If I played a chess game
With some super-intelligent flies
I think I’d probably win
On account of superior size.
Tag Archives: Competition
Competitive
Jack said “I bet” I can hold
My breath longer than you.
We shook hands and I staked cash
Knowing it wasn’t true.
Then I inhaled and so did he
Our cheeks and chests puffed out
And we proceeded with not-breathing
With the hope of earning clout.
15 seconds later
We both were doing fine.
We both were getting tired
When we hit a minute nine.
The suffering really started
At a minute thirty-two
And when we hit two minutes
We both had turned quite blue.
Another 30 seconds
And another after that.
Even though my name is Dave I
Hallucinated I was Matt.
A minute then another
Then an hour, then a week…
Neither of us dared exhale.
Our lungs just wouldn’t leak.
And when the comet hit the Earth
And brought the end of days
Jack and I, two zombies,
Saw the error of our ways.
We held our breath for eons,
‘Til the East became the West.
In our undeath we’ll break the tie
By seeing who can piss the best.
Filed under Poems
See Spot Run
See spot run.
Spot runs fast
Because if Spot
Comes in last
Spot will lose
His family’s approval
Which will lead, in relation
To his house, his removal.
Spot enjoys
Not living on the street
So Spot runs fast.
Of foot, he is fleet.
Spot comes in second
Which Jane thinks is slick.
Alas, Spot’s owner
Is a Dick.
Filed under Poems
The Competition
Nothing is flatter
Than pancake batter
Under a school bus
At sixty below.
That’s what I thought
‘Til I read your poetry.
Now batter looks better,
And that’s how things go.
Filed under Poems
The Grander Slam
When my old buddy Steig
Joined the baseball league
I knew, although fatter,
I was the better batter.
So when he batted number one
And hit a home run
I didn’t give a damn,
And I hit a grand slam.
But Steig, I won’t lie,
He’s a competitive guy.
How can a guy like me save face
When Steig hit a grand slam with no runners on base?
The Daily Travesty 