You haven’t thought of pickles today
And you haven’t jumped a rope.
You haven’t kissed an armadillo
And you’ll never be the pope.
Your eyes aren’t orange like cinnamon
And you have a tooth smaller than your knee,
But if we voted for a different guy
You’ll probably disagree.
Filed under Poems
Free college is nice
But some don’t want it.
Free healthcare is grand
But some people taunt it.
If we want to please
The entire USA
Pass a law that makes
Every day Saturday!
Filed under Poems
If America falls into a second civil war
And you live in a republican town
It’s smart to hide in the welfare office
‘Cause that’s one place the Dems won’t burn down.
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If America falls into a second civil war
And you live in a democratic city
You’ll get shot alright
But if you’re not white
No one will say anything that makes you feel shitty.
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If America falls into a second civil war
And California is wiped off the map
The quality of films will go through the roof
As long as you like that Japanese crap.
Filed under Poems
When I was a kid
I saw a film that changed my life
About a team of athletes
Who were suffering from strife.
They were not good at basketball
So they hired a dog to play.
If a dog can win a championship
Why not elect it, eh?
Filed under Poems
What you need to know about ducks
Is not as important as the fact
That every day a million fish
Are, by some birds, attacked.
Those fish cannot defend themselves
Against these violent birds
And it’s time for us to take a stand
And learn to use our words.
When I held political office
In a non-avian related capacity
I realized that my constituents
Viewed me as a guy with some sagacity.
Because of that, I make my case
That fish deserve love too
So vote for me in 2020
And also ducks. Thank you!
Filed under Poems
The Right
NASCAR is America’s favorite sport,
And know I think I know why:
They keep turning left over and over
Until they crash, burn, and die.
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The Left
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But the first guy does not understand:
If the drivers do not turn left fast enough
The kill random folks in the stands.
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The Highly Intelligent
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But I prefer monster trucks.
At least we agree on the important stuff,
Which is to agree soccer sucks.
Filed under Poems
I don’t call you “sir” ’cause I hate you.
I don’t call you “ma’am” to be a bigot.
I use words 99.4 percent of people
Will prefer to be called. Can you dig it?
Filed under Poems
