I see little boys and girls
With very unique names
Like Cadence, Weston, Apple, Peityn,
Lembas, Crêpe, and Flames.
Now if your name is “Flames” you’re fine,
But “Crookshanks…” not so much.
So here are some modern names
I think are better much:
Verity, Sanity, Clamperl, Spore,
Visigoth, Boromir, Wikstrom, Implore,
Magnitude, Honeydunce, Kraftool, Parade.
Name your kid one of these and they’ll have it made!
Filed under Poems
If your child is a knock-knocker
And you are a who’s-there-er
Then you probably know by now
You’ve made a huge parenting error.
Filed under Poems
In a bloody mass of who-knows-what
A tiny terror meets the world
The doctor slaps it on the butt
Then gives it to you, warm and curled.
Ten years later it has grown fangs
A whirling aura of disease,
It looks so cute behind its bangs,
But that hair is full of lice and fleas.
It makes a noise that never stops,
A high pitched whine, a piercing cry.
Alas, it seems to call you “pops”
So you cannot wish that it will die.
Someday it will become a beast
That eats your food and drives your car.
All your boundaries will be pushed
Until it knows its gone too far.
And then it leaves, all big and grown
Perhaps to university.
You wonder how the time has flown
Until it moves back in with a degree.
After a while it gets a job,
You get gray hair and shrink a bit,
And then you die and people sob
And people bury you and shit.
Your lives are done, your beast is weaned,
You’ve given all the vital talks.
Now from the grave you proudly beam
And watch the dryer eat its socks.
Filed under Poems
I cried all night,
I cried all day,
But still these parents
Won’t go away.
Filed under Poems
Fruit and soup
Adorn the floor.
Guess baby’s not hungry
Anymore.
The most important thing you do
As I parent I expect
Is naming your child in a good way,
So they will live a life that’s correct.
If your last name is “Handbasket,” don’t name your kid “Helena.”
If your last name is “Cummins,” don’t name your kid “Dick.”
If your last name is “Cox,” don’t name your kid “Maya.”
If your last name is “Shaw,” don’t name your kid “Rick.”
If you do these things, your child will be fine
As long as when your pregnant you don’t drink too much wine.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 