Nevertheless
Always the more
Seldom the -ible
But often the horr-
Too much conniption
For such a poor fit
This new lack of him/her
Well, I’m tired of it
Tag Archives: Rant
To Those Of The Feminist Persuasion, We Salute You Whether Or Not You Think It’s Necessary (Or Even Admirable For That Matter) Because We Have Fragile Egos Or A Sense Of Courtesy Or Perpetual Boners Or Something
Chivalry is the idea
That men are born to places
Where they should sacrifice their pleasure
For the sake of pretty faces.
Feminism is the idea
That men are born as assholes
And should sacrifice their pleasure
‘Cause women deserve castles.
The masculine perspective
Is one of courtesy, not necessity.
The feminine perspective
Is “don’t be nice, yet show respect for me.”
So after certain days of chivalry,
Whether or not there was a need for it,
I question the fundamental premise
That a woman cannot indeed be hit.
Now I’m not a violent person;
I’d never hit someone, regardless of adjective,
But a fruit rollup to the face or something
Could do wonders to change a perspective?
So to sum up, chivalry’s alive
Just like the naked mole rat,
Yet some people will prefer “equality”
Just like, for a pet, they’d like a housecat.
Filed under Poems
Forrest Gump 2: Lost In New York
Life is like a box of chocolates:
It costs money and makes you fat.
Most people enjoy it as it kills them slowly.
Yeah, life’s a lot like that.
But it doesn’t have to be:
We can smile and and act as equals
Starting with something on which we all agree,
Specifically that most movies don’t need sequels.
Filed under Poems
Oatmeal
Instant food is great
Most bachelors would agree,
But that just seems a little too
American to me.
Now, I get that potatoes
Take a lot of time to cook.
Sometimes home cooked macaroni
Doesn’t have that chemical look.
Maybe you’re to tired
To take a cup of oats
And throw in some sugar and xanthan gum
And whatever else that floats.
So you buy a bag of chemicals
With natural oat flavor
And nuke it for 60 seconds
And for another 60, you savor.
To top it off, this overpriced
Tax on those who cannot cook
Has an old, white guy or store brand
To complete its flashy look.
Thus ends my rant on oatmeal
And the injustice derived therefrom.
Tomorrow, tune in again
For my rant on chewing gum!
Filed under Poems
Tickle Culture
You’re a bad human being,
Not because of what you do,
But because you have fingers.
I’ll prove it to you.
But first a few facts
From an uncited source:
Sixty percent of ticklish marriages
End in divorce.
If that’s not enough,
Let the record show
Ninety-nine percent of victims
Are tickled by someone they know.
Just because you don’t tickle
Doesn’t wash you of guilt.
Look around? Don’t you see
The tickle culture you’ve built.
But after writing this
Everything stays the same.
All I’m seeking to do
Is impose fear and shame.
If I succeeded,
I am one happy elf.
If I didn’t, you’re evil.
Go tickle yourself.
Filed under Poems
To The Advocates, From The Rest Of Us
Hush little humans
On your little web.
I’ve heard what you have to say.
I get all your points
About women’s equality
And equal marriage for the gay.
I get that you love
Your body and stuff.
I don’t mind pictures of your meal.
Just don’t be expectant
That your Upworthy link
Is enough to make me squeal.
I’m all for justice,
I’m all for change,
And I’ll give all your causes a look.
I just wish for a day
Your beliefs went away
And I could be bourgeois on Facebook.
Filed under Poems
I’m Not Fine
How are you?
What’s up? What’s new?
We ask these all the time.
But though we answer,
Whether we got a raise or cancer ,
With just the words “I’m fine.”
“I’m fine” is a lie
Perpetuated by
Unwillingness to share your feelings.
It’s a cop out at best
To a ritual test
And it should be shunned from further dealings.
Instead of “I’m fine,”
Try out a line
Like “Fabulous, splendid, or grand.”
If your status is bad,
Like those days we’ve all had
Try “Indifferent, unhappy, or bland.”
There are so many descriptors
With so few prescriptors.
(I don’t know if prescriptor’s a word).
So if honesty’s sought,
Give this a shot.
If you don’t, please know I have grr-ed.
Filed under Poems
Bowling Shoes
“I’ve got a grand idea,”
Some terrible person said,
“Of how to extort bowlers
For an extra $2.50 a head.
“We’ll make them rent this tacky shoes
All red and green and orange
And just don’t mention anywhere
How many times they have been wornge.”
Well, that’s my rant in bowling shoes
Repeated here in whole.
The guy who thought up bowling shoes
Must not have had a sole.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 