Tag Archives: Star Wars

Yeah… The Swooshing Noises Would Get Old Pretty Fast… WAIT! Noise Cancelling Laser Armor!

The Jedi Order’s been around

For many thousands of years

And made a lot of laser swords

They didn’t give their peers.

These laser swords cut anything

Except each other, it seems,

And they block laser guns and stuff

And red ones oft cause screams.

My question for the Jedi,

Who claim to be guardians of peace,

Is why they never thought to make

An armor made of these?

A suit of laser armor

That blocks all forms of harm

Would prevent a lot of Jedi who

So often lose an arm,

As well as making everyone

Invulnerable to violence.

The only downside I can see

Is that the world would no longer have silence…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Sir Alec Guinness, Ladies and Gents

There once was a guy named Obi

Whose surname was, weirdly, Kenobi.

Then this kid came along…

“Do you know Obi-Wan?”

And he was like “Of course I know me!”

—————————————————————

There once was a trooper, unnamed,

Who sought droids with data untamed,

But Obi’s like “Pu-lease!

“You ain’t looking for these.”

Only later trooper thought “I got gamed.”

—————————————————————

There one was a giant black guy

Who had a death star in the sky.

Obi met him one day

And was like “Ani! Hey!”

And then Obi-Wan’s like, “Guess I’ll die.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Why They REALLY Monitor School Lunches

There once was a senator from Naboo

Who, of the Sith Order, knew.

One day he used the dark side,

Shot some lightning and died…

I guess he had a peanut allergy too!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Some Truths Are Harder To Accept

Roses are red.

The worst sport is soccer.

Biden’s the pres’

Just like Rey’s a Skywalker.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

But What Was He Wearing? (Breathes Heavily)

Obi Wan Kenobi

Was arrested yesterday.

He force-pushed a clone trooper

Who had been in his way.

“In my defense, the trooper

“Was swearing as I recall,”

Said Obi Wan, the Jedi

Who made an obscene clone fall.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Star Wars Episode IX

The stormtrooper lands

In Nairobi, Kenya

And fires his blaster

Into the falling H2O.

The Jedi asks the trooper

“What was all that?”

And the trooper says

“I miss the rains down in Africa.”

*Roll Credits*

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The Last Jedi’s Valentine

A dozen roses can show your love

If flowers are what your love adores

But if you send a Rose Tico

You might accidentally kill Star Wars.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The 900-Year-Old Virgin

I discovered a Star Wars easter egg

That no one’s noticed yet.

The Jedi forbid romantic love

In times the prequels set.

This ban on love and marriage

As a staple of Jedi law

Lasted from Yoda’s infancy

To his death on Dagobah.

So the Easter egg I mentioned

That everybody missed

Is Yoda was Disney’s Frog Prince

That no one ever kissed.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Why The Chihuahua Doesn’t To Come In My Room Anymore

I’m burning photographs

Of someone that I loved,

Watching ashes dance

From earth to what’s above

And wondering silently

On how it could have been.

Is unwillingness to forgive

Lack of virtue or actual sin?

I hold his body in my arms…

What’s left of it at least.

Who knew that to a warrior

A simple dog was such a beast?

But now I am alone again

My mind already set

On how I can replace

My unopened* limited-edition Boba Fett.

*Previously unopened… 😭

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

It’s Not Easy Being Anakin

Back when we were younger

I saw you on the sand.

I asked “are you an angel?”

Though I wasn’t yet a man.

Then I left my family

And the only home I knew

To be the kind of wizard

Who deserved a queen like you.

My world with you seemed softer,

Not like sand that’s rough and coarse,

Your presence a temptation

Like the dark side of the force.

I wanted an eternal life

With you, my precious star,

But alas instead of in my heart

I looked for it on Mustafar.

There I had an accident

Involving lava splatter.

My foe had the high ground

But I thought it didn’t matter.

As you died in childbirth

We shared one final “Ow!”

Then your boss gave me a suit

And said “You’re Vader now.”

And now I rule the galaxy

With my evil brand of zen

Until I find that special someone

Who calls me daddy once again.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems