Well the supreme court
Made an unpopular decision,
At least for those whose disposition
Is decidedly pro-choice.
But Baby, I’m here
To let you know no need to bother,
‘Cause your probably not the father
Of my up-and-coming boys.
But if you can’t sleep
‘Cause of that night you slept around,
Well good news, you dirty hound!
I’ve a solution to use.
No need to find
Some shady dark alley clinics
Run by Obama-care critics.
Just sing the “keep the baby” blues.
You might just find that fatherhood
Is just what you should.
Might be surprisingly good.
Yea, you might just find that having boys
Is not all about the noise
And spending money on toys.
Look on the bright side:
You have to pay for birth control
Which feels good deep in your soul,
Or so the justices said.
And better yet
If feds won’t pay to kill a baby
Then it might just be that maybe
Fewer babies be dead.
You might just find being a mum
Is very joyous to some,
Even if Daddy’s a bum.
You might just find the will to love
Though maybe that epiphany don’t come from heaven above.
Liberal friends, they did defeat us,
But their intent wasn’t simply to beat us,
They was only try’n to save another fetus,
Who just might be a future baby Cletus.
And so I end
With this proposal to ponder:
Would our hopes go way out yonder
If you did abstinence choose?
And I’ll admit
If that’s a price too high to pay
Then live your life the same way
And sing the “keep the baby” blues.
Filed under Songs
A dog should be your best friend.
A dog could be your pal.
Alas, it seems that most dogs
Are primitive and banal.
Then I looked at people
And all of my human friends
And I saw that they, like dogs
Have behavior that needs the mends.
Both parties are prone to eat to much,
And they both crave attention.
Both are oddly furry
And deserve a day’s detention.
So I suppose that friends and dogs
At times can be quite trite,
But I’d not give up on either,
For I love both with all my might.
Filed under Poems
I went to see a wrestling match
In Canada last night.
A friend of mine was in the ring
And I love to watch him fight.
And so I drive a lot of miles,
(Which in kilometers is more)
Excited to see the action
I had waited all week for.
Well, sure enough my buddy entered,
400 pounds of strong.
His name was Big Jack Cunningham,
Six feet tall (and wide, and long).
In the other corner of the ring
Stood “Supernatural” Nelson Creed.
He was a caped, intellectual sort
And for victory he had greed.
And so the two began to clash.
The fight was long and hard.
Clotheslines crashed and kicks were dropped
And arms and legs were barred.
And in the end, Big Jack tapped out.
My feelings… They were mixed.
I would have liked to see him win,
But I know the match was fixed.
And so it goes in wrestling shows,
But at least Jack showed the town
That though he fell, they all can tell
He’s just as tall lying down.
Filed under Poems
You were a frumpy lady
In K-Mart head to toe,
But somewhere in your mind
My wallet said “Yolo.”
And thus began your journey
To your new, expensive self
Hoping to find happiness
On some designer’s shelf.
When my first check bounced
On the 23rd of June
I realized the price of your disguise
And howled to the moon,
‘Cause that two-hundred dollar t-shirt
And ten-thousand dollar sack,
Along with ninety pairs of shoes
Bought the shirt right off my back.
And to the lawyers who’ve been listening
I think you really oughta
Make sure she pays the alimony,
Even if it’s paid in Prada.
Filed under Poems
I needed a haircut and a shave
But was cash supply was small.
I thought I had a solution
When I visited the mall.
Eleven dollars later
I found proof that I was wrong
Because, while most of my hair was no longer there,
What was left was way too long.
And so I swore off barbers,
And I bought a bottle of Nair.
I’d save time and dignity
If I needn’t concern myself with hair.
That is how I got this dome
Where no hair can call a home.
Filed under Poems
Hello sir, and how are you?
That’s wonderful to hear. Me too!
Sorry to distract your meal,
But my oh my, do I have a deal!
Hello, how are you tonight.
Nice to hear. I’m doing alright.
I’m calling because I believe
I’ve got something you want to receive.
Hello ma’am. Lovely night.
Oh, can’t complain. (Pshaw! Yeah right).
I’m calling because you should buy
Something from me, or I’ll cry.
To whomever this may concern:
From this position I do adjourn.
I really can’t take anymore,
So I’m leaving to try door-to-door.
Filed under Poems
At first I was unnerved
By the thought of being observed.
But no longer do I utter groans.
Just think! A lass like me
Could help U.S. Security!
I smile at the very thought of drones.
They read my email and spam,
And when I’m on my webcam
I always throw those patriots a wink,
And if at night they watch
Some lucky guy might spy my crotch.
They give my life a gigabyte of kink!
So if you’re paranoid
You need not be annoyed
That big brother’s got his eyes on you.
Instead, it would be wise
To pity all the spies
Who have to watch the boring s*** you do.
Filed under Poems
I filed for evil bankruptcy
Just the other day.
Changes is technology
Have driven business away.
No one buys poison apples
Or spinning wheels in any form.
When they want to put a princess to sleep
They just use chloroform.
Filed under Poems
Ping pong would be a noble game
If at it I was not so lame.
As it is, I can’t respect
Those who ping and pong objects.
That being said, I’d like to be
The best table tennis player you’ll ever see,
And so for sake of peace of mind
I’ll play ping pong with the blind.
