Tag Archives: Sex

All The Low Notes, All At Once, Fortissimo… An Unexpected Climax

Men, you probably know by now

About romantic passion,

And how the ambiance before

Takes quite a bit to fashion.

One must say the secret words

To snare a woman’s heart

And have stamina and strength enough

To delay that tempting fart.

Tonight I learned another step

That our ancestors did

That promoted procreation:

They closed the piano keyboard lid.

Alas, I lacked their wisdom

And an Earth that might have shaken

Is now not more than legend

Thanks to the route the cat has taken.

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Bowling

Bowling balls are very hard

And also very round.

When they strike the bowling line

They make a smacky sound,

And when the balls crash into all

The pretty pear-shaped pins

The guy who threw the ball says “whee”

And everybody grins.

Bowling balls have lots of holes

To slide onto your fingers

And when the game is over with

The happy feeling lingers.

You have to wear some public shoes

But that’s okay, I guess.

Bowling’s basically like sex

But doesn’t make a mess!

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Why I Love The 4th of July, Middle School Boy Edition

If not for British taxes

And the redcoats being weenies

We might not have these fireworks

And Stars-and-Stripes bikinis,

So I for one am grateful

For wigs and wasted tea

‘Cause now there’s baseball, big buffets,

And other big things that start with “B”.

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Dirty Old Sailor Describes A Fond Memory

You’re nervous when you look upon

Her soft, humid curves.

You want nothing more than to

Give all that she deserves

And even as your fingers shake

When you touch her humid walls

The warmth deeper within her

To all your instinct calls.

Trembling, you go inside

And hear her many sounds

As wave and wave again

Against her body pounds.

You know whatever happens

You must not be seen…

Some of you thought of your girlfriend,

But this poem’s about a submarine.

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At Least I Commit To Finishing Acrostics Though

I is for the intimacy we have yet to share

M is for the the many ways I show you I care

N is for how no one can compare

E is for “except that girl who has the pretty hair.”

V is for how very sorry I will claim to be

E is for that exceptional hair I never will unsee…

R is for I’m really sorry this time. Forgive me?

G is for the gift I’ll buy to say that I’m sorry

E is for how every day you give me another chance.

T is for the tightness you inspire in my pants

T is for your temperance, which totally rhymes with “dance”

I is for how I hope to rekindle our romance

N is for how nuts it is I ogle other girls

G is for “good thing I’m not into hair with sexy curls.”

L is for how light catches her hair as it unfurls…

A is for “Alright, alright! I’ll buy you some new pearls.”

I is for I really wish I were a better dude

D is for “Doggone it, if you weren’t such a prude…”

A is for apologizing for how I am lewd

G is for the golden curls falling upon the nude…

A is for “At least I didn’t finish the previous line.”

I is for the infinite ways you, my dear, are fine.

N is the never being bad again if you’ll remain as mine.

! is the punctuation after you vehemently decline.

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Boom! Soft In Seconds

She was a 10.

I was a male.

I thought it was love,

Then she said “I like kale.”

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It’ll Be Safe, I Promise!

The people aboard

The Titanic never heard

“Nah babe, just the tip.”

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Gary Gygax Is My Promise Ring

Some people use condoms.

Some folks use the pill.

Some people are celibate.

There are other methods still;

My favorite of the methods

To prevent a pregnancy

Is by telling all my dates

That I play D&D.

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Oooh Yeah… Daddy Sauron Is Goblin Me Up…

I some some little known facts

About some popular things,

Like how in the very first draft

Of Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”

Mount Doom was not a volcano

But instead a magnificent gorge

In which Sauron demanded

His orcs run a magical forge.

Luckily, one clever editor

Got to give his final say:

“I think the ‘quest to Orc-Chasm‘

“Could be said in a most awkward way.”

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Male Black Widow Problems

Today is Friday night.

I’m with my darling wife.

We’re gonna have some crazy sex

‘Cause I am done with life.

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