Tag Archives: Star Wars

Hi God… Let’s Talk Retcons For A Sec

Every night I go to sleep

After a simple prayer

When I recall the Star Wars sequels

And wish they weren’t there.

Every day when I awake

My wish was not obeyed,

But someday soon we’ll see a world

In which only six were made…

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Averted The Crisis Is. Used Common Sense We Did.

A long time ago,

In a galaxy far away

Some Jedi asked the federation

How much they’d have to pay

To get the robot army guys

To stop blocking Naboo.

They came to a reasonable compromise

And they never filmed episode two.

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If Background Characters Mattered: Star Wars Edition

Of all the films that ever ended

Then were released in versions extended

The biggest scene these films still lack

Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”

Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy

Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky

Sees a disembodied hand somewhere

And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”

Moments later Steve just laughed

When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft

Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader

And went back home to his giant crater.

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Yeah… The Swooshing Noises Would Get Old Pretty Fast… WAIT! Noise Cancelling Laser Armor!

The Jedi Order’s been around

For many thousands of years

And made a lot of laser swords

They didn’t give their peers.

These laser swords cut anything

Except each other, it seems,

And they block laser guns and stuff

And red ones oft cause screams.

My question for the Jedi,

Who claim to be guardians of peace,

Is why they never thought to make

An armor made of these?

A suit of laser armor

That blocks all forms of harm

Would prevent a lot of Jedi who

So often lose an arm,

As well as making everyone

Invulnerable to violence.

The only downside I can see

Is that the world would no longer have silence…

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Sir Alec Guinness, Ladies and Gents

There once was a guy named Obi

Whose surname was, weirdly, Kenobi.

Then this kid came along…

“Do you know Obi-Wan?”

And he was like “Of course I know me!”

—————————————————————

There once was a trooper, unnamed,

Who sought droids with data untamed,

But Obi’s like “Pu-lease!

“You ain’t looking for these.”

Only later trooper thought “I got gamed.”

—————————————————————

There one was a giant black guy

Who had a death star in the sky.

Obi met him one day

And was like “Ani! Hey!”

And then Obi-Wan’s like, “Guess I’ll die.”

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Why They REALLY Monitor School Lunches

There once was a senator from Naboo

Who, of the Sith Order, knew.

One day he used the dark side,

Shot some lightning and died…

I guess he had a peanut allergy too!

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Some Truths Are Harder To Accept

Roses are red.

The worst sport is soccer.

Biden’s the pres’

Just like Rey’s a Skywalker.

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But What Was He Wearing? (Breathes Heavily)

Obi Wan Kenobi

Was arrested yesterday.

He force-pushed a clone trooper

Who had been in his way.

“In my defense, the trooper

“Was swearing as I recall,”

Said Obi Wan, the Jedi

Who made an obscene clone fall.

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Star Wars Episode IX

The stormtrooper lands

In Nairobi, Kenya

And fires his blaster

Into the falling H2O.

The Jedi asks the trooper

“What was all that?”

And the trooper says

“I miss the rains down in Africa.”

*Roll Credits*

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The Last Jedi’s Valentine

A dozen roses can show your love

If flowers are what your love adores

But if you send a Rose Tico

You might accidentally kill Star Wars.

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