Tag Archives: Problems

This Problem Doesn’t Happen For Board Game Dates

I asked her out to eat with me

At Chez Insertnamehere.

It was a place with candlelight

And very expensive beer.

After our romantic dinner

Conversation hit a lull.

She said “Let’s have dinner again,”

But, alas, I was already full.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The Solvers and The Havers

Most men enjoy solving problems;

It gives them a meaningful life.

Alas, this is not something wanted

By most men’s eventual wife.

A man will fix up an auto,

A house, a business, a toy,

But it’s not solving problems but having them

That I’ve noticed most women enjoy.

A woman takes pleasure in saying

“I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m gross,”

Because other women say “me too”

And by such connection grow close.

If a man tells another “I’m hungry”

Another will say “have a snack”

And the problem is solved with five words

And the men to their task may go back.

Now the trouble occurs when the solvers

Treat problem-lovers the same:

A woman says “I’m bored,” and the man

Says “go play a video game.”

Now if the woman obeys him

She’ll prob’ly no longer be bored

And thus need another discomfort

Until her drama-quota’s restored,

So the man has given a solution

Which really won’t help her a bit

So she says “you don’t understand me!”

And runs off and calls him a git.

The man is confused by her answer

But has a solution to that:

He says to himself “bitch be crazy”

And then changes the sink in his flat.

So men, if you want to help women

Be happy then here’s what to do:

Have lots of flaws in your character

So she’ll always have drama with you.

And women, you know how to please a man

And don’t need advising from me,

But (as a man I must say this)

Without drama how happy you’ll be!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Yes, And: Suicide Prevention

I said to my therapist

“I want to end it all,

To solve all of my problems

With a gun and/or a fall.”

My therapist nodded grimly,

Stared up at the ceiling fan,

And said “well, you’ve convinced me.

Thanks a million, man!”

In the end, I didn’t kill myself,

As nice as that would be

‘Cause when I die another problem

Will be waiting there for me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Horse Shoes

Clip-clop, clip-clop.

The horse passes by.

Clip-clop, clip-clop.

It has no shoes, but why?

Flip-flop, flip-flop.

Problem solved.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Spy Problems

I’ve got a machine gun

With infinite bullets.

I can outrun

An explosion with ease.

I can seduce any

Man, woman, or dolphin,

But whenever I’m hiding

I always must sneeze…

I wear only the finest

Imported silk clothing.

I drink only the choicest

Fermented delights.

I’m the greatest agent

There ever has been,

Yet somehow I always

Get stuck working nights…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Where No Man Has Ever Gone Before

If you’re anything like me
And you really need to pee

And you can’t hold it anymore

The solution isn’t hard.

Give the guy at the next urinal your card.

You won’t pee until 2024.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems