Tag Archives: Plot Twist

When You Feel Invisible At Your Job

Shinji-San, as your boss

It is my job to say

I haven’t seen you working

Since at least last Saturday.

I haven’t seen you punching in,

I haven’t heard your voice,

And so I called you in today

Because I have no choice…

I’m giving you a pay raise

And your choice of special perk.

You’re a fantastic ninja

And I hope to see less good work.

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Just A Tip: Wait ‘Til All Is Revealed

Ladies: I am five-foot-two,

Bald, and overweight

With a salary four figures long

And a commemorative bowling plate.

Now sure, I know you’re thinking

“Does he know how bad that sounds?”

Well… if they circumcised me

I would lose 100 pounds…

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He Didn’t See That Coming Either

I met a guy

Who was afraid of the ocean,

The salt and the seaweed

And unending motion.

I said “You can fix it!

“Come swimming with me!”

Then I murdered and canned him

‘Cause he was Chicken of the Sea.

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But No! The Advertisers HAD To Lie To You…

I think the greatest opportunity

Anyone ever missed

Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”

Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!

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You Can’t Do It Alone

He found the perfect woman

And he bought the perfect ring

And he planned a perfect marriage

For a perfect queen and king.

Together in the gardens

He knelt and asked, “Would you…?”

And she took a knee beside him

And they silently protested racial injustice in sports.

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Relationship Goals

Two years ago on Sunday

I looked into her eyes

And promised her I love her

And I’m not like other guys.

One year ago on Sunday

I met with her and said

I’d fly us both to Venice

And we’d never leave the bed.

And now this year on Sunday

I’ll ask her to be my bride

And maybe this time she’ll says yes

And I’ll feel good inside!

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Famous Last Words from History

Long ago, when Earth was young

And Blockbuster was a thing

My girlfriend wanted me to find

A Pixar film to bring

So we might watch a family film

Where balloons can lift a house

Because we already saw the ones

With Toys and the gourmet mouse.

So I left home that evening

O’er icy roads to see

If the Blockbuster Video

Would rent us ‘Up’ on DVD.

All was fine at first

Until I parked and stepped outside

At which point I took quite a spill

And eventually I died…

My final act was calling

My beloved on my cell

As I saw the tunnel fill with light

And started off to Hell:

“Hey honey, this is Jeremy.

“You’d best put down your cup.

“I just wanted to let you know

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get ‘Up.'”

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One Night, But There’s No Standing

She stands tall and beautiful,

Symmetrical and brown.

Little did I know my touch

Will bring her crashing down.

Everyone around her stares

In silence, tense and fun

And I know I must reach out

And be her only one.

I know not where to try my luck,

So I start with her feet

Then move attention to her head,

The first trial complete.

Still she stands, but shaken

By the change in her I’ve wrought.

My hands keep going back to her

Despite how hard I fought.

All through the night I push and pull

And hope that I could change her,

But it is I who lost my nerve

Amidst an air of danger.

I thought I’d stand so tall and proud

And thought she’d do the same.

Alas, together we collapse;

Thus ends the Jenga game.

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Who Sang It Better?

I saw an advertisement

While mountain-climbing with my baby.

She asked, “Should we remove it?”

And I replied with, “Maybe.”

So up we climbed, so happy

And the snow made us reflective,

Until we turned around and looked

With our lenses-corrective

At what we later learned

Was a mass of falling soil

Which depressed me, for I knew my life

Was little more than toil.

In hindsight, I took my love

And I took ad down,

Climbed a mountain

And turned around,

I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill

‘Til a landslide brought me down.

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Southern Love

Somewhere there’s a purple bear

Who cries itself to sleep.

The cubs call him “The purple one

“Who, when he’s sleepy, weeps.”

I want to find that purple bear

Upon one lonely night

And give him stuffed Teddy Roosevelt

And say, “It’ll be alright.”

The purple bear will thank me

As he dries his tears away

And hug the small plush human

And know that he’s okay.

I want to pat that little bear

Upon his purple head,

But I’m also scared he’ll maul me

So I’m hunting him instead.

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