Tag Archives: Sex

The REAL Cause of Global Warming (and How to Fix It)

Before the internet was made

Antarctica was nice:

Just peaceful people chilling

On an endless sheet of ice.

But after wifi came along

Antarctica, once fine,

Fell immediately into

Inescapable decline

Because one lonely penguin

(Or perhaps a polar bear)

Signed on to ye olde internet

Just to see what’s there.

That was when the searcher

Received the first and fatal clue:

“Are you feeling lonely?

“Check out hot singles near you.”

Now I am not a penguin

(Nor am I a polar bear)

But whatever sorry animal saw

The advertisement there

Went looking for hot singles

Due to loneliness they felt,

Not thinking that the hotness

Just might cause the ice to melt.

Now we find Antarctica

Is little more than ocean

Because of one’s animal needs

(At least that is my notion).

So if we want the glaciers back

And want to stop tides rising

My must delete the internet

(At least that’s my surmising).

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Was It A Typo Though?

Turns out makin’ music doesn’t mean makin’ money.

That was no news to me, but was news to my honey.

When a man gets poor it’ll do something funny

To almost all the female ears!

When the cashflow slows in the time that you date ‘er

Like the tempo that jazz plays in the elevator

Then don’t be surprised, and do anticipate ‘er

Not boppin’ you for quite a few years!

Yeah, I do remember the times in the twenties

When a man could bop all night long,

But come year ’30 we ain’t playin’ too dirty

And a depression is comin’ on strong!

I’m no type of teacher, but you oughta be knowin’

Where this job playin’ jazzes is probably goin’…

Come late at night you’ll be the only one blowin’.

Sorry bro, but them is the fac’s.

Better practice your ‘prov and practice your scales, especially for playin’ the blues…

Between big simple cash and a big cymbal crash you know what a woman will choose…

The little metals guys who hold your keys in place will be the only thing that she screws…

That’s life when she’s withholding the sax!

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When You Trade Favors For Food Stamps

I tried to find a sugar momma

But nobody has money in da hood.

I settled for a sweet ‘n low cousin

And I’m her splenda baby. It’s all good.

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Hao Chow Dong?

Chinese chicks are selfish

When it comes to bedroom acts.

You may not, at first, believe me

So I come equipped with facts:

Their zodiac has animals

Like Rabbit, Dog, and Ox.

Missing (eaten) is the Pussycat.

Still present are the Cocks.

The Beaver’s been devoured

But not the Dragon or the Snake.

It seems most Fish and Birds get eaten,

But hey! That’s just my take…

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This Is Probably Sexist…

Science has concluded

That for most life on earth

The number of penises you have

Is inversely correlated with your odds of giving birth.

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Cautionary Tale

A visitor had phone sex

With a couple of hotel maids.

He thought he couldn’t get an STD

But now he has hearing aids.

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Let Life End As It Began

I want to die of an orgasm.

It’s a death that would leave me content

And the folks at my wake

Would say “for goodness’ sake

“That poet, he came and he went.”

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The College Nerd

Back when I lived in the dorms,

I was no fan of social norms.

It was there when I finally heard

My conscience say “you are a nerd.”

For in the dorm above my own

One night I heard a lustful moan,

Then another, then yet more

While I was beating my high score.

Although my skill is up to snuff

The type of games I play are tough

So I yelled “Be quiet when you *bleep* her!

“I’m trying to focus on Minesweeper.”

Now you may laugh and call me names

Since I scoff at sex while playing games

But I avoided future strife:

Minesweeper trains men for married life.

Virgin loser? Yep, that’s me!

Enjoy your one-night TNT.

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Reason #4,231,278 I Love Texas

I got a letter from a woman:

“I’m not pretty,” she wrote.

I wrote back “That’s okay.

“I once f***ed a goat.”*

Believe it or not

She never wrote back.

It seems my sage wisdom

Got her self-esteem back on track!

*Not a literal goat, you pervert! That’s just what we call my cousin.

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I Got Game?

My sex life is like a game of bridge,

And I don’t mean bland:

I don’t need a partner

‘Cause I have an awesome hand.

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