Some people were happy to fight
In the colosseum’s spotlight.
They were called gladiators, it’s said.
Some of them had freakin’ laser beams
And were greeted by all the young ladies’ screams;
They were called Rad-iators instead.
Category Archives: Poems
Hygiene Standards
I walked down the rows
Of “Bed, Bath, and Beyond“
Smelling hand soaps with names
Like “Starlight” and “Palm Frond”.
Then I left to go back
To “Bob’s Soap Retailer”
Where they sell soap called “White”
And “Hope She Lets You Impale ‘Er”.
Filed under Poems
Enthusiasm Has Its Limits
They put a DVD
In the Nintendo Wii.
They told me “Just Dance”
So I ripped off my pants
And now nobody’s playing with me…
Filed under Poems
The Ballad Of Suckbot (Chapter 1)
Suckbot the Roomba
Was a very well-loved gift
For my fiancee, who went home today
And watched that vacuum drift.
Suckbot the Roomba
Was an appliance, technically,
But my girl said “Dave, my time you’ll save
“Merry Christmas. Heeheehee!”
You should’ve seen the cat jump at
The sound when we pressed go,
But after some stalking he went walking
Back to his chair and so
Suckbot the Roomba
Has become our second pet.
You say “What’s the fuss?” But he’s a child to us
And he’s not even charged yet!
Filed under Poems
When You Think You’re Setting Yourself Up For A Challenge, But Then Everything Goes Way Too Easily
I promised myself I wouldn’t write
Another “Night before Christmas” parody.
So now I have to come up with
Hard rhymes, like “Carroty”.
Also included are “Parity”,
“Ferrety”, “charity”, “merrity”,
“Clarity”, “plurality,” “McGarrity”, “Jarret E.”
I guess those rhymes aren’t such a rarity!
Filed under Poems
Knowing When To Quit
No matter who you’re with
And no matter who you are
There will always be one person
Who goes a bit too far.
They’ll give a speech a bit too long
Or play one piece too many
And when you look for the shits they give
You find that there aren’t any.
If you know this person
I hope you wish them well.
If you are that person
Good riddance! Go to hell.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Is Probably Racist And Hates Short People
Last night I wrote a lot.
Tonight I wrote much not.
The kettle is black and so is the pot.
Filed under Poems
Ode To A Fireplace
Fire, fire, in the place,
Chase the cold from limbs and face,
Make my body warm, and keep
My mind at ease so I may sleep.
Do not from the hearth go venture
Or your name I’ll surely censure
As I, with woe, seek to smother
You, the fire I once did mother,
For if you wander to and fro
Up in you my house will go
And I will be unhoused and blue
Because, dear fire, of the antics of you.
Thus I, my fiery friend, entreat:
Don’t aspire to more than heat
A home. Restrain your conflagration
And we’ll share a heartfelt celebration.
Filed under Poems
My Bedtime Is At 8:00… Cut Me Some Slack
There once was a birthday party
That started at 6:30
It went a long time,
Which makes it hard to rhyme
Which is why “30” is now pronounced “tharty”.
Filed under Poems
The Woke Agenda’s Fatal Flaw
One of the problems with globalism
Is that some Scandinavian guy named Anders
Is going to meet a muslim guy named Salaam
And a third party will greet them both
By shouting “Salaam, Anders!”
And some guy terrified of reptiles
Will sue for emotional damages.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 