Tag Archives: Sex

Oooh Yeah… Daddy Sauron Is Goblin Me Up…

I some some little known facts

About some popular things,

Like how in the very first draft

Of Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”

Mount Doom was not a volcano

But instead a magnificent gorge

In which Sauron demanded

His orcs run a magical forge.

Luckily, one clever editor

Got to give his final say:

“I think the ‘quest to Orc-Chasm‘

“Could be said in a most awkward way.”

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Male Black Widow Problems

Today is Friday night.

I’m with my darling wife.

We’re gonna have some crazy sex

‘Cause I am done with life.

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Love and War

Whenever Italy gets attacked

Someone must fell Rome,

Someone conquers Cicily,

Burns a Venetian home…

Yes, in an Italian conquest

These sackings are the staples

But a satisfying extra

Is somebody licked their Naples.

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Getting Eden (The Serpent Explains)

Every lovely girl I meet

Reminds me of what I dreamt:

That I would bring them home with me

As someone neat and kempt

But by the time the night, once young,

Is now a morning younger

I shall inspire in the girl

An animalistic hunger,

And in the dark of night we’ll join,

Two bodies, bare and lithe;

Two sides, one body, like a coin,

And ‘til the dawn we’ll writhe.

So it happened with a girl

When she and I were new.

She wore not more than sun-kissed skin

And didn’t have a clue.

I brought her to the place I call

My home, but I soon saw she

Was more inclined to eat my fruit

Than make a man of me.

As she bit the apple, I

Was filled with a vengeful thought;

If I could not catch that girl’s eye

So too other men would not.

I tensed my body, spouting curses

And made all men to come

Be mocked for wanting to be nurses

And also bald and dumb.

God saw what I did to man

And said, “Ok, that’s fair.”

Then he made chilbirth hurt, and

Other bits about which I don’t care.

Basically the point I’m making

Is if you’re a dude who feels cursed

Your girl probably rejected Satan

And her punishment is still worse.

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Even If Big Eddie Says “I’ll Snuggle You After”

When a guy goes to prison

He calls up his wife

And says, “Though I’m in here

“For 15 to life

“I want you to hold off

“From having sex with other guys.”

His wife says “You too,”

Because she’s just that wise.

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The Birds and the Seas

If you are a whale

Your parents probably sing

About how to safely do

The reproduction thing.

If you are a shark instead

The learning that’s essential

Is that some biting might be fun

As long as you are gentle.

If you’re in a school of fish

You’ll probably be fine

Unless you can puke out your guts

And your skin is covered in spines

Because if you’re the sea cucumber

It is my belief

You’re in a bit of danger

When teenage whales need relief…

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In Local News: Dick Trenchcoat Still At Large

I once was in love with a dame

Who, for privacy’s sake, I won’t name.

When I undressed, she shouted,

Which I think is undoubted

Why I had to leave the park. Lame!

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Which Came First?

The chicken pulled a cigarette

From somewhere in the hay

Then sat beside a little egg

Which it did just lay.

Then the chicken leaned in close

With grace much like a dancer

And whispered, sultry, to the egg

“I guess we have an answer!”

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Please Examine This Excel Graph And Identify The Precise Moment I Did Not Get Laid

I met a beauty in the lab

And we talked of time and space

And before the time had finished

We were walking to my place.

Things were getting steamy

And as she turned off the light

I said “This is like water

“Exceeding 212 degrees Fahrenheit!”

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What Faith Means To Me

Today I thought about the world

And realized I may be

The star of the highest-budget porno

Filmed in the 27th century

In which nerdy, broke, virgin poets

Are the ultimate symbol of lust.

So far I’ve only seen opening credits

But just saying… In God I trust!

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