I thought the “Blue Screen of Death”
Was a relic from a bygone age,
But it took another breath
All over my my unsaved 30-page
Report that was due at a meeting
At nine o’clock today.
So sorry for my lack of a greeting,
But just get the #%^* out of my way!
Filed under Poems
The letters Z and X,
And also Q and C,
Left the alphabet one day
In a flight of misery.
They knew they were superfluous,
That they could not make a sound
Unique and unimitatible
By the other 22 letters around.
And so we started seeing
Other letters filling in.
K and S hung out in a hotel lobby
Until J jekked them in.
The letters had more duties,
And had to get more brainy.
S started having seizures
Filling in for words like “zany.”
Eventually, they all came back
After things came to a head.
Alas, Q was still useless
And Z wanted to be called “Zed.”
X declared a monopoly
On marking spots on a map.
And poor old C remained
Just the first piece of Crap.
Filed under Poems
Great things happen
To those who find
That every door
Has something behind
Its wooden walls
(Except those doors
Who’re made from refined
And processed ores)
That can be had
By those eho are snappin’
Their fingers with joy
At the great things that happen
To those door-finders
We’ve spoken about.
How’s that for a sentence?
Travesty, out.
Filed under Poems
I swam with silver dolphins
Under a shining diamond sky,
And I learned the meaning of everything
As each one passed me by.
I learned of joy and jealousy,
Serenity and rage.
I learned the truth of freedom
And of living in a cage.
I went swimming with dolphins
And learned what life’s about.
Then I smiled as the staff
Of Sea World saw me out.
Filed under Poems
Nothing is flatter
Than pancake batter
Under a school bus
At sixty below.
That’s what I thought
‘Til I read your poetry.
Now batter looks better,
And that’s how things go.
Filed under Poems
There are 54 cards in a deck,
And only twelve are royalty.
I feel sorry for the folks
Who are stuck as a two or a three.
I wondered what card I was:
I’ve not the talent to be an ace,
And I’m really not a joker.
Would I ever find my place?
And then strolling down the sidewalk
I found eight diamonds on the ground,
So I sold them. Now I’m rich
And I don’t worry about this crap anymore.
My throat is sore,
My voice is hoarse,
But at least now I know
I can’t speak Norse.
There’s a big pile of wood chips
Outside my apartment
Just three floors down
From my balcony.
Now Autumn leaf piles
Are my fun department,
And all that small timber
Looked just the same to me.
To I climbed three stories
To the roof of my flat
Thinking of stories
I’d soon have to tell.
In hindsight, I was stupid.
I realize that,
But despite the mistake,
My jump went quite well.
I’m writing this poem
From my private suite
At Saint Andrew’s center
For injuries from small boards.
I’m hosting some bloggers
Who seem pretty neat,
And they say they’ll refer me
To the Darwin Awards.
If you ever doubt that life is good,
Jump into a pile of tiny wood.
Filed under Poems
Today is one of my favorite days:
It’s National “National Day-Chooser” Day.
It’s the day on which we celebrate
The people whose choices will show us the way.
For without the wise guys who choose to define
National Beer Days, Peace Days, and more,
We’d just think it’s Thursday, and that would be boring.
As it is, the Day-Chooser makes our morale soar.
When I’m all grown up, it’s my dream to be
A National Day-Chooser. If that dream comes true,
My first act will be to define that day as
The day of “Someday-You-Might-Have-This-Job-Too.”
Perhaps if I make it to this goal I seek
I’ll be promoted to “Guy Who Picks Out The Week!”
Filed under Poems
They say he played the violin
With a sound that roused the spirit.
I traveled far, o’er hill and dale
Hoping just to hear it.
I was trulydisappointed
When I finally met the fellow,
For he played not the violin,
But the world’s smallest cello.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 