If your child is a knock-knocker
And you are a who’s-there-er
Then you probably know by now
You’ve made a huge parenting error.
Tag Archives: Mistake
Cat Vs. Mirror: The Phantom Menace
His likeness was mine,
His visage my own.
His eyes shone the same,
His fur shared my tone.
I gazed at him
And he gazed back at me.
I figured he saw
What I also did see.
I swiped at his paw
And he swiped back at mine.
It was time to rebuke
This copycat swine!
We swiped at each other.
His claws were like glass!
We fought like equals
But I kicked his ass.
Then I spun around
And that coward fled.
Now it’s time for eating
And then off to bed.
Filed under Poems
Small Dog, Big Mistake
I saw on my lawn, between the mounds
Of wood chips, a dog of 15 pounds.
It was white and fluffy and ugly as sin
And it was having its way with my newspaper bin.
So I snuck over and scooped him up.
Oh, you should have heard that pup!
He barked and wailed and growled and bit.
I knew no way to calm the…git
And so I took it to the pound
To hope the monster would be found.
The police met me at the door.
As I was cuffed, I asked “what for?”
I was arrested for my labors
For my lawn has no wood chips: ‘Twas my neighbor’s.
Filed under Poems
Um, Yeah, You Kinda Do…
When you slip on a banana
While you wish upon a star.
When you’re whistling Santana
And someone steals your car.
When you order Cappuccino
But you’re served Americano.
When your spelunk with Al Pacino
And you get covered in guano.
Whenever great things happen
Followed by a social gaffe…
Sure, that stuff is funny
But you don’t have to laugh!
Filed under Poems
As Seen On Youtube
Have you ever been walking,
Not thinking at all,
When you look up
And in love you fall?
I almost did
At 10:30 today,
Except that stupid pole
Got in the way.
Elegy for an Innova Blizzard Boss Champion Disc
What comes up comes down.
If that’s true, then why won’t my
Frisbee leave the roof?
Filed under Poems
Don’t Press “A,” Don’t Press… Oops
I think that just before we’re born
We make like a video game;
We design our skills and appearances
And even pick our name.
I have evidence for my theory,
And you are my best case
‘Cause your fingers tend to slip a lot
And, well, look at your face!
Filed under Poems
Special Delivery
I’ve watched a lot of “movies”
That aren’t on IMDB.
They made delivering pizzas
Look like a pretty good job to me.
And indeed, I did get special requests
From my female clientele,
But mostly they’re “draw a pic on the box.”
That or “go to Hell.”
I tried to target neighborhoods
Where people cannot pay,
But mostly they’d just write a check
And send me on my way.
So I quit my job as a pizza guy
For I had been mislead.
Now I spend my afternoons
Cleaning swimming pools instead.
Filed under Poems
Regarding the Effects of Alcohol on Perception
Her face was almost holy,
But in truth was kind of crass
Like a baseball in a church
Hit through a window of stained glass.
Her body was like a lion,
Kind of noble, but too hairy,
And her name was like a melody
That sounded just like “Jerry.”
And as we flirted in the bed
Of her slate grey Chevy truck
Her laugh closely resembled
A mixed chihuahua and a duck.
And I drew a terrible conclusion
As sparks flew through the truck.
Jerry wasn’t a her at all,
And I’d run out of luck.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 