I’m inspired by that hand dryer
That’s supposed to blow the air
So the water that was on your hands
Is, well, no longer there
But it one day just decided
“I don’t like this anymore,
“So let them press my button
“And then remember what pants are for.”
Filed under Poems
I wonder if goats
Ever look at ghosts
And think
“If not for bad spelling
“That could have been us…”
Filed under Poems
I think the worst injustice
That we tolerate these days
Is how we abuse the roads
In a variety of ways.
We hit the road so often,
Pound the pavement, and it’s clear
That the roads get walked all over
And quitting time is near.
We’d never stab our children,
But we stick forks in the road
Then expect it to hold on
While it carries our giant load.
It’s time to give the streets a break…
Oops! I mean let them rest!
Anyway, quit using roads
Because that’s for the best.
Filed under Poems
All that is gold does not glitter;
All that is green does not grow;
But all that is orange and all that is silver
Will not have an easy rhyme though.
Filed under Poems
Spring chicken, tell me what you see
Beyond the veil of this unyielding world?
It is a strange thing, to be sure,
And I’m not sure I understand it
In my mind or heart
But still I trust, for I asked and you answered
“Puckaaaawwwwww!”
I shall strive to live by those words.
Filed under Poems
The sky had a sun that was adorning
The sky at five a.m. in the morning.
It was bright and obnoxious
And for some reason I thought this:
“Go down now… this is your last warning.”
Filed under Poems
An eon ago, when the earth was young
And all the people spoke one tongue
The brain had a chamber that now just slumbers
That it used for remembering friends’ phone numbers.
Legend says when it awakes
And says, “Well gosh, for goodness sakes,
“That was a spiffy power nap”
Humanity will turn to crap.
Filed under Poems
There once was a clock on a wrist
That one day became rather pissed.
It said “Time isn’t real,
“So how does that feel?”
Now it is for sale on Craigslist.
Filed under Poems
You’ve heard of Brontosaurus,
You’ve heard Triceratops,
Tyrannosaurus Rex of course,
And even the Cyclops,
But there’s one ancient animal
That didn’t live for long…
And that mystery dinosaur
Is the subject of this song:
I sing of Tacosaurus,
The terror of the south,
With a crispy shell of golden corn
And veggies in its mouth!
It roamed across the world until
Plant and meat eaters both
Decided they were tasty.
“Nom nom,” did others quoth.
So died the Tacosaurus,
But paleontologists think it’s swell
That such a mighty dinosaur
Was saved by the Taco Bell.
Filed under Poems
They used to be marooned
On an island, all alone,
Without food or water
Or even a smartphone.
Now 16 survivors
Have to stay at a 2-star hotel
With only basic cable and
Non-organic hair gel.
In the old days, the survivors
Would compete in feats of strength,
Rewarded for success by an
Increase in isolation’s length.
Now they have to listen
As someone reads offensive tweets
And try as hard as possible
To not cry from their seats.
I guess the type of people
Who can live outside the city
Don’t sign up for TV shows
And I think that’s a pity.
Now excuse me as I watch
Carsten, Miracle, and Regan
Compete for who goes longest
Without saying “I’m a vegan.“
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 