Tag Archives: Fashion

Kilts, On The Other Hand, Are Amazing

Shorts are the least sexy

Item of clothing

A human can possibly wear,

Beating out Birkenstocks,

Codpieces, bandanas,

And even trench coats made of hair.

I see Lady Gaga

Wear a dress of raw meat

And I think “Well, I guess it’s okay.”

But if I see your knees

And you’re not in a skirt

Then you’ve probably ruined my day.

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Voyage to the Mall

The fruit loomed above me
As I Dockered the ship
On some Banana Republic
That smelled of Geoffrey Bean dip.

I rubbed my old fencing wound
Out of sight of the fella’s
That I got when I failed
A parry with Ellis.

The weather was silky,
A tres Calvin Clime,
And this old Navy man
Filled his coconut with lime.

But after I’d dithered
For three stanzas or so
I purchased some stuff.
That’s how shopping trips go.

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Shining Armor?

They were selling shining armor
Of a glossy silver sheen,
But in armor so cliché
This knight would not be seen

For I’m not just a crusader;
I’m a pretty darn cool cat
‘Cause I passed on shining armor
In favor of the matte.

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I don’t wear enough color
If you believe her.
I’d wear mauve, taupe, or beryl
If I knew what those were.

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Answer: All Credibility

Like a polyester sunset
On a foreign moon
My tangerine and violet pants
Will make the ladies swoon.

I know I am an icon
Since I bought my puce fedora
And an indigo graphic t-shirt
About the African diaspora.

I’ve got a turquoise leather coat
And burgundy canvas shoes.
I’m going to make a statement.
What have I got to lose?

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The Cost of Fashion

You were a frumpy lady
In K-Mart head to toe,
But somewhere in your mind
My wallet said “Yolo.”
And thus began your journey
To your new, expensive self
Hoping to find happiness
On some designer’s shelf.

When my first check bounced
On the 23rd of June
I realized the price of your disguise
And howled to the moon,
‘Cause that two-hundred dollar t-shirt
And ten-thousand dollar sack,
Along with ninety pairs of shoes
Bought the shirt right off my back.

And to the lawyers who’ve been listening
I think you really oughta
Make sure she pays the alimony,
Even if it’s paid in Prada.

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