If I were a toad
I would write fewer poems,
Which makes me think
I should go piss off a witch.
Category Archives: Poems
When You Gotta, But Ya Can’t
I want to address a problem
That so many men have known
But none will speak about it
Face-to-face or even by phone.
It’s the crushing fear we feel
When we’re getting prepped to pee
And someone steps beside us
And starts to take a wee.
In that dreadful moment
Within our bursting loins
The drying force of the Sahara
Erupts amidst our groins.
Whilst mere seconds beforehand
We felt the need to burst
Now we speak gently to ourselves
And pray to avoid the worst.
Dividers help avoid this plague.
Stalls are always best.
As long as bathrooms are in the news
Please heed my implied request!
Filed under Poems
After the Rave
What is orange
And six feet tall
And smells like it is dead?
This isn’t a joke.
I’m asking you
Because one is in my bed.
Filed under Poems
#LizardHaikus
Changing my colors
Is a dying form of art.
#ChameleonJokes
I don’t talk as much
Since I’m an insurance guy.
#FifteenPercentLess
I’m called a monster,
But if I had my own way
I’d be #CuteGila
Filed under Poems
Information Technology
Glory to the makers
Of electronic devices
For they have made available
All the knowledge of man
Yet only they know
How the heck the darn things work.
Filed under Poems
HBO Anyone?
I’ve created the pilot
Of a TV show
That is sure to be a success.
It’s called “Days of our Sons
“Of The Detectives Whom
“Go To High School in the North by Northwest.”
It features mysteries,
Drama, and romance
‘Neath a musical fantasy sky.
It may not be good,
And it may not get watched,
But it’ll run longer than Firefly.
Filed under Poems
A 93% Accurate History Of My Mom
When my Mom was younger
She worked on the railroad
All the live-long days.
She was filled with a hunger
To escape from the railroad
And find a guy with whom to pass the days.
She hung up her axe and hammer
For an erlenmeyer flask
And took a job for Carly Fiorina.
My Dad she did enamor
And had the guts to ask
“Do you want to see a show at the arena?”
They got married in the Summer
And moved out to Colorado
And brought my future sister to the world.
Three very-good years later
A doctor in Colorado
Said “you’ve got another kid in you. A girl.”
And so you dreamt of Molly
But months later Dave arrived
And his presence made your life complete.
When I think about it, golly!
Now your life story’s archived
And only for sake of rhymes did I once (or twice…) cheat.
Filed under Poems
Dating an Introvert
When you ask me if I’d like
To come inside and have a drink
I must admit I am unsure of
Just what I’m supposed to think.
For if you wish to offer me
Some decaf, juice, or tea
And chat a while and then retire
That sounds alright to me.
If you’re friendly invitation
Is an amorous innuendo
I’ll be flattered. Nonetheless
I’ll respectfully decline though.
And when, to the inviter,
These truths I clearly state
I get to home home early
And needn’t have a second date.
That Position In Bed
There was some smashing,
Some twisting and spitting,
Some moaning and throbbing,
And the eating of a peep.
I lay on my back and
The sheets got all sweaty
But now I’m all comfy
And ready for sleep.
The Daily Travesty 