I jumped out from behind a door
To startle a friend. They screamed
And said I scared them half to death.
My evil eye then gleamed
And I leapt out another time
To scare the other half away
But turns out they’re just 3/4 dead
And otherwise okay…
Tag Archives: Math
Modern Mathematical Concepts
We used to joke about word problems
Like “If Joe has 16 melons
“And he puts them in a room with radius pi
“What demographic becomes felons?”
Now we have word problems
Like “You have a one-dollar bill.
“How many dollars do you have
“If you do nothing and stand still?”
Despite the simplification
Of out mathematical riddles
We have fewer correct answers
And more restless thumb twiddles.
(In case you’re feeling curious
The answers are “transeuntes”
And, thanks to hyperinflation,
Somewhere around sixty-eight cents)
Filed under Poems
Computer Science vs. Math
So somebody invented a flat piece of metal
And pumped some lightning inside it
And it makes ones and zeros look like fantasy heroes
And we have no idea who supplied it.
Yet if there’s a method for solving equations
About how many red beans in a jar
Can be expressed fractally, we will know exactly
Who the nerds who invented it are.
Filed under Poems
How To Become Student Body President In 2024
The homework problem said:
“What is the natural log of 4?”
I said “I was raised a middle-class kid, and I’m the only person on the debate stage tonight who has a plan to lift up the middle class and working people of America.”
Apparently, I got a perfect score.
Filed under Poems
The Guy From The Word Problem Speaks
My fellow students always asked
“What will we use math for?”
They never matched my mental strength
Or got close to my score.
They all liked their PE classes
And said math was uncool.
Now I sell x^2*e watermelons a year
And I’m happy I studied at school.
Filed under Poems
What Was His Angle?
There once was a man born in Samos
Whose math teacher told him to vamoose.
He said “Bitch, I’m Pythagoras!”
Then proceeded to stagger us
With the theorem to measure a hypotenuse.
Filed under Poems
Unhelpful Knowledge 101
Anyone who complains about math
Because they’ll never use it in real life
Has never memorized the periodic table
Or heard about saying “No” to your wife.
Filed under Poems
Relationship Goals
Y=X*0
Is a great mathematical hero
Because it refrains from doing crime
Despite running into its X literally all the time.
Filed under Poems
Your Math Teacher Warned You…
There once was a magical hero
Who divided the whole world by zero.
Trof huaknr jshfl ej
Helfpbe nfhoshe nej
Htppbej jfhw jfjr yeega beero.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 