Were I to write this poem
Like an academic paper
I would start by saying what I want to say.
I would then go into the body
Of the work in which I write
What I’ve said, but in many different ways.
It goes on like this for a while,
Me saying what I’ve said
And comparing to what others said before.
Then I’d conclude this poem
By summing what I said I’d say,
And that’s why academia’s such a bore.
Filed under Poems
I think North America
Should no longer be a continent,
And should stop speaking English
Since it causes so much discontent.
We no longer bother to say “OK,”
Settling for just the second letter,
And just add “man” to any phrase
And man, that phrase gets better.
So my argument is this-
We should take this great dry land
And join back up with England, man,
As another Cayman Island.
Filed under Poems
What’s all this talk about pickle bread?
Why’s it so hush hush? Do you know?
And why’s it predominately women
Who enjoy this fancy new dill dough?
Oh.
Filed under Poems
Remember that time
That there was that thing
That did all the stuff
And then it went ding?
Well I think it came back,
Though for sure I don’t know,
But if it wasn’t that vague thing
Then where’d my mind go?
You think of the pinstripes,
The mitts, cleats and bats.
You think of the jerseys
And the old baseball hats.
But did you ever think
About the life of the ball?
Smacked around all day long,
Built to fly, made to fall.
Schwunk! Went the bat
And up the ball flew,
Two hundred feet up
Into the beautiful blue.
But this time the ball
Had had enough of this life,
So he stayed up in the air
For the rest of his life.
He flew off to Cuba
And made it his home.
Now that, girls and boys,
Is why we play under a dome.
Filed under Poems
They said I was a troglodyte,
A crass and vulgar man
Because I sold kids candy
From the back seat of my van.
I know, it looks kind of creepy,
But what’s a man to do
When his candy store burned down
And he’s got holes in his shoes?
So if you wonder why I’m barefoot
Riding this skateboard down the road
With a bag of chocolate insects
Knocking on the door of your abode,
That’s why. Now I beseech you
To buy some chocolate covered ants.
I take cash, credit, or check,
Or I’d accept your extra pants.
Filed under Poems
Two months before Julius Caesar fell
Another death occurred.
The victim was Humberto Caesar,
The emperor’s pet bird.
Well Humberto was as loyal as
A domesticated bird could be,
But power comes along with a price:
Humberto had enemies.
Most prominent was Clint,
Brutus’s pet cat.
‘Twas a miserable furball of betrayal,
But every cat’s like that.
Well I don’t need to tell you
How Humberto was killed by Clint,
But being the Ides of January
Julius should have gotten the hint.
Give pause for a moment,
Stop your mind,
And take a moment to rewind.
Remember all the menu dated,
And that play you really hated.
Enter your own quiet place,
With volume down and quiet bass.
Make a resolution
To replay your past,
‘Cause this life goes forward fast.
Filed under Poems
I manage some apartments
And I like to play some cards,
But this week I became batman.
It wasn’t all that hard.
I started by evicting the tenant
In apartment twenty two, man.
She moved away with her twenty cats.
I’d kicked out the Cat Woman.
That very night some friends of mine
Came over to play some poker.
We had a deck of fifty three cards,
So I took out the joker.
What villain will I conquer next
At my apartment in central Maine?
We’ll see, but first I’ll shop a bit
Online at, yes… E-bayne.
Filed under Poems
No matter how lonely you are
Never move in with a grizzly bear.
It will most assuredly wreck your car
And your shower will be full of hair.
A smart alternative to that
Is to invite small things to your home.
Ever considered getting a cat?
How about a ceramic gnome?
And one thing everyone should get
According to my own surmisements
Is access to poems on the internet.
How’s that for shameless advertisements?
Filed under Poems
