When she looks at me
Children scream and flowers die.
Probably no big deal…
Tag Archives: Postaday
Now That’s Friendship!
If you like to stay at home
Though you’ve got nothing to do,
You’re thrilled when an appointment
Gets canceled out of the blue,
If reading makes you happy
And parties make you pout
Then you and I should be best friends
And never once hang out.
Thanks for Your Support (and Exclusive Offers)
I dedicate today’s poem
To all my followers and fans.
All of you are really very splendid.
You’re the remarkable few
On the internet who
Can read this stuff without being offended.
Without the lot of you
I’d have to read my own haiku
Which is something I’d probably despise,
And thanks to a special pair
Who comment here and there
My penis is sixteen times its original size.
Filed under Poems
A Trainer’s Life
I was taking a walk
Down route 123
When I saw you
Turn and look towards me.
As our eyes met
It was just like they said,
Like an exclamation point
Flashed over your head
And then you walked toward me
And called through the air:
“I like shorts! They’re comfy
And easy to wear.”
And then you attacked me
With your slave-monster pets.
I took all your money
And I have no regrets
Because I’m the greatest
Like no figure in lore.
That’s why you don’t
Make eye contact anymore.
Filed under Poems
Driving Home
Today I returned home from my vacation in Portland, OR. The following are a few poems I thought of over the six hour drive when I should have been avoiding pedestrians:
Feel free to tailgate my ass,
But the more you press, the less I gas.
The sooner I’m back
In Oregon
The sooner your drivers
I can deplore again.
Filed under Poems
Today I returned home from my vacation in Portland, OR. The following are a few poems I thought of over the six hour drive when I should have been avoiding pedestrians:
Feel free to tailgate my ass,
But the more you press, the less I gas.
The sooner I’m back
In Oregon
The sooner your drivers
I can deplore again.
Filed under Poems
Other People’s Cats
Life is like this little guy,
At first cute and fluffy and shy.
It’ll sit on your lap,
Happy purring, then SNAP!
And that’s why I wear this glass eye…
“Mimi” – AKA “Snake”
Filed under Poems
Everything You Want To Know (But Were Too Scared To Ask)
Am I the only one
Who’s lonely at night,
Who drinks from the faucet,
Who doesn’t want to fight?
Am I the only one
Whose hot chocolate is made
Without any water
But instead lemonade?
Am I the only one
Whose blowholes get sore
When I inhale the air
That you buy at the store?
If you’re ever unsure
If you’re normal or weird
Know that I’m right there with you
And so is my beard.
Filed under Poems
Bachelor Chow
I made a pizza
With with kale and s’mores,
Sime slightly-burnt Dr. Pepper
And pastrami galore!
Now you mean to say
You ain’t hungry no more?
Filed under Poems
Assault and Batteries
You said you knew
How to jump a car.
It sure wasn’t true…
You left a scar.
Red to black wire…
You expect to live?
I’ll have revenge you liar!
All I’ve got to give.
I’m Lyin’ on asphalt
Cursing at the stars.
You know it’s your fault!
There’s no time for flattery;
You assaulted my battery.
There’s a surprise
Right under your hood.
When your starter dies
It won’t sound good.
I saw your face.
It looked really dour.
I put you in your place
‘Cause I’ve got the power.
You’re lyin’ on asphalt
Cursing at the stars.
You know it’s your fault.
There’s no need for flattery.
I assaulted your battery.
(Instrumental bridge with sirens)
We’re face down on asphalt
Cursing at their stars.
It’s both of our faults…
No cops like flattery.
We both got charged
For assaulting the batteries.
Filed under Lyrics
