Tag Archives: Bad

Private Thoughts

If I were in the army

Instead of throwing grenades

I’d throw bottled beverages

Like juice and lemonades

And while our foes are hydrating

And their smiles reach their eyes

That’s when I’d throw my grenade.



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Somebody was like

“What if we wrote ‘SKJ’

“And pronounced it like ‘sh?'”

And another guy was like

“When Hell freezes over.”

And I was like

“Nor way man!”

Also hockey, socialism, and vikings.

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That’s Why My Nickname Is “Fish Lips”

My dad has the heart of a lion.

My mom has the heart of a gnu.

Sure, my dad has better taste

But they’re both banned for life from the zoo.

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Somewhere, 1.923% Of My Readers Just Pooped Themselves (The Other 98.077 Need To Reevaluate Their Fetishes)

Find a deck of shuffled playing cards.

Pick a random card and write it down.

Then think of the number of letters

In the name of your favorite town…

If you subtract the number you thought of

From how often you think of French maids

You’ll find that the card you have written

Is in fact the seven of spades.

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Autobiography, Chapter 1

Writing lousy poems

Is really not that hard.

It doesn’t take a lot of work

To be a blogging bard.

The only bit that’s difficult

Is deciding what to write,

Thus my meta-poetry

At 10 o’clock at night.

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When You’re Not Picky About Who You Befriend

My friend has 70 statues of legs.

I don’t know how he got ’em,

But I know if he ever spanks a statue

He’ll likely hit rock bottom.

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White Men, 2019

One day someone was looking

At a girl with diamond earrings

And thought “hey, those are pretty

“But why not use frisbees instead?”

Thus was the beginning

Of the now-frequent appearings

Of those with earlobes larger

Than the brains inside their heads.

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