If you say “Sentimental Salamander” ten times
Then bellow, “Meet your doom”
People on the train will give you space
So yay to more leg room!
Tag Archives: Life Hacks
So, SO Ber
I am the guy who doesn’t drink
But you would never know.
I order fancy cocktails like
A coke and H2O,
A margarita with just the rocks,
A daiquiri sans gin,
A Moscow Mule without the lime
And hold the liquid sin.
These lines and others have done me right
And now I’m proud to be
Watching some Youtube on Friday night
Just I, Myself, and Me!
Filed under Poems
Bad With Names? Try This One Simple Trick That Oprah Said Is “No Comment”
If everyone in the entire world
Named their kids “Steve Penn”
We’d never have to sign our name
On anything again,
Never have an awkward moment
When you wake up in bed
With someone whose name you forgot…
Just say “Hey Steve” instead!
You’d never wear a name tag,
Never forget who wrote a play…
Everyone would win on Jeopardy
And movie credits would go away.
It’s such a great idea
That I hardly have to sell it,
Even though if everyone’s share’s the name
Baristas would still misspell it.
We would have an era of peace
If everyone were named “Steve Penn.”
That is, until people used middle names
And the chaos returned again…
Filed under Poems
Other Viable Weapons Include Chihuahuas, Telemarketers, And The Music Of Taylor Swift
Are you unhappy?
Perhaps you’re depressed?
You want to shoot up a school
Because you’re so stressed?
Don’t grab your assault gun
And make hunters sad.
Instead, grab some kale
And do something bad.
If a few more folk heroes
With defective prozac
Go out with a bang
Via kale attack
The liberals will ban it
And the world will shout “yay!”
To leave your legacy
That’s the very best way.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 