If your child is a knock-knocker
And you are a who’s-there-er
Then you probably know by now
You’ve made a huge parenting error.
Tag Archives: Children
After The Birth
In a bloody mass of who-knows-what
A tiny terror meets the world
The doctor slaps it on the butt
Then gives it to you, warm and curled.
Ten years later it has grown fangs
A whirling aura of disease,
It looks so cute behind its bangs,
But that hair is full of lice and fleas.
It makes a noise that never stops,
A high pitched whine, a piercing cry.
Alas, it seems to call you “pops”
So you cannot wish that it will die.
Someday it will become a beast
That eats your food and drives your car.
All your boundaries will be pushed
Until it knows its gone too far.
And then it leaves, all big and grown
Perhaps to university.
You wonder how the time has flown
Until it moves back in with a degree.
After a while it gets a job,
You get gray hair and shrink a bit,
And then you die and people sob
And people bury you and shit.
Your lives are done, your beast is weaned,
You’ve given all the vital talks.
Now from the grave you proudly beam
And watch the dryer eat its socks.
Filed under Poems
Playtime’s Over
Tiny white flakes
Fall past my window
Onto the sidewalk,
Each one unique,
Their lives so short.
Those kids got what they deserved
For early morning bed-jumping
With the window open.
Filed under Poems
Kids These Days
Plodding, panting, galivanting
Amidst the grassy park.
I see a cat. I don’t like that
So I conjure up a bark.
The cat runs off. I’m satisfied
And so I pee and drool.
Then mommy puts the leash back on
And we drive off to school.
Filed under Poems
Childish Dreams
As a child I planted bacon
To grow a bacon tree.
The others said it wouldn’t work,
But I said “wait and see.”
Summers passed and kids gree up.
The soil, it stayed flat.
My friends got educations,
But I’d no time for that.
Some guys got jobs and girlfriends.
I stuck with my feat though,
‘Cause one of these days my dreams will come true
And I will see my meat grow.
Filed under Poems
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butterfly
I wanted to collect butterflies,
But mom and dad said no.
I said “I’ll collect margarin flies instead.”
I sure told them so!
So here I’m sitting with my net
Wondering “where did they all go?”
Filed under Poems
North Dakota
Snow meanders from the sky,
Frozen water from up high.
It makes the children feel alive,
Enrages those who have to drive.
The snow is one foot deep, then two.
Sleds come out, and ice skates too.
Men and angels made of snow
Play with the children from below.
And all alone one child cries
As he comes to realize
That Californian girls and boys
Don’t get to share these little joys.
Then he gets comfort from his Dad.
Guess North Dakota’s not that bad.
Filed under Poems
Then The Parents Awoke
As a kid, when I slept
And shut my eyes
After a long day of play
I did never surmise
That my play for the day
Would be my demise.
I remember the first
Of those nights of odd sort.
I slept on the floor, for
My sleep was cut short
When my bedding escaped
To the pillow fort.
I prepared to lay siege
To my fortified sheets.
I grabbed my nerf guns
And a few cans of beets.
I’ll have quite a mess
When my mission completes…
Filed under Poems
Fun-Size Anarchy
On this costumed Friday night
Prepare for that horrific sight
Of children walking down the street,
Threatening those who give no treat.
They’ve covered faces so you can’t see
Who are the ghouls you must ID,
And if they wear a “Frozen” dress
There are too many kids to guess.
So I placed upon my lawn
A maw to gape and a portal to yawn
To terrify all children who
Thought me a target of their coup.
I thought my safety was a sure thing.
Then the doorbell gave a ring.
‘Twas the Fantastic Four
Minus “the Thing.”
I thought to tell them “go away,”
But I knew TP would be my pay,
So I opened up my chocolate stash
And let the heroes loot my cache.
The sun had set, the clouds were gone
And the mob raged on and on.
Soon I’d no chocolate to give,
And I prayed that through the night I’d live.
Then eight soft footsteps reached my door
The doorbell rang, I knew for sure
My time had come, my fate was clear
As I opened the door for a herd of deer.
“Trick or Treat” the children shrieked,
As their loot bags bulged and noses leaked.
I handed out four boxes of floss,
And resigned myself to serenity’s loss.
What I didn’t know was just how fast
That heard of deer got the word passed
That the beige-house-guy on the grass knoll
Was some sort of a dentist… Mole.
And thus the mob departed fast,
And I had my peace at last.
I fall asleep and dreams appear
Of the toothbrushes I’ll give next year.
The Daily Travesty 