Chapped lips, dry skin,
Hair without a bobby pin,
Baggy pants, hairy pits,
A shirt that hides any sign of tits,
Spotty face, mustache line,
Eau de toilette called “big ass pine,”
A house that others call a sty:
Just another great day of being a guy!
Filed under Poems
Grizzly bear
Sitting there
Playing with
My ex-wife’s hair.
He seems happy.
She seems dead.
Yes I’m morbid.
Now, off to bed.
Filed under Poems
What wonder has a flower,
A daisy or a rose,
To the clueless human
As on its way it goes?
A work of nature, beautiful,
Is worth not but a glance
For what interest has a human
In the idle ways of plants?
But a very ugly flower
That can nauseate by sight,
That makes you want to kick a baby,
Draw attention that just might.
So when you see the spiders
Crawling from my bloodshot eyes
I seek your fondness and attention.
‘Twas not that so very wise?
Filed under Poems
If you see a girl you like
And say to her “my name is Mike”
Then it’d be a real shame
If that weren’t your real name.
Filed under Poems
Give a man a fish,
You’ll feed him for a day
Unless that man’s a vegan
In which case his death’s okay.
But teach a man to fish
(Be him Vegan or otherwise)
And if he gets married he’ll be grateful
And he’ll think you very wise.
Filed under Poems
Jack said “I bet” I can hold
My breath longer than you.
We shook hands and I staked cash
Knowing it wasn’t true.
Then I inhaled and so did he
Our cheeks and chests puffed out
And we proceeded with not-breathing
With the hope of earning clout.
15 seconds later
We both were doing fine.
We both were getting tired
When we hit a minute nine.
The suffering really started
At a minute thirty-two
And when we hit two minutes
We both had turned quite blue.
Another 30 seconds
And another after that.
Even though my name is Dave I
Hallucinated I was Matt.
A minute then another
Then an hour, then a week…
Neither of us dared exhale.
Our lungs just wouldn’t leak.
And when the comet hit the Earth
And brought the end of days
Jack and I, two zombies,
Saw the error of our ways.
We held our breath for eons,
‘Til the East became the West.
In our undeath we’ll break the tie
By seeing who can piss the best.
Filed under Poems
I like to raise a ruckus,
Rouse some rabble, have some fun.
I’m a manly man, so wild
That my hair is in a bun.
I’m true to my own nature
Even if it makes folks hate me.
I’m a mysterious loner bad-boy
So why does no one want to date me?
Filed under Poems
The hermit crab lived all alone,
Befitting of his name,
But he met a lady hermit crab
And talked and thrust and came.
Alas, he failed to protect himself
With a rubber or a thing of that yen
And he contracted a most vile disease:
In this case it was men.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 