Category Archives: To the Reader

May 9, 2015 · 9:02 am

The Rogue Turns 21

Murderous harlots,

Criminal trollops,

And other such vagrants

Gathereth here.

They bring you candles

And tall paper hats

To cherish your living

Another whole year.
They blow on noisemakers

And sing stupid songs,

Cut open your cake

With a cold-steel blade.

A few sacrifice

A goat in your honor.

Throughout it all

Your face remains staid.
As your friends dance

In your post-birthday haze

You lighten their purses

And head out the door.

You retire wealthy,

And don’t even mind

That your D&D group

Doesn’t like you no more.

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May 3, 2015 · 9:14 am

Keywords

I’m trying to attract more visitors

To this little blog o’ mine,

And, as you’d say to a stranger,

“Everything’s going fine.”
That said, with all the interest

On riots and anarchy,

I thought I’d write a poem

For those in national security.
Bomb, plastic explosives,

Terrorism, June.

Do not fly to Baltimore.

Tomorrow night at noon.
[Unintelligible string of letters].

Shoe bombs and bomb swallowers.

That should give me some new views

(And maybe a few new followers).

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April 28, 2015 · 8:00 am

Nailed It!

If you miss a manicure

You may mot feel remorse.

But then, just you imagine

You were riding on a horse.

You granbed the reins and kicked your heels,

But the horse, it gave a buck

‘Cause it knew your nails were bland.

Yeah, that would kinda suck.

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April 24, 2015 · 9:53 am

Victorious Secret

Hope and honor,

Faith and love:

These are yours

When you rise above.

So keep moving ahead

If only by little bits.

And for those who won’t,

Here’s to Friday and tits!

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April 14, 2015 · 10:56 am

The Value Of A Missing Letter

Carved of granite, nine feet tall,

He stares down and calls you small.

If your likeness, he is an imitation.

He is your statue of limitation.

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April 13, 2015 · 9:58 am

Three Day Weekend

I’m busy as an ugly hooker,

Yet I have no free time

To clean the house or exercise

Or come up with a requisite rhyme.

The lazy Sunday model

Is how every day should be.

I’m doing the same this Monday.

Let’s hear it: Who’s with me?

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April 11, 2015 · 9:48 am

Entertainment Budget

I called a 1-900 sex line

Out of curiosity.

I was informed my telephone

Would be charged a rather high fee.

I did the math and budgeted;

Eighty seconds is all I could be on.

So I pressed “pound” (and chuckled)

And got ready for a marathon.

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April 9, 2015 · 1:01 pm

The Shameless Plug

Although at first glance

He was a ball of hair,

And like “Sex, Lies, and Poetry”

He had an unapologetic air.

The hairball plugged my shower

And made the water stay

Like laughter at a poetry book

Or homeless guys at a KOA.

The shameless plug held water

So I was forced to buy Drano.

It cost me almost $5.99.

What a fantastic low price! Whoa!

So now my shower drains just fine.

The shameless plug has fled.

Now I’m happy and clean, and my only wish

Is to read some funny poems in bed.

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April 7, 2015 · 8:29 am

Alternate History

It’s the little things in history

That changed the world we know,

Like how we’d all be drinking taxed tea

If it weren’t for that Washington schmo.

What if Egypt hadn’t come along

And stolen Moses’s guys,

Or if medieval barbarians

Had toilet paper (just two plies).

Would the dark ages have ended

If the Visigoths used their head

And gained a tactical advantage

By bein invisi-goths instead?

And what if all this happened

And then Superman got drunk

And flew around the world so fast

That suddenly history stunk?

How would history be different

If this poet were never born?

You’d be stuck with Robert Frost,

Or else be watching porn.

Thus endeth my ideas,

Written down via Roman letters.

But think of how, if things had changed,

This poem would be betters.

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March 21, 2015 · 11:20 am

The Bad Day Begins

I took a fifteen minute shower

To get all clean and bright,

But when I stepped in it

The water wasn’t right.

At first it was too hot to stand,

So I bumped it down a little.

It turned out either hot or cold,

But nowhere in the middle.

I got out and toweled off

And went to check the heater.

It may have been fine. I don’t know.

I couldn’t read the meter.

So I called up a plumber

To come down that afternoon.

He said that he would call me back.

I hope he shows up soon.

And so I had a sponge bath

That took upwards of an hour

Cause I waited for the sponge to cool

From the overheated shower.

Then I hopped into my car

Stuck in my key and turned,

When a friendly orange dash light

Said my gas had all been burned.

I sweated thirty miles

On my tandem bike, alone.

I’d have called you when I left

But I forgot my phone.

And here I am, alive and well,

Although I’m somewhat harried.

Any minute now my darling one

Will come, and we’ll get married.

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