Tag Archives: Parties

How To Gracefully Excuse Yourself From A Social Event

If you are called at host’s behest

To play the role of honored guest

And feel perhaps a little stressed

Then heed this wisdom I think best:

First, if you need not prevent

Your presence at the said event

Then notice how your time is spent

And be amazed how fast it went,

But if instead you wish to flee

You’re wise indeed to contact me

For ’tis amazing what you’ll see

If you, for just a moment, pee.

If urination’s not your style

Another way to leave a while

Is to enter, wave, and smile

And call out as a greeting, “Heil!”

If these two tips do not work out

Don’t underestimate a pout,

For dourness beyond a doubt

Is a fair way to thumb one’s snout.

Urine, Nazi, or be sullen:

All are safe ways to be cullen,

So brand yourself ein angsty creep

And thou shall glow from longer sleep!

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Party Like You Forgot To Take Your Meds And The Voices Are Coming Back!

Everyone is happy.

Everyone is having fun

Until the quiet loner guy

Pulls out his loaded gun.

Everyone is joyful.

Everyone joins in the dance

‘Til that one guy from accounting

Pulls a K-bar from his pants.

It’s at that point the happiness

On that crowded dancing floor

Gives way to massive panic

And a stampede for the door.

Now K-bar guy is happy

As is Steve (He’s got the gun)

Because the flat is empty now

And the small talk is all done.

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Single Parents

Creatures from the valley
And monsters of the sky
Meet once a year to celebrate
Somewhere around Shanghai.

They talk about their differences
And play some volleyball
And dance around a shooting star
And drink until last call.

Then they find a human folk
And roast them o’er the flame,
Because they’re monsters after all;
To not do so would be lame.

And having eaten, sinned, and all
They fly and dig back home.
Dad said that’s where mama went.
He read it in a tome.

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I Try To Be Social

If I had a pet penguin
I’d be a cooler guy,
‘Cause nothing impresses people
Like a bird that doesn’t fly.

I know this as a fact,
Having garnered my first clue
When my neighbor had a party
After buying an emu.

So I went into the pet store,
But no penguin could be found.
I couldn’t even find one
In the wild or the pound.

That’s why I bought this parrot
Who says such funny things.
It’s not flightless, but hey,
At my party I’ll serve wings.

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