Tag Archives: Sex

Dirty Old Sailor Describes A Fond Memory

You’re nervous when you look upon

Her soft, humid curves.

You want nothing more than to

Give all that she deserves

And even as your fingers shake

When you touch her humid walls

The warmth deeper within her

To all your instinct calls.

Trembling, you go inside

And hear her many sounds

As wave and wave again

Against her body pounds.

You know whatever happens

You must not be seen…

Some of you thought of your girlfriend,

But this poem’s about a submarine.

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At Least I Commit To Finishing Acrostics Though

I is for the intimacy we have yet to share

M is for the the many ways I show you I care

N is for how no one can compare

E is for “except that girl who has the pretty hair.”

V is for how very sorry I will claim to be

E is for that exceptional hair I never will unsee…

R is for I’m really sorry this time. Forgive me?

G is for the gift I’ll buy to say that I’m sorry

E is for how every day you give me another chance.

T is for the tightness you inspire in my pants

T is for your temperance, which totally rhymes with “dance”

I is for how I hope to rekindle our romance

N is for how nuts it is I ogle other girls

G is for “good thing I’m not into hair with sexy curls.”

L is for how light catches her hair as it unfurls…

A is for “Alright, alright! I’ll buy you some new pearls.”

I is for I really wish I were a better dude

D is for “Doggone it, if you weren’t such a prude…”

A is for apologizing for how I am lewd

G is for the golden curls falling upon the nude…

A is for “At least I didn’t finish the previous line.”

I is for the infinite ways you, my dear, are fine.

N is the never being bad again if you’ll remain as mine.

! is the punctuation after you vehemently decline.

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Boom! Soft In Seconds

She was a 10.

I was a male.

I thought it was love,

Then she said “I like kale.”

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It’ll Be Safe, I Promise!

The people aboard

The Titanic never heard

“Nah babe, just the tip.”

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Gary Gygax Is My Promise Ring

Some people use condoms.

Some folks use the pill.

Some people are celibate.

There are other methods still;

My favorite of the methods

To prevent a pregnancy

Is by telling all my dates

That I play D&D.

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Oooh Yeah… Daddy Sauron Is Goblin Me Up…

I some some little known facts

About some popular things,

Like how in the very first draft

Of Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”

Mount Doom was not a volcano

But instead a magnificent gorge

In which Sauron demanded

His orcs run a magical forge.

Luckily, one clever editor

Got to give his final say:

“I think the ‘quest to Orc-Chasm‘

“Could be said in a most awkward way.”

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Male Black Widow Problems

Today is Friday night.

I’m with my darling wife.

We’re gonna have some crazy sex

‘Cause I am done with life.

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Love and War

Whenever Italy gets attacked

Someone must fell Rome,

Someone conquers Cicily,

Burns a Venetian home…

Yes, in an Italian conquest

These sackings are the staples

But a satisfying extra

Is somebody licked their Naples.

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Getting Eden (The Serpent Explains)

Every lovely girl I meet

Reminds me of what I dreamt:

That I would bring them home with me

As someone neat and kempt

But by the time the night, once young,

Is now a morning younger

I shall inspire in the girl

An animalistic hunger,

And in the dark of night we’ll join,

Two bodies, bare and lithe;

Two sides, one body, like a coin,

And ‘til the dawn we’ll writhe.

So it happened with a girl

When she and I were new.

She wore not more than sun-kissed skin

And didn’t have a clue.

I brought her to the place I call

My home, but I soon saw she

Was more inclined to eat my fruit

Than make a man of me.

As she bit the apple, I

Was filled with a vengeful thought;

If I could not catch that girl’s eye

So too other men would not.

I tensed my body, spouting curses

And made all men to come

Be mocked for wanting to be nurses

And also bald and dumb.

God saw what I did to man

And said, “Ok, that’s fair.”

Then he made chilbirth hurt, and

Other bits about which I don’t care.

Basically the point I’m making

Is if you’re a dude who feels cursed

Your girl probably rejected Satan

And her punishment is still worse.

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Even If Big Eddie Says “I’ll Snuggle You After”

When a guy goes to prison

He calls up his wife

And says, “Though I’m in here

“For 15 to life

“I want you to hold off

“From having sex with other guys.”

His wife says “You too,”

Because she’s just that wise.

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