Are the mob and the boy scouts
In secret cahoots,
With their secret passwords
And fancy salutes?
Would that mean the girl scouts
Are friends with the hood?
I guess that explains
Why the cookies are good…
Category Archives: Poems
Who Needs Evidence?
Filed under Poems
The Tryout
When I was a lad
Just fifteen years old
I wasn’t athletic
(or so I’d been told).
But I planned to defy
What those tellers had seen,
So I went to try out
For the varsity team.
I arrived at the field
As the players warmed up,
While the other try-outers
Put on pads, shoes, and cups.
I suited up quickly
And I followed them out
Of the football locker room,
Impressed with my clout.
Well, as I marched out
Next to guys twice my size
I thought for a moment
“Maybe this isn’t wise.”
But I bucked myself up
Because I had a dream.
Then the coach took the field
And surveyed his team.
“Go stand in a line!”
The football coach roared,
But behind all the anger
He seemed rather bored.
But that boredom faded
Surprisingly quickly
When he spotted me there,
Five feet tall and quite sickly.
“You,” the coach shouted,
“Don’t belong on this team.
You’re twelve inches two short
And four times too lean!”
But I stepped up and told him
“No coach, you’re wrong.
I may be little,
But I’m pretty darn strong,”
And I picked up a football,
All brown, sleek, and hard.
I pumped with my arm
And I tossed it… one yard.
The other kids laughed,
And the coach threw me out.
“Kids these days.
Don’t know what football’s about.”
As I left, I felt stronger,
Despite striking out,
‘Cause I conquered my fear
And I tackled my doubt.
And that night I was happy
And I held my head higher,
Filled with joy and remembrance
Of having slashed coach’s tire.
Filed under Poems
The Sports Cow
Well Jeb, he was a farmer
Workin’ at a dairy.
He milked the cows,
he worked the plows,
Side by side with his loving wife, Mary.
But as a man he had an urge
To power up his life.
So he ate corned beef hash
and saved up his cash
And bought a gift for his wife.
Well Jeb, he covered Mary’s eyes
And led her to the field,
Where there waited a bull,
its proverbial tank full
And its eyes gleaming like a windshield.
“He does zero to 20 in an eighth of a second,”
Jeb boasted, feeling swell.
“He’s got lots of meat,
and a leather seat
And he sings farmer in the dell!”
Mary, well, she had her doubts.
“How much did you pay for this bull?”
“Just a hundred and ten,”
Jeb answered, and then
Mary, a tantrum did pull.
So Jeb had to return his fancy bull
To the fancy bull guy. What a bummer!
But he got his way
The very next day
When he purchased a shiny new hummer.
Filed under Poems
A Fork in the Road
When traveling I stumbled
On a fork in the road.
I wondered “what is this?”
“Perhaps it’s a code?”
It was the oddest thing
I had seen in my life,
So I took it and put it
With my road spoon and knife.
Filed under Poems
Done!
I’m finished with finals!
I’m finally done!
And now all the classrooms
Make way for the sun!
Exams are extinguished
And classes are passed.
The papers are written.
Summer’s here at long last!
Commitments are finished,
At least ’til the Fall.
What will I do?
How ’bout nothing at all?
Filed under Poems
Happy Birthday Mom!
By my sister you first became “Mother.”
Then you made me, the brother.
Dad helped with that too, and how-do-you-do,
We’re a family like no other.
But this family really started
When off your mom was carted
To the delivery room, then bang-clang-kerploom!
From her body you departed.
And so this day we do
Take time to celebrate you.
Not with cheap paper hats (we are cooler than that’s),
But with a birthday choo-choo boogaloo.
(Figuratively speaking).
So whether weather is warm or cold,
You we will will hug, kiss, and hold.
So have a wonderful year, and just to be clear,
Our love for you never grows old.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Field That Is Us
It’s beautiful, this field,
With grass as high as your knees.
Soft and green
Swaying gently in a breeze
As warm as my love’s embrace.
We met here as children.
In the end she’d be my wife.
We trampled flowers, frightened birds
And swore eternal love to life
And each other.
Twelve years later we returned,
Twice as old and just as free.
She wanted to make love,
And I fell to one knee
And told her to wait a bit longer.
The wedding came, intimate,
With guests totaling eleven.
It rained and we cried
In joy, in love, in heaven.
There was a rainbow before the sunset.
I return sixty years later
Driving down the road unpaved.
It rains again as I kneel
And lay a flower on her grave
In the field that is us.
Filed under Poems
Bane
I feel sorry for Bane,
That villainous guy.
He grew up in a pit
Gazing up at the sky.
He never ate Birthday Cake,
Cookies, or Pie.
I hope you now know
Why he wants you to die.
The Monster’s Bad Day
I hide under your bed,
And I listen to you sleep.
I’m a hairy, hungry monster,
And a very scary creep.
I slide from under the mattress
And I long to hear your screams,
But as I lean over your face
My pants year at the seams.
Well I cover up my booty
And composure I regain.
Then I step on a Lego
And my mind goes numb from pain.
I stumble back and bite my tongue
And try to silent be.
Then your eyes flap open
And you take a look at me.
It seems bizarre to you,
So you think it’s a nightmare.
So you fall asleep, and I silently scream:
“This monster’s life ain’t fair.”
So I slink back to the ground
And crawl back beneath your bed.
Tomorrow I’ll do better.
Tomorrow you’ll be dead….
Filed under Poems
Thank You!
I have great news
To share with yous.
(That’s the travesty plural of you).
We’ve hit a milestone
Of our very own.
Our followers are one hundred and two!
Many thanks to you,
Who make dreams come true,
This blog’s no longer B-team.
I thank my stars
For “Monkey Bars.”
Acceptable this I do deem.
So what does lay
For the future day
Of the Daily Travesty?
Quite possibly
Philosophy
And more humorous stuff by me.
And around the bend,
Near the end
Of the year 2013.
I may just have a book,
So come back for a look.
‘Twill be something to be seen.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 