Did stand-up tonight
Thus this rushed little haiku.
My apologies.
Category Archives: To the Reader
Chapter Two
If you are reading this
Chances are you’ve been born.
You’ve probably learned how to read,
You’re on a computer, and you have internet access,
And you understand English.
It’s unlikely you’re naked.
You may be hungry
Or thirsty,
But you aren’t dangerously so.
In fact, chances are your problems aren’t that bad
In the grand scheme of things.
This is chapter one,
Your prologue,
The beginning of your life.
I ask you now to examine what you’re going to do tomorrow
When chapter two rolls around.
Look around.
Observe the dramatis personae that is the world
And realize you are not the main character.
Then, you only have to ask:
What’s my point?
Here are your options:
The villains, who are hated,
The heroes, who are loved,
The fluff, the flavor text, who are unremembered,
Or the sun, rain, and wind, giving light and life to all you encounter.
Why should you long to be a main character
When you can be the sky?
Chapter one showed you the setting
Where your life takes place.
In chapter two, we see who matters in this story of life.
So tomorrow, when chapter two starts,
What will you be doing?
Why will you matter?
Will you breathe the air, or will you be the air?
Choose now, because you never get to see the table of contents.
Few books are longer than 1,000 pages,
Most aren’t 300,
And the silly ones full of rainbows and unicorns
Are usually around 12.
If I only get 12 pages,
I don’t want 9 to say,
“And he wished…”
I want 11 to say,
“And he was, and he did, and he gave his all,
And he smiled throughout.”
So write your twelve pages as they are,
And fill them with pretty pictures of chapter one.
Throw them away,
And walk onward, shining like the sun you can be,
Into chapter two.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
How to (Shhhhhh!) Cheat the System
There comes a point in every man’s life
In which he forgets about a prior commitment.
In this case, I forgot to write a poem yesterday,
So technically I’m cheating.
As long as I’m cheating by writing yesterday’s post today
I might as well not write it poetically.
But I’ll insert arbitrary
Breaks in the lines
To give the sense
Of a stanza.
But I’ve lingered too long on meaningless excuses.
I’m going to teach you today how to cheat the system
(In case the title didn’t tell you)
By mailing any local letter for free.
Here’s how:
1: Write and seal your letter as you normally would.
2: Where you would normally address the envelope, write your address.
3: Where you would write the return address, write the address you want to send the letter to.
4: Put your letter in a public USPS box without a stamp.
5: Smile as you save 42 cents by having the post office “return” it.
Disclaimer: I never do this, and you shouldn’t either, if you know what I mean. 😉 (Although it is technically legal, so there are no consequences…)
Best of luck, and look for another travesty tomorrow… er, today.
Anarcho-Capitalistically,
David
Filed under To the Reader
Super Sweet Blogging
Today I thank a fellow man
Whom I have never met.
He goes by Starscraper99
And I am in his debt
For he has nominated me
(And a host of other blogs)
For the “Super Sweet Blogging Award,”
Which really turns my cogs (in a good way).
So here’s my application, I guess
To be eligible for this award.
I must list off several bloggers
Whose material strikes a chord
In the heart of this here blogger,
And answer some questions too.
So here we go: These are my picks.
Congrats if one is you!
For gamer types, there’s Greywulf’s Lair (greywulf.net)
And “Blog of subdued excitement” (Slightlyhippie.wordpress.com) for those who air
Their private lives upon the net.
And “A soldier’s perspective” (militarygear.com/asp) for civilians and vets.
Now onto the question portion I go.
The first goes like this:
“Cookies or cake?” I must say
I can’t choose, and thus plead the fifth (Although it’s cookies, but that didn’t rhyme).
Next they ask “Chocolate or Vanilla,”
To which I must reply
That chocolate is better in all departments
Except ice cream, where vanilla reigns high.
What’s my favorite sweet treat? I don’t have one.
As long is it’s sweet, then I’m good.
When do I crave sweet things the most?
I guess whenever I’m in the mood.
And finally if I had a sweet nickname
What on earth would it be?
