Tag Archives: Men

July 11, 2015 · 12:13 pm

We Aim To Please

If you aim to please a woman:

If you aim to please a woman

In the daytime or the night

You must have the understanding

That you will do nothing right.

Women come in all varieties,

Not unlike an apple.

They’re made of the best stuff on Earth

Just like a can of Snapple.

But like a can of Snapple

With the label torn away,

You don’t know what you’ll be getting.

Don’t worry, that’s okay.

If you aim to please a man:

Take off your clothes.

Get out of those

Garments that were “Get in its.”

Then lay on back,

Hope that it’s black,

And enjoy the next three minutes.

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February 14, 2015 · 10:29 am

Ode To An Inserted Thing^

To me you’re like an insert thing here^
Full of double meanings
Absent of rhyme or reason
Or punctuation

You make my anatomy act
In a way appropriate for anatomy
In a situation of extreme emotion
Such as sweating
Swelling^
Or accelerated heartbeat

You make me want to write iridescent
Not because you are
But because it sounds pretty
And you like pretty things
Like diamonds
And Benjamin Franklin

This poem is not a pretty thing
I am writing it in bed
By myself
Shortly after waking up
At 4:30 PM*

I am alone
I have B.O.**
I have cable***
And five hours before bedtime****
Although it’s not a meaningful term
Because I might not leave my bed

Rehashing of the similarity
Between you and the object
Which was inserted in the first stanza^
Because after all
This poem is about you****

Happy Valentine’s Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Untrue, but it makes me seem pitiful

** Probably true. Can’t tell due to nasal fatigue.

*** Also Untrue

**** See ***

^That sounded naughty…

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November 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

Good Problems

One walks along the city streets,
Just trying to get some air,
Yet one can’t help but notice
All the girls who stop and stare.

One experiences this often.
If somewhere one does go
One’s glamor, wit, and glowing health
Make one a living show.

One wishes one could take a break
From being the perfect man,
So I guess I’m pretty lucky
That I’m not one, and I can.

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August 9, 2014 · 9:25 am

If I were better

If I were better looking
I might’ve turned out vainer,
And fighting off all my admirers
Could be an energy drainer.

If I were affluenter
I’d have a doctorate degree
And I’d spend all of our evenings
Psychoanalyzing me.

If I were much more charming
I’d deserve a laurel wreath
And I could blind you accidentally
With the gleaming of my teeth.

If I were any better
I would surely be much worse
So quit whining and accept me
And stop being so darn terse.

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July 30, 2014 · 9:56 am

The Group Date Paradigm

The exodus begins
When the conversation slows.
The first woman says “excuse me,
But I must powder my nose.”
The second woman joins her,
And the rest set in pursuit,
Ensuring the washroom diaspora
Never will be rendered moot.

Meanwhile, the men keep eating
But they cannot help but smile,
For through their lull in conversation
They’ve earned silence for a while.
They ogle other women
And they think about their cars
And how women would be better
If they also came from Mars.

And once the ladies finish
Their powdering and gossip
They go back to the table
Where they face a brand-new toss up:
They can keep on talking
Or be silent like the men.
Thus the guys pretend to listen
‘Til conversation slows again.

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