We’ve all seen movies
That we adore.
We’ll watch them ten times,
Then ten more!
Sure, you know it
Line for line
But that’s not boring!
That’s just fine!
These films are family,
Allies, friends.
We love their journeys
Despite familiar ends.
To love such things
Need not be wrong,
But alas, my favorites
Are 12 hours long…
Filed under Poems
I wanted to go
To the movies with you.
You couldn’t go
But that wouldn’t do
So I dressed like one person
Pretending to be two.
It was pretty fun.
The guy at the window
Sold me two passes
Despite recognizing
I wasn’t two lasses.
The tickets saw through my ploy
Like X-ray glasses:
Both of them said “Admit One.”
Life is like a box of chocolates:
It costs money and makes you fat.
Most people enjoy it as it kills them slowly.
Yeah, life’s a lot like that.
But it doesn’t have to be:
We can smile and and act as equals
Starting with something on which we all agree,
Specifically that most movies don’t need sequels.
Filed under Poems
I’ve got a machine gun
With infinite bullets.
I can outrun
An explosion with ease.
I can seduce any
Man, woman, or dolphin,
But whenever I’m hiding
I always must sneeze…
I wear only the finest
Imported silk clothing.
I drink only the choicest
Fermented delights.
I’m the greatest agent
There ever has been,
Yet somehow I always
Get stuck working nights…
Filed under Poems
Poems have existed
Since the dawn of history,
Yet they aren’t turned into movies.
Why not? That’s a mystery.
I have an idea
If you’re a Hollywood guy.
Make a poem into a movie,
Remove the clothes, and add CGI.
I resolve in 2016
To become a manly man,
To give compliments to strangers
And save money when I can.
But what I haven’t told you
Is I lure strangers to my house
And spend their money instead of mine,
And, oh yeah! I’m a mouse.
Filed under Poems
Thirty years after the events
Of the movie “Home Alone,”
The little kid who starred in it
Must now pick up the phone
And call the bank to bend and scrape
For money to be loaned.
The mortgage guy approves the app,
A trap for our hero.
And so the boy becomes a man
With a house, all on his own.
The title of the sequel is
Of course, “Home: A Loan.”
Filed under Poems
It started and ended with a clock.
The middle was cliches
And plenty of explosions and CGI
And other brash displays.
And in the end some villains died
And some good guys too.
That is my summary of
The Amazing Spider Man 2.
Filed under Poems
It was high noon on the eighth of June
And the town was hushed as mice.
Two cowpokes faced off outside the saloon,
Their gazes cold as ice.
A coyote howled on some distant hill,
But the fighters stances held.
And they stood, and stood, and stood stock still,
Or so I have been telled.
Then, lightning fast, Bill Hoover the Blue
Drew his silver gun.
Snakebite Stanley whipped his out too,
And they shot under the scorching sun.
No blood was spilled that fateful day,
Though the duo fired twelve rounds.
Two dogs took the bullets, they leapt in the way
And it died, two peace-loving hounds.
That fight was intense, under the suns scorching rays
But it was never made into a film, ’cause, well,
You can kill pretty much anything in movies these days
But kill a dog, and you’re going to Hell.
Filed under Poems
You go out to the movies
To watch a giant screen,
Hoping to be entertained
By J-Lo or Charlie Sheen.
But what’s hot at the movies
Are Superheroes. I must say
That I believe in real life.
We’re all heroes in our way.
According to the latest films
Batman was a wealthy man
Who was horribly afraid of bats.
By that logic, I’m Spiderman.
Superman came from the sky
And had a funny name (Kal-El).
So pilots named Shaniqua
Are super instead of lame (Well, well).
And when I started this poem
It seemed easier than it is.
So I’m leaving, to fix my wrinkly shirt,
‘Cause at the iron, man, I’m a whizz!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 