I remember when beer was manly
And women played women’s sports
And the internet had telephone cords
And kids went outside to build forts…
When a penny bought a tootsie roll
And a handshake was a deal
But nowhere in my memory
Were the politicians real.
Filed under Poems
The guys who, in the ‘90s,
Made the singing Big Mouth Bass
Will be long renowned by history
For redefining “urban class.”
Alas, they could have changed music
Had they thought ahead so far
As to make an instrument
They called the “bass guitar.”
Filed under Poems
I read someone’s list
Of their favorite childhood movies…
The Lion King, Bambi… those types.
If you are its creator
I want to remind you
Of the Microsoft screensaver pipes.
Filed under Poems
One hundred years ago today
A boy and girl were scared
Together in the chapel,
Neither one of them prepared
To spend a life exclusively
In one another’s heart,
But shared a kiss and promise there
‘Til death tore them apart.
Five years from that fateful day
A child joined the two
And once again they stood in fear
Without a hope or clue,
Uncertain how to raise a child
And keep him safe from pain,
But wrapped him in a blanket
And they walked him through the rain.
When fifteen years expired
Since the day they said “I do,”
They met a world of poverty
And skies were seldom blue,
And sometimes they’d go weeks on end
And not a dollar see,
But when they ate, they said their prayers
They ate as family.
Twenty years and thirty went
And forty passed away
And what was young was wrinkled up
And what was brown turned gray.
The easy things got harder
And the hard things all stayed tough,
But a couple has each other
And for them that was enough.
A hundred years ago today
Two words were said by two
And love that was uncertain then
We now can see was true.
There’s always rain, there’s always fear,
There’s always poverty,
And there will always be two more
To find serenity.
Filed under Poems
Like a printed photo album,
A collection of CDs,
The World Book Encyclopedia
Or watching things live on TV,
Like “Internet Explorer”
Or a brick-and-mortar store
Or carrying dimes to make a phone call
I don’t need you anymore.
I asked a higher being,
The all-knowing and all seeing
If I should turn my life around
Or stay the same, all safe and sound.
I saw a vision in the blue
And what it said had to be true.
I summoned my courage and focused my zen.
It said “Reply hazy. Try again.”
Filed under Poems
You’ve got Candy Crush,
Farmville, Minecraft,
Plants vs. Zombies,
And the TV show “Shaft.”
You’ve got Halo 1-6
And Super Smash Bros Brawl.
As a lad, all I had
Was Space Cadet Pinball.
Filed under Poems
I remember the days of yore
When if you made a call
You could not use the internet.
No you couldn’t. Not at all.
I remember the olden days
When a prune was a “dried plum,”
And when Superhero movies
Were as tacky as they’d come.
If you complain about the future,
These are the comforts you should seek.
Besides these three things, however,
Yeah… The future’s kinda bleak.
Filed under Poems
‘Twas a short and hectic year
That crawled by a month at a time.
I ended most days with sleep
And started all with a rhyme.
I was unemployed for a while
After graduation,
But somehow I survived
And avoid flagellation.
I discovered the forbidden joys
Of anime and manga,
Continued doing improv,
And never lined a conga.
Now I work with Aflac,
With my days spent on the road,
But when I go to sleep at night
My shoulders lose a load
Because when I pull the covers
Over my weary head
I’m an undercover agent
Whom no government wants dead.
‘Twas a five-and-a-half stanza year.
Thanks for laughing with me here.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
It’s hard to write a poem
About the color orange
Without the introduction
Of the convenient rhyme of “door hinge.”
But orange is not a color
So much as a happy time
When it shines with gold as a sunset
Over fields of orange and lime.
Orange is every childhood
When you bought the collared shirt
In a pumpkin shade with a purple sweater
As you rolled amidst the dirt.
But as you ran between the Autumn trees
With the citrus sun burning your feet
And your fashion clashing, you realized
Being a kid is pretty neat.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 