I have a voyeuristic cat
Who likes to look at this and that.
He’d probably be less entertained
If his own this and that remained,
But since he’s now a they/them
He’ll hop atop the bed: “Ahem.”
And when we finish he does not,
But instead meows: “You’re in my spot.”
Filed under Poems
You know Penis and Meatstick, Schlong, Dong, and ManPalace,
Manparts, “The Ramparts,” and Weiner and Phallus,
But do you recall
The most famous Mickey of all?
Mickey the big-dick Reindeer
Had a very shiny body part
And if you go deep enough on Google
You can probably find fan art. (Please don’t try this!)
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh, except the does.
They just avoided contact
To not be labelled ho-ho-hoes.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say…
“Mickey, the elves started an insurrection.
I have need of your balls and weighty erection.”
Then how the laughter halted
As they watched the rebels flee.
“We’re sorry for feeling threatened
By your girthy masculinity!”
Men, you probably know by now
About romantic passion,
And how the ambiance before
Takes quite a bit to fashion.
One must say the secret words
To snare a woman’s heart
And have stamina and strength enough
To delay that tempting fart.
Tonight I learned another step
That our ancestors did
That promoted procreation:
They closed the piano keyboard lid.
Alas, I lacked their wisdom
And an Earth that might have shaken
Is now not more than legend
Thanks to the route the cat has taken.
Filed under Poems
Bowling balls are very hard
And also very round.
When they strike the bowling line
They make a smacky sound,
And when the balls crash into all
The pretty pear-shaped pins
The guy who threw the ball says “whee”
And everybody grins.
Bowling balls have lots of holes
To slide onto your fingers
And when the game is over with
The happy feeling lingers.
You have to wear some public shoes
But that’s okay, I guess.
Bowling’s basically like sex
But doesn’t make a mess!
Filed under Poems
If not for British taxes
And the redcoats being weenies
We might not have these fireworks
And Stars-and-Stripes bikinis,
So I for one am grateful
For wigs and wasted tea
‘Cause now there’s baseball, big buffets,
And other big things that start with “B”.
Filed under Poems
You’re nervous when you look upon
Her soft, humid curves.
You want nothing more than to
Give all that she deserves
And even as your fingers shake
When you touch her humid walls
The warmth deeper within her
To all your instinct calls.
Trembling, you go inside
And hear her many sounds
As wave and wave again
Against her body pounds.
You know whatever happens
You must not be seen…
Some of you thought of your girlfriend,
But this poem’s about a submarine.
Filed under Poems
I is for the intimacy we have yet to share
M is for the the many ways I show you I care
N is for how no one can compare
E is for “except that girl who has the pretty hair.”
V is for how very sorry I will claim to be
E is for that exceptional hair I never will unsee…
R is for I’m really sorry this time. Forgive me?
G is for the gift I’ll buy to say that I’m sorry
E is for how every day you give me another chance.
T is for the tightness you inspire in my pants
T is for your temperance, which totally rhymes with “dance”
I is for how I hope to rekindle our romance
N is for how nuts it is I ogle other girls
G is for “good thing I’m not into hair with sexy curls.”
L is for how light catches her hair as it unfurls…
A is for “Alright, alright! I’ll buy you some new pearls.”
I is for I really wish I were a better dude
D is for “Doggone it, if you weren’t such a prude…”
A is for apologizing for how I am lewd
G is for the golden curls falling upon the nude…
A is for “At least I didn’t finish the previous line.”
I is for the infinite ways you, my dear, are fine.
N is the never being bad again if you’ll remain as mine.
! is the punctuation after you vehemently decline.
Filed under Poems
She was a 10.
I was a male.
I thought it was love,
Then she said “I like kale.”
Filed under Poems
The people aboard
The Titanic never heard
“Nah babe, just the tip.”
Filed under Poems
Some people use condoms.
Some folks use the pill.
Some people are celibate.
There are other methods still;
My favorite of the methods
To prevent a pregnancy
Is by telling all my dates
That I play D&D.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 