Today I learned in school
That everyone’s equally cool
So I wore my knickerbocker.
Now I’m cool inside my locker.
Tag Archives: poems
Pride Month Makes Saving Money Easier
So today I went out to eat
And a rainbow was on my receipt.
Inspired, I resolved
To not get involved
Buying anything ‘til I feel July’s heat.
Filed under Poems
But Jell-O, Pasta, Potatoes, Tacos… All Fair Game
I think when you turn 40
You get a superpower
To make any food into a salad.
But when you’re 45
The option to use vegetables
Besides celery suddenly becomes invalid.
Filed under Poems
Diamonds Are Forever… Like Taxes
“Nothing gold can stay“
Is another way to say
If you’re male and not gay
You’re gonna have to pay.
Filed under Poems
Meaning? Maybe. Rhymes? Absolutely!
There once was a dame with no name
Who spent days playing a lame game.
Her tame claim to fame came
When her aim to blame the same game
Overcame her shame of being no-name.
Filed under Poems
Also, Unpaid Overtime!
Getting a promotion
Is a matter of pretending
That you listen to that guy
At weekly meetings never-ending.
Your reward for your attention
Is a minor bump in pay
And the new and useful privilege
Of having meetings every day.
Filed under Poems
Guess Which One Every ****ing Driver Picked Today, Apparently?
I am driving down the street
In two-thousand pounds of speeding death.
I can watch the road ahead
Or answer a text from my buddy, Seth.
Filed under Poems
On The Devaluation Of Currency And Its Indirect Consequences To Tourism And Related Industries (Or: Time To Invest In Fountains, As The Price Of Wishes Just Went Up 400%)
I sing of a coin called a penny
Whose value was just less than “any”.
It was cash, free and legal, and yet it
Was not worth the effort to get it.
If it’s true what the president hinted
No longer will such coins be minted
And I for one ponder this pickle:
Will folks still pay for a souvenir nickel?
Filed under Poems
What To Do After You’re Elected To Public Office
If at first you don’t succeed
Succumb to existential greed
And steal from folks for their own good
And then claim you’re misunderstood.
Filed under Poems
Songwriting Tip #5678
If your chorus is just one sentence
Repeated exactly four times
That song isn’t actually music
And one day you’ll pay for your crimes.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 