Tag Archives: Star Wars

Use The Haiku, Luke

I

Two Jedi go find

Slave boy on a desert world,

Blow up space station

II

Slave boy’s all grown up

Turns out there are lots of clones

And a war begins

III

Slave boy kills younglings,

Upgrades wardrobe with a cape

And breathing device

IV

Old Jedi befriends

Farm boy on a desert world,

Blows up space station

V

Farm boy meets his dad.

Talking doesn’t go so well.

Things get out of hand

VI

Crime boss meets his match

And the farm boy saves his dad,

Blows up space station

VII

Desert planet girl

Looks for farm boy far away,

Blows up space station

VIII

What the #%%* was this?

Slow car chase through space, I guess?

Also, farm boy dies

IX

Space girl with map knife…

“Somehow, Palpatine returned”…

Identity Theft…

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He Has Become More Powerful Than We Can Possibly Imagine

Death hung up the phone

And looked upon the acres

Of tombstones,

Each of them for a deceased death,

Each of which also died

Minutes after receiving the same call.

From Chuck Norris:

“Ready for another try?”

But this time Chuck was ready

To pull an Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Death was just a means to an end…

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The Force Awakens; The Audience Sleeps

Ten years ago today

We saw a theatrical trailer

For what history may call

The biggest cinematic failure:

A lifeless Star Wars reboot

That exceeded our most cynical fears.

Now come back and read this poem

In another couple of years.

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Qui Gonn Logic

Crazy little slave

Killed an army just for kicks.

Better train the kid!

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The Menace Is No Longer Phantom

In 1999 they released a film

About an old guy that starts a galactic war

Where one side wants free markets

And one side wants big government

But they both serve the same exact dark lord

Now in 2024 we’re given a choice

Between two wrinkly warmongers as well

And I’m going to vote for the one

Who shoots lightning from his thumbs

‘Cause that’s the objectively cooler ruler of Hell.

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An Ode To Our Favorite Alien

There once was a Mon Calamari

Whose name was Admiral Ackbar. He

Was all like “Oh snap!”

And exclaimed “It’s a trap!”

And thanks to him the wars were all starry.

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I’d Take JarJar Binks At This Point

Obi-Wan Kenobi is our only hope

But will he run for president?

Another year of “nope”.

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Hi God… Let’s Talk Retcons For A Sec

Every night I go to sleep

After a simple prayer

When I recall the Star Wars sequels

And wish they weren’t there.

Every day when I awake

My wish was not obeyed,

But someday soon we’ll see a world

In which only six were made…

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Averted The Crisis Is. Used Common Sense We Did.

A long time ago,

In a galaxy far away

Some Jedi asked the federation

How much they’d have to pay

To get the robot army guys

To stop blocking Naboo.

They came to a reasonable compromise

And they never filmed episode two.

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If Background Characters Mattered: Star Wars Edition

Of all the films that ever ended

Then were released in versions extended

The biggest scene these films still lack

Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”

Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy

Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky

Sees a disembodied hand somewhere

And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”

Moments later Steve just laughed

When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft

Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader

And went back home to his giant crater.

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