Tag Archives: Kale

Boom! Soft In Seconds

She was a 10.

I was a male.

I thought it was love,

Then she said “I like kale.”

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Works On 5-Year-Olds, So…

Instead of sending crooks to jail

What if we made them eat kale?

I think they’d say that I’m a hero

For the idea that reduced all crime to zero.

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On A Scale Of One-To-Steak…

When I see people eating kale

I find it kind of odd

‘Cause kale is to vegetables

As celery is to God.

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Other Viable Weapons Include Chihuahuas, Telemarketers, And The Music Of Taylor Swift

Are you unhappy?

Perhaps you’re depressed?

You want to shoot up a school

Because you’re so stressed?

Don’t grab your assault gun

And make hunters sad.

Instead, grab some kale

And do something bad.

If a few more folk heroes

With defective prozac

Go out with a bang

Via kale attack

The liberals will ban it

And the world will shout “yay!”

To leave your legacy

That’s the very best way.

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Reason #4,231,277 I Love Texas

You can make a salad

Out of Jell-o or potatoes,

One with cheese and croutons

Or bacon, lettuce, and tomatoes.

And though you can make a salad

Out of nothing more than fruit, you

Chose to make a kale salad…

I have no choice but to shoot you.

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The Two Great Sources Of Human Suffering

The greatest mistakes man has committed

Are deferring their joy to be wealthy

And the not telling a lie when it was discovered

That eating kale was healthy.

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Lone Survivor

I was driven this afternoon

To Lazy Susan isle

Where I hoped my friends and I

Could make our masters smile.

Alas, on our arrival

Our happy plan went wrong.

Our masters ate poor Jell-o,

And our fair Hostess, Ding-Dong.

I heard the screams of ice cream,

And the dying shrieks of cake.

I heard the moans of lady fingers

(Though I think those were fake).

How I survived I do not now,

But I’m alive to sing this ballad

Of the Lazy Susan massacre.

Yours truly,

Kale Salad


Filed under Poems, Songs