I once went to a market
For groceries I would buy
When a most unpleasant sight
Fell upon my naive eye.
I can only picture
What occurred before I came
As if the homeless had played poker
And they all had lost the game,
For beside the sidewalk entrance
Underneath the neon sign
Were a hundred empty carts
Neatly tucked into a line.
Somewhere in the city
There are those who’ve lost there way
So I beg you, steal back their carts
For justice! (Please obey)
Filed under Poems
“Red umbrella on a bench
Next to homeless guy with stench.
Kinda wrinkly, slightly damp
Are both umbrella and the tramp.
They’ve been friends since ’98
When he bought it, as if by fate.
Together they’ve been through a lot.
They’ve weathered storms, bickered, and fought.
The hobo and umbrella pair
Possess a sense of laissez-faire.
It seems for them that things look up
As they count coins in their half-full cup.
Then they lynch a passerby;
Umbrella stabs him in the eye.”
This is why you should always look
Before you buy a children’s book!
Filed under Poems
Like a church without a steeple,
A Costco that’s not full of people,
A girl who doesn’t like a bunny
Or a kid who thinks fart jokes aren’t funny,
Like a bracelet without a clasp,
A crossword puzzle without the word “asp,”
Like warm fresh bread without the yeast
Or cannibals who never feast,
Like raindrops falling with the snow
Or a hallmark card by Edgar Alan Poe,
Like a duck that only sinks
Or someone driving behind you that thinks,
Like a straight man enjoying “Magic Mike,”
Someone else’s chihuahua that people like,
A University that welcomes drop-ins,
Or “Liam Neeson stars as Mary Poppins.”
These are things that don’t exist,
That can’t be seen and won’t be missed.
They are like what you’ll become
If you ask me for money, Mr. Bum.
Filed under Poems
I saw a homeless family.
In rags they all did dress.
They held a sign: “We appreciate
“Whatever you’ll spare. God Bless.”
I just happened to be
Driving home from the lab
And I had extra hydrochloric acid
Beside me in the cab.
I tossed them the beakers
Which catch they did not.
Oh the presumably joyful tears
To their eyes that I brought!
Some people would pass them
Without thinking twice
But today I was different.
Today I was nice.
Filed under Poems
If a homeless person
Asks you for some cash
And you give them some pennies
You are literally human trash.
To give someone a penny
When they’re sleeping outside on the ground
Is to say “You’re still broke, but at least
“I don’t have to carry this f*%^ing penny around.”
Filed under Poems
See spot run.
Spot runs fast
Because if Spot
Comes in last
Spot will lose
His family’s approval
Which will lead, in relation
To his house, his removal.
Spot enjoys
Not living on the street
So Spot runs fast.
Of foot, he is fleet.
Spot comes in second
Which Jane thinks is slick.
Alas, Spot’s owner
Is a Dick.
Filed under Poems
Few things are better
Than getting a letter
The good old fashioned way.
That envelope’s feel
Just fills me with zeal
And I start to dance and sway.
‘Tis a unique caper,
The feel of the paper
And ink beneath my fingers
And when the mail is gone,
My heart will go on.
My jollity forever lingers.
So when I opened your note
In which you wrote
That my electricity bill wasn’t paid
I did not understand,
For I felt very grand.
My life felt like I had it made!
Now reading my crap
From Kohl’s and the Gap
In the candlelight out on the street
I realize life,
Past the bills and the strife,
Can turn out pretty darn neat.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 