldiers
Drafted into pointless war.
Now here we are in Halo 5
Where profit is the king,
Equality is an afterthought
And everything’s covered in bling.
We who love the franchise past,
The Halo 1’s and 2’s
Who love America in spirit
Not America in the news
Look hopefully at the future
While feeling kind of vexed
Wondering what the powers that be
Will inevitably screw up next.
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You’ve heard of the musical “Hamilton”
But have you heard the talk
Of my upcoming X-rated sequel
All about John Handcock?
Filed under Poems