Sweet Travis T. It’s a good moniker.
That’s a few sordid facts about me.
So if you were nominated, here’s what you do:
Thank me in a post on your blog,
Nominate the blogs that you love to read
And answer the questions. Hurrah(g)!
So keep blogging my friends,
I love what you write!
Have a sweet afternoon,
And after that, a good night!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Reason to be Happy #1
Who the hell takes candy from babies?
Do you know anyone?
It’s a sick sort of thing, and I’m glad people don’t.
Babies just wanna have fun.
So when you are moody, sad or depressed
Or your dog’s been diagnosed with rabies,
Or society bugs you like it bugs me, at least
People don’t take candy from babies.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Easter Eggs
Easter eggs confuse me.
They do not come from a bunny,
And telling children that they do
Just really isn’t funny.
What is funny though
Is in movies, games and books
When the creators add in secret things
You don’t find in the first few looks.
And so, as writer’s block set in
This gray and fateful day,
I left an Easter egg for you
Hidden amidst this page.
If you can find it, good for you!
Like or comment and let me know.
If you don’t here’s a hint: It’s a question
That resides where the internet knows.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Christian School Cheerleaders
When I was going to middle school
I attended an institution
Which followed Christian philosophy
As a sort of constitution.
When I went to high school, I made sure
That It was public, ’cause see here,
Public schools, unlike Christian ones,
Have squads of young leaders of cheer.
And frankly, I don’t think it’s fair
That those good Christian girls
Shouldn’t have the same oppurtunity
To shout inanities and do kicks and twirls,
So I assembled a brief list
Of appropriate Christian cheers.
So now still be Christian
And be immodest in your high school years:
Moses brought commandments a long time ago!
Jesus died on the cross to redeem your soul!
Goooooooo PURITANS!
Jesus crossed the Galilee!
Now we’ll high-kick modestly!
Gooooooo DISCIPLES!
How many goals we got? THREE!
How many goals they got? NUN!
Jesus loves the home team, and the visitors too!
But we now who is gonna win, and we hope that you do too!
Goooo BULL- DOGMAS!
On the first day God created light!
But today we’ll honor him and FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
Goooooooo be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground. ”
In other news, I’m going to Hell.
The weather’s nasty, but the Company’s swell.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Lost in Translation (With Subtitles)
Dear reader, today I show to you
Dear readers, today show
One of my favorite ways
a favorite
To pass a tiresome hour or two
as South
On sites like Google translate.
Google translate
One simply writes a bit of text,
Simply type the text
A paragraph or two,
or two
Then translates the writing back and forth
Then enter transfer
To a language like French or Urdu.
In languages like French and Urdu
The result, as you will likely see
Therefore it is possible
When this process is repeated
When the process is repeated
In many languages, is humorous
In many languages full of humor.
Because all meaning is deleted.
For this reason it is cancelled.
So that’s my ramble for today.
Now it’s your turn.
I hope you have some fun
Hope you enjoy
Translating things into foreign texts,
Translation of foreign language.
And now I’ve got to run.
Readers jetzt.Wapendwa employment, today show
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Good Morning Moon
Originally composed in 2012, this epic poem spans the bridge between treatise and children’s poetry. It reveals to us our own ephemeral lifestyle of insults, mindlessness, depression, old ladies whispering “hush,” and the African tourism industry Now, published for the first time, this masterpiece of modern literature, no, the definition of the future of art, is made accessible to the general public. Also, the emperor’s new wardrobe has arrived).
Good morning room,
Good morning moon.
Why are you up in the day
You stupid buffoon?
Good morning chairs
Good morning bears.
Good morning kittens
And the hairballs they spittin’s.
Good morning clocks
And good morning socks.
And green eggs and ham rocks
In a box with a fox.
Good morning comb
And good morning brush.
I feel like a nobody…
My heart turns to mush.
(And something about an old lady
Whispering “Hush.”)
Good bye stars
And good bye air.
I’m going on vacation to somewhere in Zaire.
You get it, right?
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 