Oh my, you must be very deep
To paint a flock of birds
With such philosophy being implied
You can’t put it into words.
Likewise those blocks of red and blue
Or that black diagonal swipe
Has all the meaning in the world,
But none that you can type.
Filed under Poems
They were selling shining armor
Of a glossy silver sheen,
But in armor so cliché
This knight would not be seen
For I’m not just a crusader;
I’m a pretty darn cool cat
‘Cause I passed on shining armor
In favor of the matte.
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Catching tigers by the toe
Is a very prudent way to go.
The tiger will extend his thanks.
This poem paid for by Tiger Food Banks.
Filed under Poems
You say I’m small and round and pink.
You’d probably say I’m cute,
But I’ll change your life ’til your naughty words
Are “darn” and “fudge” and “shoot.”
I scream and cry at random,
Especially on planes
And when I get an allowance
I’ll spend it all on trains.
When I grow up I’ll be the first
Astronaut/Magician
Unless I become a firefighter,
President, and magician.
Then when I get to college
(If that’s the path I take)
I’ll send you Facebook pictures
Of me with girls and a snake.
I’ll graduate with a B.A
In a field like liberal studies
‘Cause you funded five long years
For me and my frat buddies.
And then I’ll work for forty years
And die a tired man.
That’s why I want to skip college
And go live in my van.
Filed under Poems
I bought a pair of magic pants
That made me really good at dance.
I was a prodigy of being cool,
Like none before at this high school.
I danced with all the senior boys
And hopped and swung and made some noise.
Now afterwards, I have a hunch
My pants weren’t magic; That was the punch.
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If life gives you lemons
I hope you have water
And sugar and someone
With whom you can drink.
If life gives you lemons
Ask for apples instead
‘Cause they’re good by their lonesomes.
That’s what I think.
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I know you love my carrot cake
Whenever I get the urge to bake,
So I cannot understand why
You didn’t like my carrot pie.
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One black drop in a gilded cage.
A red drop falls at its flank.
And so they pile upon themselves
Like tears, but far less dank.
And so we build a motif
‘Til the discs can fall no more
And one man slumps, defeated,
Since his rival connected four.
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If the world ends tomorrow
Then the world won’t end today.
If you have more rhetorical questions
Please make them go away.
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The yeti is a peaceful beast
Who lacks in privacy
‘Cause he’s always being hunted down
By chaps like you and me.
So I began a coalition
To give bigfoot some peace.
I call it SKYP, which stands for
Stop Katching Yeti Please.
I put the group on Facebook
But not on that Twitter site
‘Cause in 140 characters or less
I can’t get my message right.
So if you’re concerned with freedom
For out Northern monstrous friend
Please send me checks or paypal,
And that’s this poem’s end.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 