Slice of lemon in your glass?
That happens all the time,
But have you ever wondered why
It’s not a slice of lime?
The lighter-colored citrus fruits
Are served most frequently
Because climate change and racists.
That’s what half the people see.
The other half are shouting
That the lack of water-limes
Is thanks to the free-market
In these far-from-certain times
And that the pro-lime lobbyists
Will take your guns away
And so in lemon drinks we trust…
In Jesus’ name we pray.
Filed under Poems
They can trap us in their zoo
Behind their walls of glass
And teach us social boundaries
That we’re not allowed to pass,
Feed us just enough bad news
To keep our anger stoked
So we don’t see the sedatives
With which we’re being poked.
We the livestock draw the crowds
Of wealthy and elected
Whose power cries more loudly
Than the souls they have neglected.
They say they’ll cure our poverty
If they can have their way
Then toast with million dollar wine
And fly their jets away.
We watch the birds who fly outside
This zoo we somehow cherish.
We think that if we join them
We would starve or freeze or perish,
Yet the glass is not unbreakable
In our patron’s steel zoo.
Some of us still crave the sky
And so I ask: Do you?
If you don’t like the country
In which you make your home
Then see the world as options
To the places you might roam.
And if you’re in a country
You dislike but can’t depart
You are in our prayers,
In our thoughts, and in our heart.
But if you can leave your country
And insult it while you stay
Then do us all a favor
And shut up or move away.
Placelandia! We celebrate
The nation that is not a state,
The place where politicians come to die!
Where residents have common sense
And our plan for national defense
Is not to be a dick to folks nearby.
Placelandia! We celebrate
Our lack (so far) of Watergate
Or other nasty scandals of that kind.
Where citizens think differently
And something backs our currency;
A country built with happiness in mind.
Placelandia! Placelandia!
A nation that can safely be ignored.
Placelandia! Placelandia!
Where drama-seeking tourists will be bored.
Placelandia! We celebrate
That here nice guys can get a date
And nobody is told they must comply.
Where everybody owns a Glock
And Fox exec Rupert Murdoch
Would not have had to cancel Firefly.
Placelandia! We celebrate
A place mostly devoid of hate,
Where legs just shave themselves if given time.
We hope you have enjoyed this song
And pop stars didn’t sing too long
Before the very easy ending rhyme.
Placelandia! Placelandia!
It’s a pretty snazzy kinda joint.
Placelandia! Placelandia!
Okay, okay, okay! We get the point!
She is a shining unicorn
Cloaked in righteous fire.
To her all that’s unequal
Is an injustice dire.
A gynocentric unity
Is all she needs for bliss
And society might like her
If she didn’t look like this:
Filed under Poems
If I had my own country…
Let’s call it Placelandia…
I know exactly
The flag I’d want.
It would be all white
But with black letters
That said “Placelandia”
In the biggest possible font.
I think Placelandia
Would be kinda okay
And help elementary school kids
Get, in geography, an A.
Filed under Poems
I read my child the story
Of a little red poultry whom
I respect, thus its female genitalia
Did not cause me its gender to assume.
My child looked up and said “Parent,
“I like when you do funny voices
“But why can’t we read about princesses
“Then make our own damn political choices?”
Filed under Poems
