If I take off my Hawaiian shirt
You may think I intend to flirt
But when the Hawaiian pants come off…
Hey, wait a sec! Did you just scoff?
If I take off my Hawaiian shirt
You may think I intend to flirt
But when the Hawaiian pants come off…
Hey, wait a sec! Did you just scoff?
Filed under Poems
Bands will play their marches
And choirs sing their hymns
And jazzers swing their two-five-ones
And rockers take their stims
And orchestras will pizzicato
While dancers strike a pose
But what you just did on that stage
Managed to be none of those…
Filed under Poems
In 1999 the Matrix took the red pill.
In 2012, the Avengers were assembled.
In 2025 we’ll get the fifth Fantastic Four.
And now you understand just why I trembled.
Filed under Poems
I am a goose
I like to honk
I am a goose
I like to honk
I am a goose
I like to honk honk honk
I am a mom
I want to die
Filed under Poems
Americans love their football teams.
Canadians love their hockey.
Mexicans are the cross country champs.
In China it’s boxing (Not like Rocky).
Filed under Poems
If I had a nickel
For every commercial starring a white guy
I would have as much money
As the black people who aren’t in ads.
—————————————————————
Violets are black.
Roses are black.
Criminals are racially diverse
So cut me some slack.
—————————————————————
Sure, the future isn’t white
But don’t you worry! It’s alright!
Europe’s long past its golden days
And no one likes swimming anyways.
Filed under Poems
I paid a lot of money
To see Bingo balls go “whir”
At the place I lost my savings
And the waitress called me “sir”.
It’s worth it for the privilege
Of putting five things in a line
And laughing with the others when
They call “I 69”.
Filed under Poems
When I turn on my television
I see a world of superstition
Where our leaders act like children,
Have a cow.
Meanwhile, the kids can’t read or write
And I stay awake at night
And think “That Tide Pod’s looking pretty tasty now.”
We used to run through flowery meadows
But now the news says they’re full of pedos.
There hasn’t been a film worth watching for a year.
Now I could watch Star Wars again
Or read a book or try some zen
But I’m leaning towards a Tide Pod and a beer.
You can’t see the stars at night;
We’re devoid of light delights.
It’s the darkest season most of us have faced.
But the laundry in the dryer
Caused another forest fire
And we can’t let all that detergent go to waste…
I guess life ain’t all that bleak
Just cause girls are men and men are weak
And our food and water cause infertility.
Let’s count our blessings, me and you:
I’ll say “one”, and you say “two”,
Then have some denatorium benzoate with me.
Filed under Poems
I looked at the thong and what it covered
(Or more of what it didn’t hide).
I saw that arcing crack and had to ask
The most pressing question: “Butt Y?”
Filed under Poems
There once was a streaming station
Who aired a playoff game to the nation.
The broadcast was bad
And no one will be sad
If the ratings show as “Devastation.”
Filed under Poems