It’s Friday night
And I’ve learned a bit
About Christmas trees
And how they fit.
Tag Archives: Adventure
The Rat Slayer’s Lament
Tonight I was a mighty warrior
Slinging balls of fire,
Casting down the many foes
Both minionesque and dire.
I spewed death from every pore
And slayed the vermin foul,
But when I leave the tavern’s basement
I throw in the towel.
Filed under Poems
Warning: This Poem Contains Homophonic Content. Reader Discretion Is Advised
I paid for the Italian festival,
A fair fair fare.
They had many exhibitions
Like a rare bare bear.
But when I tried to exit
I found myself trapped
By some drummers- a snare snare.
My pants almost were crapped
But thankfully I hadn’t
Eaten in the recent past
For just a short time.
‘Twas quite a fast fast.
My pants uncrapped, I
Did home in on my home
It was a long way away
As I’d been roamin’ in Rome.
I ran past the drummers
With a minimal fight.
The road forked three ways
But I took the right right.
They pursued me with insects,
Their mightiest mites
For several bishopy evenings
And several more knighty nights.
No, the fair wasn’t fair,
Nor was it even even
But I bested their best
And escaped without grievin’.
In the end I lost money,
But it was a fine fine
‘Cause the memories will last
Longer than the lion line.
Filed under Poems
“I’ll try anything once”
“I’ll try anything once”
Is a dumb thing to say
Unless with great agony
You are okay.
Would you lick a jellyfish,
Sword fight with a shark
Or leave a mean youtube comment
About Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Would you drink from the gutter
Or go surfing in Maine?
Would you call someone Mexican
If you know they’re from Spain?
Would you go see “The Notebook”
Starring Jackie Chan?
Stick your head in the oven
And hope to get tan?
I hope my point’s proven
But if you still say “Yes”
Then try liking this poem
And go learn to play chess.
Filed under Poems
Not The Adventurous Sort
If I could be any animal
For just a single day
I would be a human
‘Cause right now my life’s ok.
Filed under Poems
The Ballad of Meriwether
I don’t think Lewis and Clark
Were friends, like historians claim.
I think Clark forced Lewis to come
By threatening to reveal his first name.
Filed under Poems
Voyage to the Mall
The fruit loomed above me
As I Dockered the ship
On some Banana Republic
That smelled of Geoffrey Bean dip.
I rubbed my old fencing wound
Out of sight of the fella’s
That I got when I failed
A parry with Ellis.
The weather was silky,
A tres Calvin Clime,
And this old Navy man
Filled his coconut with lime.
But after I’d dithered
For three stanzas or so
I purchased some stuff.
That’s how shopping trips go.
Why Aliens Don’t Visit Anymore
Earth has too many humans,
And jupiter has too much gas.
Mercury and venus
Are much too hot to pass.
Mars just might have martians ,
And Saturn has too many rings,
And I don’t like the awful puns
Uranus always brings.
Pluto is a lovely place,
But it’s just a planetoid,
And Neptune is a neighborhood
The prudent should avoid.
I’ve flown around for years now,
But I’ve never found a place
And cool and dark and cozy
As life in outer space.
Filed under Poems
The River
Curvy, like bacon,
The river was snakin’,
But in our canoe
We knew what to do.
When the water got white
And no shore was in sight,
We weren’t worried
As through it we hurried.
When the waterfall came,
We felt just the same,
But we didn’t know
About the spiky rocks below.
But we came out of that one alive.
It’ll be a miracle if I live to twenty five.
The Daily Travesty 