Hermione
Is smarter than me.
Katniss
Would bring me bliss.
For Sarah Connor
I’d be a goner.
I always swoon
For Sailor Moon.
Princess Leia,
The Vampire Slaya,
Buttercup, Blossom, and Belle.
Cinderella’s
Pretty swell, huh?
They’d all suit me so well.
I stare at my breakfast,
The eggs and the bacon,
And ask why all the good girls
Are fictional or taken.
Filed under Poems
‘Twas a short and hectic year
That crawled by a month at a time.
I ended most days with sleep
And started all with a rhyme.
I was unemployed for a while
After graduation,
But somehow I survived
And avoid flagellation.
I discovered the forbidden joys
Of anime and manga,
Continued doing improv,
And never lined a conga.
Now I work with Aflac,
With my days spent on the road,
But when I go to sleep at night
My shoulders lose a load
Because when I pull the covers
Over my weary head
I’m an undercover agent
Whom no government wants dead.
‘Twas a five-and-a-half stanza year.
Thanks for laughing with me here.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
I raised my chimney nine inches
When I remodeled my home.
It makes the opening hard to reach
For a reindeer, elf, or gnome,
So I installed a dumbwaiter
To help the givers out.
It makes it hard to build a fire,
But I feel like it gives me clout.
Filed under Poems
Three wisemen sat on a log,
In contemplation of a bog.
The first wiseman said “if you will,
“Take a look at the rise of the hill.
“See its gentle, curving side
“Not so unlike my long-lost bride.”
The second wiseman inclined his head
To graying waters, and he said
“Think about this water, rife
“With pestilence, and yet with life.”
The third wiseman felt all alone
As he sat staring at his phone.
He wanted Christmas poetry,
Yet found the Daily Travesty.
The first wiseman, nostalgia found.
The second wiseman almost drowned.
The third wiseman followed the blog
As he sat with the others on a log.
The bog itself was still, unchanged.
This poem, however, is deranged.
Filed under Poems
Follow your star
Wherever it leads.
Reap the fruits of desire
With your dreams as the seeds.
Follow your star
To your destiny’s stage.
Embrace life’s uniqueness,
Serenity, rage.
Follow your star
Into infinite space.
I just hope that it leads you
Far away from my face.
Filed under Poems
I always thought I was the type of pig
Who built his house of bricks,
But on my online dating profile
I referred to women as “chicks.”
I don’t know how I’ll find true love,
After dropping such a bomb.
I guess the fire that burned my bridge
Started with a match.com
Snow meanders from the sky,
Frozen water from up high.
It makes the children feel alive,
Enrages those who have to drive.
The snow is one foot deep, then two.
Sleds come out, and ice skates too.
Men and angels made of snow
Play with the children from below.
And all alone one child cries
As he comes to realize
That Californian girls and boys
Don’t get to share these little joys.
Then he gets comfort from his Dad.
Guess North Dakota’s not that bad.
Filed under Poems
I slept in ’til nine.
It felt really, really good.
This is a haiku.
Filed under Poems
Last night was so traumatic
That I need somewhere to vent,
For deep inside my heart
This feeling, up is pent.
I was driving home that evening
Behind a smart car, of all things,
Admiring the method
By which Shakira sings
When I saw the telltale glint
Of two curious green eyes,
And at once I knew the smart car
Was going faster than was wise.
Out leapt the eyes, and with them
Came the body of the cat.
There was quite the explosion
With blood and all of that.
And so I’ve seen the process
Of roadkill. Such dismay!
At least I take some comfort knowing
That at least the cat’s okay.
Filed under Poems
I never learned how to sew,
So my homemaking skills are so-so,
But I know “two” from “to,”
And I even learned “too,”
So I guess you reap what you so.
Filed under Poems
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