Thirty years after the events
Of the movie “Home Alone,”
The little kid who starred in it
Must now pick up the phone
And call the bank to bend and scrape
For money to be loaned.
The mortgage guy approves the app,
A trap for our hero.
And so the boy becomes a man
With a house, all on his own.
The title of the sequel is
Of course, “Home: A Loan.”
Filed under Poems
Never underestimate
The power of a bike,
For if you do, I’m telling you
To go and take a hike.
Filed under Poems
I don’t need lots of money,
Fancy cars or clothes.
I’m happy as can be
Without any one of those.
Instead what my heart longs for
Through every lonely night
Is to once find a hotel room
Lit by one overhead light.
Saggy and immortal
Is how I want to be,
Drooping like a curtain
For all eternity,
For if I could live forever
Then why be thin? Pray tell!
It worked for Jabba the Hutt
And he did pretty well
(Although he missed his calling
Playing in the NFL).
Filed under Poems
In the beginning
The world was flat,
The king was king,
And that was that.
Then peasants saw
They’d gotten screwed.
They grabbed torches and pitchforks
And got really rude.
Now the king wasn’t king
And the Earth was a sphere
And the peasants rejoiced
And drank all the beer.
A king was elected
Who told everyone
“The beer will be back
When my four years are done.”
But the beer wasn’t back
After the Earth’s fourth turn,
So the pitchforks were sharpened
And the torches did burn.
And now the beer’s back,
Which just goes to show
That society’s perfect.
And, well, now you know.
Filed under Poems
In her pockets
Are red lipstick,
A makeup mirror,
And a guitar pick.
She’s got a swiss army knife,
A wilted daisy petal,
And an mp3 player
Full of heavy metal.
My pockets used to hold
Similar stuff
‘Til I gave up on pants.
Now I live in the buff.
Filed under Poems
I remember my first experience
With the wild game
With my family in the wilderness.
It started out the same
As always, with me picking
To buy my real estate
As a very wealthy shoe,
Who I promptly nicknamed “Nate.”
For pocket change we purchased
Some purples and light blues.
Then I rolled three doubles
And had to pay my dues.
I spent three turns in jail,
Until the mountain lion came.
Turns out the wild’s not the place
To play a monopoly game.
Filed under Poems
Flashing purple lights.
I’m inside a UFO.
What is with that probe?
Filed under Poems
If I were granted just one wish
I’d have an evil-slaying sword.
It may not be too practical,
But at least I wouldn’t be bored.
I’d go around the moonlit city
Slaying, smiting, chopping,
And otherwise killing baddies.
That, or I’d go shopping.
Filed under Poems
I dreamt that I was sleeping
A dreamless sort of sleep.
Then my dream was invaded
By countless uncounted sheep.
I counted the invaders
And so fell asleep again.
This poem may be real or not,
But either way it’s zen.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 