Tag Archives: Lord of the Rings

The Elf In Boots Of Azure Suede

For Halloween I dressed like Legolas

From the franchise about the ring,

But as I walked about the town

People kept asking me to sing.

At first I didn’t understand

This request, but I caught on later…

People figured I could sing

Since I’m an Elvish Impersonator.

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It Would Be Called “231,” Since Women Only Get 77 Soldiers On The Hundred

It’s an age of all-female remakes

Like Ghost Busters and Oceans 8.

My faithful readers probably think

This is a trend I’d hate.

Instead I think the opposite;

It’s something I’m totally for

And here are some beloved movies

To remake if they make more:

How about “The Godmother?”

“Lady of the Rings?”

“The Good, the Less Good, and the Strong Independent Woman

“Concerned Less With Appearance Than Other Things?”

How ’bout all-female “Fight Club”

Or “Saving Private Ryan?”

How about a “Hacksaw Ridge”

That no one has to die in?

I jest, I jest (At least I hope).

But I pray that in 2019

The all-female “300” reboot

Hits the Imax screen.

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The Lord Of The Rings

A while ago

There was a guy

Who dreamed of being

A fiery eye.

We don’t know why

He felt the need,

But we know that

He did succeed.

The problem with

Old fire-eye’s plot

Is that what he wanted

Others did not,

And so he hid

His power away

So after his death

He’d still be okay.

He put that power

In a magical ring

That got stolen by

A greedy king,

And that repeated

Several times

Through fire and snow

And temperate climes.

Then one day

Some fishing midgets

Found that ring

And asked “what ij it?”

One said “mine!”

The other said “no!”

And so the midgets

Came to blows.

The winning midget

Became a beast

Who hid in a cave

Eating Fancy Feast

Until more midgets

Came along,

Stole the ring,

And sang a song.

A few years later

There was peace

And the ring’s new owner’s

Male niece

Got the ring

As a birthday gift,

Met some elves,

And got a lift

To Rivendell

Where it was decided

Fire-eye’s ego

Had the land divided

And that the only

Thing to do

Was to break the ring

Of you-know-who.

The elves said that

The ring must be laid

In the Mordorian lava

In which it was made.

The dwarf said

“That’s a lot of work,”

Hit the ring with his axe

And looked like a jerk.

So midgets and co.

Went on a quest,

They got betrayed

And left the rest,

Wandered alone

To the volcano of doom

Where the trolls and orcs

Drummed “boom, boom, boom.”

While they did

The men, dwarves, and elves

Fought three hours of orc wars

All by themselves,

Had a romantic subplot

With the long-lost human heir

And the elven princess

With the CGI hair.

By now midgets passed fire-eye’s

Most fiery gazes

Then the ring-bearing midget

Had just one of his dazes,

Turned to his friend,

Said “No Sam! The ring’s mine,”

Then dumbass lost his finger

And it all turned out fine.

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Three Films For The Dork Lords On Their Basement Thrones (LotR)

We’ve all seen movies

That we adore.

We’ll watch them ten times,

Then ten more!

Sure, you know it

Line for line

But that’s not boring!

That’s just fine!

These films are family,

Allies, friends.

We love their journeys

Despite familiar ends.

To love such things

Need not be wrong,

But alas, my favorites

Are 12 hours long…

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Then After a Twist Of Fate No One Could See Coming…

If your story’s just beginning

But your ideas have run out

There’s no need for disappointment 

So you can quit your silly pout.

All the greatest stories

Lose their steam before the end

And that’s why we continue

The “something lucky happened” trend.

It’s why stormtroopers can’t hit a barn

And main characters don’t get shivved.

Executions are delayed for a monologue

And Harry’s the boy who lived.

It’s why Ringwraith’s can sense the ring

From half a world away

But not when hobbits hold it

With a tree stump in the way.

Heroes outrun explosions

While the villain merely dies.

The white hats still draw faster

Despite the sunlight in their eyes.

So if you want a writing tip

I’ll give you one to keep:

As long as sh*t works out in the end

The fans will lose no sleep.

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Aragorn’s Vacation

The sun shines down,

Hot as myself.

I lie on a beach

With a dwarf and an elf.

My shining armor

Makes Gondor girls swoon.

It’s been a long, happy day

And it’s only noon.

Somewhere near Mordor

They’re killing the ring

And I’m just here like,

“I should be king.”

Sometimes I think

I should go help them out,

But Gollum’s got that covered,

Without a doubt.

So I sip margaritas

And smile a bit wider.

Someone calls me “sir.”

I say “please, call me Strider.”

But as the days pass

I grow somewhat bored.

When will they be finished

Reforging my sword?

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Fandoms

Frodo was a wizard

In a blue police box.

He keeps watch over Gotham

And wears “Game of Thrones” socks.

His nemesis was Gary Oak.

He aimed to misbehave.

If you understand this poem

Give a fellow fan a wave.

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