I am a man of many skills.
I write music and poetry,
I play more than five instruments
And I’m good at climbing trees.
I can recite from memory
Every episode of M.A.S.H.
One of these days I’ll learn a skill
Conducive to earning cash.
Tag Archives: Money
No Free Love
I paid through the nose
In blood sweat and tears
To earn the love of my Lisa.
She’s worth every drop,
But before you propose
Best to ask if your love accepts Visa.
Filed under Poems
Symbolism
All good things have symbols,
Logos, and/or icons.
The golden M is Micky D’s.
The word”Nikon” is Nikon’s.
Now this is great for products
And for things you buy and sell,
But have you once considered
Other ways this works well?
Take a dollar symbol,
Which stands for money that we make.
Have you ever noticed
That it’s a pole-dancing snake?
Or how about the three curved lines
That indicate Wi-Fi.
They’re nothing but a magic drill
Descending from the sky.
What’s a symbol for your workplace?
A necktie does the trick
Because it’s both a hangman’s noose
And an arrow towards someone’s dick.
If I were a symbol
I’d be this guy: & Yup.
(I originally wanted to be an 8
But some artist messed up).
Filed under Poems
If I Had A Lot Of Money
If I had a lot of money
I would make the world a little more funny.
If I had a lot of money
I would create scholarships
For “liberal studies” majors,
Because the world needs more jokes.
If I had a lot of money
I would buy a TV station
And have it play “Groundhog Day”
On repeat forever, because irony.
If I had a lot of money
I would buy all the yachts
And rename them after penis puns
Then sell them back to their original owners,
But only the ones who didn’t laugh
Because rich people who don’t laugh at penis puns
Are the reasons I write poems like this in the first place.
If I had a lot of money
I would apologize to the liberal studies majors
But only because I prefer a leafless pool.
If I had a lot of money
I would eat really well,
But never what was on the menu
And always something with lots of cinnamon
Because cinnamon farming is hard work
And those guys deserve support,
But also because I really like cinnamon.
If I had a lot of money
I would defund the space program
And put that money into teleportation research
Because seriously people, priorities!
If I had a lot of money
I would roll in my money,
But only the paper bills
And only once,
And whenever I paid people with that money
I would look sheepish
Because my paper money was all wrinkled
And because I’m a nice guy
Despite having a lot of money
And because I kind of look like a sheep.
If I had a lot of money
It would be because people bought my books.
Just sayin’.
If I had a lot of money
I wouldn’t have a fancy car
Because women already like me plenty
And to show my support for teleportation research.
If I had a lot of money
I would have a dog named cinnamon
And a yacht named “Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the D.”
If I had a lot of money
I would have so much money
That money could buy me love.
I’d buy love for all the people I’ve hurt
With my poetry these last few years
And for the liberal studies majors
Who aren’t going to find it any other way.
If I had a lot of money
I would be very rich.
Until then, I’m voting Bernie Sanders.
Filed under Poems
…Too Much, Apparently
Despite being a poet,
With all the hype,
I am not
The wealthy type.
I think people
Are happiest
Without what’s fastest,
Newest, best.
Buy all that changed
When I saw you,
So bright and lovely
And oh so new.
You smelled of love
I’d long forgot,
And I liked it.
I wanted it a lot.
So now I’ve approached.
In your eyes I am lost,
And so I must ask:
How much do you cost?
Filed under Poems
The Big Winner
I won! I won! I actually won!
I won the lottery!
In the next few days, a ten-dollar check
Will be mailed straight to me!
You’ve no idea how much joy
Through which my heart has went.
That ticket was the best twenty bucks
I think I’ve ever spent.
Filed under Poems
Game of War?
I’ll pay ten dollars
For a movie ticket,
Five bucks to see
A game of cricket,
A hundred to Scuba
And get the bends.
Why won’t I pay three
To have no ads on Words with Friends?
Buying Lays
Money’s not a good way
To get her in the sack,
But it’s pretty darn effective
If you want to buy a snack.
Filed under Poems
‘Murica!
This poem is short
And not very funny,
Just like tax day
And my new lack of money.
Filed under Poems
Tipping Point
Twenty-five percent at breakfast,
And again for lunch and dinner.
It’s come as no surprise
That I am getting thinner.
Five dollars to the bus driver,
Ten dollars for the maid,
A fifty dollar dinner
If I’m wanting to get laid.
I’d tip my chiropractor,
But that isn’t apropos.
Sometimes I tip a homeless guy
I do not even know.
As you can see, I am
A very easy tipper.
Here’s a buck for reminding me
To examine my zipper.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 