Tag Archives: Chess

Yes, I Was Playing White

I played a game of chess today

With a lass from West L.A.

I pinned her king and said “Checkmate,”

But West L.A demanded “Wait!”

She pointed out that I had doomed

A king whose gender I’d assumed

And what my small mind hadn’t seen

Was that I had trapped her second queen.

Having no method now to win

I concluded she had done me in.

Now the world can only guess:

Why don’t more lesbians play chess?

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Sometimes I Get Mated By A Horse… Hehe

The pawns do naught but marching,

And often do they fall

For little more than hoping

That they’ll become queen after all.

The knights and bishops frolick

In the middle of the war,

Killed quickly by the competent

Or else begin to snore.

The rooks are oh so deadly,

The queen more fatal still

For these are weapons useful

To those of any skill.

But in the end I’m happy

That kingliness fell to me.

For every win I get the credit

And if I lose I mate for free!

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Children’s Music

For those of you who do not know

I have a sparse financial pool,

And so to make some extra bucks

I teach chess at the local school.

Now, names are hard to memorize

So sometimes we play games

To have fun, but mostly to

Help master all the names.

One such game is but a song,

Wherein the person pitched

Is sung to in a pattern

In which some letters get switched:

“Jamie jamie bo bamie,

“Bannana-fanna fo famie,

Me, my, mo mamie,


Yes, it is a silly game

But it does its job.

The problem is that you don’t want

To make the children sob

So every single child

Gets their own letter-swapping chorus

To help us learn their names

Before they play chess and ignore us.

In the old days all the Jamies,

Davids, Duncans, Kyles, and Joes

Could sing this song as easily

As “Head, shoulders, knees and toes.”

But now all the La’shamquas,

Chimeras, Flexktons, and Ka’drames

Don’t work as well with this song

(And the Aidan/Caden/Jaydensall sound  the same).

Still the worst name ever

That I’ve applied this method too

Was a little boy named Tucker

Who didn’t want to go boo-hoo

So a class of twenty children

Sang “bannana-fanna fo…”

Then sang the next line to the principal

Who then told me I had to go.

So that’s why I am hustling

With my chess board in the park.

Sometimes you end up a hero.

Sometimes Tucker makes you a shark.

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Play To Your Outs

If I played a chess game

With some super-intelligent flies

I think I’d probably win

On account of superior size.

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The Kinda-Mostly-True Life of Bobby Fischer

I was a child prodigy,

A master at young age,

A Grandmaster at age seven,

A prepubescent sage.

Yet time passed by and I got old.

My skills increased as well,

Yet now that I’m a grown-up guy

I’ve lost the magic spell.

Instead of great, unique, and wise

I’m seen as “kinda lame,”

Forty years old, I’ve spent my life

Playing an old board game.

So what happened? What really changed?

Is greatness not enough?

When I was young my life was ease,

But now my life is tough?

It seems as if flying around,

Moving pawns on a board,

Winning trophies and title bouts

Is more impressive when you’re four?

Well then, screw that! I’m done with chess!

I’m moving far away

To be a scary racist hermit

And with myself I’ll play!

But now they call me back to play

A world championship game.

The cold war hinges on my success;

Such is the price of fame.

But afterwards I’m gone again

And that’s just fine with me.

My only hope’s that they will make

A movie about searching for me.

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Chess: The Other Perspective

I like carmel. I like salt.

I like things that aren’t my fault.

I like chickens, ducks, and geese.

Star Wars rules. So does John Cleese.

I like monkeys, apes and such.

I like girls a bit too much.

What I don’t like is being made of wood

And shaped into a pawn. That just ain’t good.

I live a life of constant war.

In the middle I die, but the sides are a bore.

I don’t have films or birds or caramel

And, surrounded by pieces, I feel abnarmel

And that’s not all! In my whole world

There only is a single girl

Who’s married to my weak-ass boss

Who me into the fray does toss.

We are the lonely pawns, the guards,

And we hope one day you’ll decide to play cards.


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The Last Word Means “Isn’t It” In Sekigaharan-Era Japanese… Or Something

I’m a bit of a shut-in,

A nerd I confess.

(A semi-pro poet?

Now who’d ever guess?)

But today I got social.

(Is he out of his mind?)

I got out of the house

Leaving nerddom behind.

At 8:00 AM sharp

I watched children play chess

Then I drove to Canada

To play Pokemon (yes).

Then I played a game

Of Sekigahara

Which is about Japanese folks

Whose names rhyme with Ishikara.

I ended it all

By taking a friend

To an improv show based on

The D&D trend.

I got home at 11:00

And 51 minutes.

It’s good to know I’m

A nerd no longer, innit?

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Chess as a Model of Social Justice, or Why I’m a Stay-at-home Pawn

Some are born as Queens or Kings.

Some are born as other things.

But be you bishop, rook, or knight,

At least you’re not a pawn. Am I right?

And if, unluckily, you are a pawn

You’d best just keep on keeping on.

You’ll reach a spot where life treats you fair.

(Or, more likely, you’ll get murdered on your way there).

And if you reach that special place,

A queen or rook you may replace,

Where you are but some king’s conquest

Or else called “castle,” despite your protest.

Or perhaps you’re promoted to a knight

And never again can you move quite right.

You could be a bishop, those stoic blokes

And victims of off-color  jokes.

Only one can be the king,

The chosen one, or another such thing.

So if you’re a pawn, your best bet

Is to stay still in the corner with no regret.

The happiest piece, the jolliest lord

Of the 64-square light and dark colored board

Is the piece that stays safe at home.

That’s why I no longer roam.

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They set up the board
In four neat lines.
The kings they ward
Through strength of minds.

White moves his pawn,
Then black does too.
The game rolls on.
The kings stand true.

First blood is drawn
By a charging knight.
The queen takes pawn,
And bishops fight.

The rook takes knight
Then pawn kills pawn.
Black fights white.
The kings carry on.

After an hour
And a twist of fate,
The queen shows her power
And that’s checkmate.

The players stand.
The battle is done,
And both are winners,
For both had fun.

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