Tag Archives: Sex

The College Nerd

Back when I lived in the dorms,

I was no fan of social norms.

It was there when I finally heard

My conscience say “you are a nerd.”

For in the dorm above my own

One night I heard a lustful moan,

Then another, then yet more

While I was beating my high score.

Although my skill is up to snuff

The type of games I play are tough

So I yelled “Be quiet when you *bleep* her!

“I’m trying to focus on Minesweeper.”

Now you may laugh and call me names

Since I scoff at sex while playing games

But I avoided future strife:

Minesweeper trains men for married life.

Virgin loser? Yep, that’s me!

Enjoy your one-night TNT.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

Reason #4,231,278 I Love Texas

I got a letter from a woman:

“I’m not pretty,” she wrote.

I wrote back “That’s okay.

“I once f***ed a goat.”*

Believe it or not

She never wrote back.

It seems my sage wisdom

Got her self-esteem back on track!

*Not a literal goat, you pervert! That’s just what we call my cousin.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

I Got Game?

My sex life is like a game of bridge,

And I don’t mean bland:

I don’t need a partner

‘Cause I have an awesome hand.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Close Encounters

I met her on the corner

Somewhere ’round midnight

She wore next to nothing

And held a red light.

She said “it’s $100 an hour”

Just so you know.

I gave her a dime

And said “guess I’ll go slow.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Sex In A Pool

My heart skips a beat

As our bodies intertwine,

Her hands on my shoulders,

Her lips locked in mine.

Somewhere a small voice

Says “you can’t do that here,”

But my eyes meet my love

And away goes my fear.

Our clothes are all gone

And we get on our way.

The little voice speaks

But I shove it away.

The air fills with moaning,

With screams of my name.

Our love is the water,

Our passion a flame!

After what seems a lifetime

Our forms pull away.

I hope the rec center

Will let us come back some day.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Valor’s Better Half (Alternate Title: Close To Home)

Discretion is a virtue

For which some have a knack.

Alas, it seems my roommate

In this department oft does lack.

I too must use discretion

When I lay upon his pillow

Subtle ads for soundproofing

And houses for rent on Zillow.

His endurance is remarkable

As much as his discretion.

He can “dance” for 90 minutes

Split into 60 micro-sessions.

I thought about live-tweeting

My compatriot’s loving dance

But by the time I’d typed my password

I’d already lost my chance.

Now in addition to discretion

Temperance I must display

To avoid sending him this poem

About his “bet you can’t have just one” lays.

You might call that passive-aggressive

And Dear Reader you’d be right.

I’ll ponder such implications

As I’m live-tweeting tonight.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

That Time Of The Month

I saw her in a shady bar

And decided to go a step too far.

I invited her out into my car

Beneath the full white moon.

We did about what you’d expect.

It was so wrong yet so correct.

We surely were not circumspect

And afterwards slept ’til noon.

And when at twelve I done awoke

I very nearly had a stroke

For beside me was a bearded bloke

Where before there’d been a lady.

That moment’s when I’d realize

That full white moon caused the disguise.

I’d fallen prey to a Werewoman’s lies.

Now the bars I go to are less shady.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems