As television became popular
Cannon deaths at sea have decreased
So I will continue to watch TV
And be grateful that I’m not deceased.
As television became popular
Cannon deaths at sea have decreased
So I will continue to watch TV
And be grateful that I’m not deceased.
Filed under Poems
Jingle bells on a reindeer’s chest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
A long night ahead with not much rest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
The elves made toys
For good girls and boys
But what the kids today enjoy’s
An iThingy
In 4k HD
With a USB
And a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Nine deer flew but just six came back
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Three collapsed ‘neath the Chinese sack
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Chimneyless homes
With their bulletproof domes
Are wherever he roams
Gluten free cookie lasses
Left him soy milk glasses
Which make him pass gasses
So a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Fifteen elves still employed at best
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Xi Jinping gone outsourced the rest
So its ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Filed under Poems
Legend says upon the sea
Beneath the skull and bones
A tiny man with whose skin is tan
With a beard of violet tones
Command a stalwart legion
Or pirates, hard as granite
Who seek to steal from those in teal,
Themselves in pomegranate.
There’s never been a pirate captain
So dreaded to be seen
As the hook’ed hand of the crooked man
Called Captain Aubergine…
Some once called him a dandy man
And some called him a fop,
And that soon lead to many a head
Who’s rollings’ are yet to stop.
And there he’ll stand with sword in hand
And beard the brightest plum
And calls the rat to ladies that
For booty he had come!
There’s never been a pirate captain
So dreaded to be seen
As the hook’ed hand of the crooked man
Called Captain Aubergine…
When on the seas, the frigates fled
When purple sails were seen
For not a sailor, cook, or whaler
Fights with Aubergine.
They knew beneath that gold fedora
A brutal brain belongs,
But none escape pillage and rape
Nor his K-Pop pirate songs!
There’s never been a pirate captain
So dreaded to be seen
As the hook’ed hand of the crooked man
Called Captain Aubergine…
And when the Violet Virgin docked
(As the captain’s ship was called)
The folks in port were naught but sport
For the pirates so ribald.
They stole the bread and beans and rice
And even the polenta,
For nothing stops the pirate fops
Bedecked in their magenta!
There’s never been a pirate captain
So dreaded to be seen
As the hook’ed hand of the crooked man
Called Captain Aubergine…
‘Til finally one fateful night
‘Neath a sunset, heliotrope
A treasure trove in vibrant mauve
With scalawags did elope
And Aubergine was satisfied
And sailed off, drinking wine
To somewhere worse, where grass is perse
And the sky’s amaranthine!
There’s never been a pirate captain
So dreaded to be seen
As the hook’ed hand of the crooked man
Called Captain Aubergine…
At least that’s how the tale’s told now
Of Captain Aubergine…
I found myself marooned
Off the coast of Kansas (somehow)
And saw another pirate was near.
He was selling corn
So I asked about the price.
He said “You’ll only pay a buccaneer.”
Filed under Poems
I wish I had a pirate ship
To show off to my neighbors,
To terrorize the waterways
And make legends of my labors.
I’d earn the love of ladies fair
And earn the lawmen’s hate.
Yes, I’d be the best damn pirate
In Arizona state.
Filed under Poems
Pirates are lying, violent jerks,
Three things which I deplore,
But pirates don’t write poetry,
Which makes me respect them more.
Filed under Poems
The jolly roger flails
In the stormy winter breeze
Above a deck of scalawags
Afloat upon the seas.
The crew is cruel and vile,
Culled from horrors of the night,
Which would be very normal
If their captain weren’t polite.
He’ll pull aside a merchant ship.
His cannons towards it swivel.
He shouts, “Please share your vittles
“So we may all be civil.”
Perhaps his victims do suspect
He’s playing with their minds,
But his motto is “Just be yourself
“And the looting works out fine.”
Filed under Poems
Ray’s cow chewed her cud
Amidst the mud,
While Ray looked on with wonder.
While I, Captain Jack
Snuck round the back.
Their farm I sought to plunder.
Alas Ray raised
A herd of deer
To guard his home from a pirate.
That’s the ballad
of Doe, Ray, and Me
And it makes me feel irate!
Filed under Poems