I had to walk ten city blocks
To find Café Joie.
That’s ten times the length in Washington
To find some plain coffee.
I paid a polite barista
With a blue, 20-loony bill.
The traffic lights are flashing green,
And I can buy a prescription pill.
I can calculate distances
By moving a decimal place,
And I can drive 100
Without being in a race.
It’s a different place than the USA.
Yes, Canada’s where I’ve been.
Now I publish this, just hoping
The “yanks” will let me come back in.
Filed under Poems
I live a life of luxury,
Amidst my massive family.
They rub and brush my golden hair,
And I reward them with “I don’t care.”
I have three hobbies. These are they:
On your freshly vacuumed chair I lay,
Peeing on your lovely walls,
And playing with my hairy balls.
You say you love me. Who knows why?
You’ll probably outlive me (heavy sigh).
Having me is lots of fun.
Forever yours, your teenage son.
Filed under Poems
Despite being a poet,
With all the hype,
I am not
The wealthy type.
I think people
Are happiest
Without what’s fastest,
Newest, best.
Buy all that changed
When I saw you,
So bright and lovely
And oh so new.
You smelled of love
I’d long forgot,
And I liked it.
I wanted it a lot.
So now I’ve approached.
In your eyes I am lost,
And so I must ask:
How much do you cost?
Filed under Poems
Write a haiku?
I’d like to,
But today I won’t.
Instead you
Get this… Poo.
Care about this, I don’t.
Filed under Poems
There was too much water,
At least a gallon or two.
Little intestine was struggling
To make some pee for you.
The intestine thought “I think I can.”
As it turned out, he could.
If you didn’t like this poem
Small intestine says “you should.”
Filed under Poems
Bacon is like Hell,
As I know all too well.
Both hurt in the end,
And the scars never mend,
But before all that, they’re swell!
He drew a pair of tentacles
And a rocket on its side
With a pair of spiny barnacles
Beneath a grey-black sky.
Barry shouts “it’s patriotism,”
And Andy says “That’s it!”
The rest of us just sit and stare,
And Laura says “well, shit.”
I want to see a movie
Unlike the Wizard of Oz
Where some guy from a magic world
Turns into a lost cause.
He’s trapped in a tornado
And carried to a place
Where the world is all in black and white
And munchkins hate his face.
He travels many miles
Down an unremarkable trail
To a city where a beurocrat
Says his journey’s doomed to fail.
It would be a dismal movie,
That makes you want to drink some Mace.
That said, I’m sick of “Game of Thrones”
And this could take its place.
Filed under Poems
I think that caffeine
Is good for your spleen,
And I have evidence to back it up:
How often have you seen
Someone hurt a healthy spleen
While savoring something in a Starbucks cup?
Filed under Poems
Waiting at the DMV
Is not too bad for me.
Maybe it’s painful for you,
Not being “R362.”
As they serve R529
I continue to feel just fine.
Then they call up R360
And we’re one step closer to helping me!
A few minutes later R361.
I am almost having fun.
And then there’s R363.
Did they really just skip me?
I bring my ticket to the desk
And ask them straight-up, “what the hesk?”
They say to kindly sit and wait.
I’m now R758.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 