Today I returned home from my vacation in Portland, OR. The following are a few poems I thought of over the six hour drive when I should have been avoiding pedestrians:
Feel free to tailgate my ass,
But the more you press, the less I gas.
The sooner I’m back
In Oregon
The sooner your drivers
I can deplore again.
Filed under Poems
Life is like this little guy,
At first cute and fluffy and shy.
It’ll sit on your lap,
Happy purring, then SNAP!
And that’s why I wear this glass eye…
“Mimi” – AKA “Snake”
Filed under Poems
Am I the only one
Who’s lonely at night,
Who drinks from the faucet,
Who doesn’t want to fight?
Am I the only one
Whose hot chocolate is made
Without any water
But instead lemonade?
Am I the only one
Whose blowholes get sore
When I inhale the air
That you buy at the store?
If you’re ever unsure
If you’re normal or weird
Know that I’m right there with you
And so is my beard.
Filed under Poems
I made a pizza
With with kale and s’mores,
Sime slightly-burnt Dr. Pepper
And pastrami galore!
Now you mean to say
You ain’t hungry no more?
Filed under Poems
You said you knew
How to jump a car.
It sure wasn’t true…
You left a scar.
Red to black wire…
You expect to live?
I’ll have revenge you liar!
All I’ve got to give.
I’m Lyin’ on asphalt
Cursing at the stars.
You know it’s your fault!
There’s no time for flattery;
You assaulted my battery.
There’s a surprise
Right under your hood.
When your starter dies
It won’t sound good.
I saw your face.
It looked really dour.
I put you in your place
‘Cause I’ve got the power.
You’re lyin’ on asphalt
Cursing at the stars.
You know it’s your fault.
There’s no need for flattery.
I assaulted your battery.
(Instrumental bridge with sirens)
We’re face down on asphalt
Cursing at their stars.
It’s both of our faults…
No cops like flattery.
We both got charged
For assaulting the batteries.
Filed under Lyrics
Dancing fairy lights.
Look again and it’s a truck.
Should’ve looked both ways.
Filed under Poems
I’m crying like an onion
At a family reunion,
Laughing like a hyena
Listening to itself laugh,
Questioning everything
Like a / with a stuck shift-key,
Floating like a butterfly,
Stinging like the aftermath
Of an inadvisable romantic encounter.
Chick flicks, eh?
Filed under Poems
I play “Blue”
For 22.
You play “defenistrate”
For 108.
I play “equine”
For 59.
You play “Chrysanthemum”
For 201.
I play “admittance”
For a pittance.
You play “kalamazoo.”
Why do I still play with you?
Filed under Poems
I don’t mean to turn molehills
Into figurative mountains,
But tall and short people
Still must drink from different fountains.
Filed under Poems
The shape of Mount Everest,
And nearly the size
My dog’s defecation
On my neighbor’s lawn lies.
The shape of an axe
(Because that’s what it is),
My neighbor reminds me
To keep off what’s his.
The shape of a puppy
And the acent of a fart,
My dog watches this thinking
“They just don’t get my art.”
