I heard yo’ mama’s missing.
Where she’s gone is rather dull.
Let’s just say the moon was hungry
But tonight the moon is full.
Category Archives: Poems
No New Messages
Hey there gurrls
On the internet.
I’m the sexiest nerd
You have digitally met.
My can read my handle:
TentaclesRMyLyfe.
I don’t mind you’re 16,
You can still be my wife.
You see my profile pic
With my shirt on the floor.
I know my photoshopped abs
Will make you swipe right for sure.
If you like obscure jokes
Come and give me a shout.
I’ve got a ragout rabbit
If your cooking’s maxed out.
Can I go all night?
Well, show you I will!
I can warranty that promise
With a little white pill.
So if you’re game, sexy,
Why not give me a “like?”
We’ll ride to heaven together
On my two-seater bike.
Filed under Poems
Spirit Animals
I wonder if tigers,
Wolves, and Toucans
Think that their spirit
Animals are humans?
I could find no answer,
But see if you can.
And now I wonder whose spirit
Animal is a toucan.
Filed under Poems
A Declaration of Independence From Humorless People
When in the course
Of humor events
It becomes necessary
To sever ties
Because jokes about Catholics,
Jews and Gents,*
Fat people and others
Are not always wise,
Then its time to move on
To where humor’s a sense
That people possess.
That’s just what I think.
So go somewhere unfollowable
By the immense,
The political and religious,
And flash them a wink.
*Abbreviation of “Gentiles.” Yes, I’m that stretched for a rhyme.
Happy Weekend!
Filed under Poems
…Until You Fall Asleep
Is it evil to hate those
Who collide at high speed
And slow down the traffic
On your way to work?
If you type “Lol”
When you mean “I hope you bleed,”
Is that being human
Or being a jerk?
If somebody pokes you
And you grab their head
And crush it with gusto
In an industrial vice,
Or set them on fire
And chant “Presto Combusto”
Is that so wrong?
Ok… I’ll be nice…
Filed under Poems
An Absence Of Violent Friends
I know a few ninjas
And I know a few knights
Who go to the park
And fly fancy kites.
Ask them for a teaspoon
And they’ll give you a cup.
They’re great ’til you need
To f*** someone up.
Filed under Poems
A Table By The Men’s Room
Our eyes joined as one
Across the smoky hall.
Your heartbeat grew faster
And you let out a call.
I stood and approached,
So graceful and tall.
You thought of love,
And I of nature’s call.
Filed under Poems
How To Spot A Sociopath
I saw a man at Starbucks
Ordering hot cocoa.
The barista asked, “You want whipped cream?”
And that sick human being said “No.”
Filed under Poems
Don’t Write a Poem When You’re Hungry
My mind is a pomegranate:
Juicy, seedy,
And it leaves stains on whatever it touches.
You don’t know how it opens
And it takes hours to process
And doesn’t fill you up.
Luckily my heart is some type of meat,
Probably liver.
Mmmm… Liver.
