An evil tree from outer space
Wanted to kill the human race.
It grew up in the middle of town,
‘Til old man Wiggins cut it down.
And for the townsfolk life went on,
Unknowing that a threat had gone.
This true story goes to show
It’s what you do, not what you know.
Filed under Poems
All day in the stables
Fighting straw dummies,
Shining our armor,
And tending our steeds
Preparing to rescue
Some distressing damsel
Who hasn’t a care
That we also have needs.
We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
To work for the purpose
Of rescuing you,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?
We put on brave faces
And ride o’er the kingdom
To locate princesses
Who’ll soon be our wives.
Thus is our duty,
Our privilege as princes,
And the entire purpose
Of our royal lives.
We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
Thinking of ways
To be noble and true,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?
Out broad shoulders need to be cried on.
Our arms need somebody to hold.
We need your assurance that love will be ours
When we’re fat, wrinkled, pervy, and old.
And so we will ride o’er the kingdom
With our perfectly coiffed princely do,
With the hope that we’ll save
The darlings we crave
Who know princes need rescuing too.
Count your eggs before they hatch
‘Cause then you’re set to know
How long your farm can hold its own
If you need an egg to throw.
Filed under Poems
Someday we’ll have peace on Earth.
Someday lemons will be sweet.
Someday men might just give birth
And there’ll be no character limit to what you can tweet.
Someday congress will banter politely
Instead of picking a bone.
Someday you’ll get eight hours of sleep nightly,
And a girl will go to the bathroom alone.
Someday governments won’t be so crappy,
And perhaps they will fix all the roads.
Someday the world will embrace and be happy,
Eight minutes before the sun explodes.
Filed under Poems
Words that end in “arrhea”
Good content do not make,
So I won’t discuss them he-ah
For you, the reader’s, sake.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
In the future:
We’ll have hover cars that drive themselves
And women’s liberations
And continued economic growth
Among the Asian nations.
In the future, traffic accidents
Will have fewer survivors,
For the hover cars will be programmed
By Asian women drivers.
Filed under Poems
Hamburger, hamburger,
Object of desire.
Cheese, mayo, and pickles
Cooked on electric fire.
Under fluorescent glow
I bite the whole-wheat shell.
My heavy heart grows lighter,
And my pocketbook as well.
Filed under Poems
Somewhere in Denmark
Resides a cave
Where those thought to be dead
Live out their lives,
Where Elvis and dinosaurs
Frolic and play
With Erik the Red
And all of his wives.
But most of the caves
Is filled with Red Shirts
And half of the cast
Of “Game of Thrones,”
Along with unknown soldiers,
Shakespearean folk,
And all of the Jedi
Killed by the clones.
The cave’s getting crowded,
So Danes be aware
Of the incoming march
Of the shower-drain hair.
Filed under Poems
Did you hear the tale
Of the bulldog named Krupp?
If you have, crazy huh?
If not, look it up.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 