Think now of the vegans
And all of their ilk
Who don’t consume dairy
Like ice cream or milk
But feel no guilt
Drinking milk of the oat
Or the almond or cashew
Or soy. They emote:
“We’re saving the animals”
While the little nut babies
Must drink formula
That may just give them rabies.
So when the nuts come
And they kick down your door
And they eat your begonias
And poop on your floor
Go thank a vegan,
Those shortsighted folks
Who steal milk from young produce
And also hate jokes.
Filed under Poems
I poured myself a glass of milk,
White as clouds and soft as silk,
Then put powdered milk in the cup
And took a spoon and stirred it up,
Then I poured condensed milk in
And, with the spoon, gave it a spin.
It was at this point, to my dismay,
My buxom girlfriend ran away.
Filed under Poems
Today I saw one per cent milk
And so I gave my mom a holler.
Turns it it’s just crappy milk,
Not 100 milks for a dollar.
Filed under Poems
I am a human
Who lives in a place
Where food can be purchased to eat.
Some take that for granted,
Some think it’s a nuisance,
And I think it’s pretty darn neat.
But sometimes I wonder
About fellow shoppers
Who bought before I came along.
I used to think fondly
Of my fellow humans*
But now I have proof I was wrong.
*This is a lie, but the photo is real
Udders and spots and bells and poo:
These are the things that remind me of you.
And whenever I miss your voice or your smile
I drink some milk and remember a while.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 